The only regret I have in life (I'm in my mid-50s) is not attending the funeral of my friend's Mom. I didn't know her, so I figured I didn't have to go (I was in my early 20's, not that my age excuses anything). Another friend made me realize that I should've been there for my friend. After that, my friend moved away and things were never the same, no matter how hard I tried to keep in touch. Ever since, I always go to the wake/funeral.
Always go to the funeral (2005)
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Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)
#62> By the time I was 16, I had been to five or six funerals. Is it just me or does this actually seem kind of low ? They say your social cluster is 150 people, so you should be going to about 2 funerals every year (this ignores age-clustering, but that's counterbalanced by the fact that you often go to funerals slightly outside your cluster and the fact that the cluster changes over time).
I’m in my 40s and I’ve been to four, for each of my grandparents. That age clustering thing seems very important to me. For most of my life, my grandparents were the only people I knew well who were around that age.
Even now, there aren’t anywhere near 150 people whose funeral I’d attend.
Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)
#63Luke 9:60
> Let the dead bury the dead
Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)
#64Earlier quoted context omitted.
Conversely I went to one high school reunion I was feeling iffy about, had an okay time but was also completely happy just never going to anymore (and haven't). But there's definitely some other effects in play there: revisiting people from your past who you've lost touch with is a pretty fraught experience, at least for me because ultimately the relationship is at best frozen in time from whenever you last talked: h…
I've never been to a high school reunion, and I don't intend to go to any future ones. But I went to a high school friend's 40th, and caught up with the people who were my good friends - and still are - and it was worth every penny just to hear their voices face to face for a few days.
Agreed, I think a reunion differs in that its an impersonal gathering compared to coming of age, weddings, funerals, etc.
Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)
#65Wholeheartedly agree with both the nominal and underlying advice here. Doing the right thing all the time is painful, tedious and can cost you. But doing the wrong thing will cost you too. Both compound. The literal advice about going to the funeral is about showing up for people who meant something to you. There are only a few special times in your life when you get to see a large chunk of other people's important p…
I'd love too but a crowd -even mostly loved ones- is for some the hardest way to engage with others. Last weddings I tried to attempt were disasters. Funerals are obviously easier as no/weirdly-interacting is accepted so at least there's less self esteem to loose. I feel the more confortable in one or one to one, three is already to much possible micro-ostracisms to deal with.
To end with a lighter note loosely related, a funny citation of the marshal Foch:
> "An assembly must have an odd number of members in order to make a decision, but three is already too many."
Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)
#66Earlier quoted context omitted.
> I don’t want my last act on Earth to be inconveniencing people. There’s no way around that. Death inconveniences the living. Your death will probably make a mess of some kind. Your dead body will have to be buried or cremated, or it will be an even bigger inconvenience. Your effects will have to be split up among the living in some way. And if you find funerals to be an inconvenience, don’t go. But don’t kid yourse…
>> There’s no way around that. But that could be minimized. For example, by not taking precious square meters of Earth surface from the living. >> Your effects will have to be split up among the living in some way. That's not inconvenience :)
> But that could be minimized. For example, by not taking precious square meters of Earth surface from the living.
I understand and even agree with the sentiment here, but to me “I don’t want to be buried” or “I don’t want a funeral” is micromanaging. I’ve expressed a preference for as little inconvenience to the people I love and as little damage to the Earth as possible. My children or whoever else survives me can make whatever decisions work for them. I don’t want my last act to be ordering them around. My dad, for example, had always planned to be buried, but when he was nearing death he suddenly said he wanted to be cremated, which was distressing to some of the family and was going to mean redoing a bunch of plans. When we asked him what was behind this sudden change of mind, it turned out he didn’t actually care one way or the other, he’d just recently found out cremation was less expensive and he was trying to save us money. Turns out it’s important to say what you really mean—“I love you and want to save you inconvenience and grief”—rather than “I don’t want a funeral” or “I don’t want to be buried” or whatever.
> That’s not inconvenience :)
Heh. You must not have been executor of anyone’s estate. It’s pretty inconvenient. All I can hope for is to have enough money that it’ll be worth it to whichever kid ends up doing it.
Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)
#67You should go to the funeral if you think the right thing is to go to the funeral You should do it for yourself, out of respect for the person who died and respect for the loved ones remaining. Not out of societal obligation The corollary to that is there are plenty of times where the right thing is to not go to the funeral. If you lack those things. There have been times I don’t go the funeral. Because the dead pers…
> There have been times I don’t go the funeral. Because the dead person was a horrible person. The funeral is a ritual for the people who knew and loved the dead person. The question should really be about them, rather than the deceased who is dead and gone.
And if those people are going to be talking about how great someone I despised was, it's best for all of us if I stay home.
Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)
#68It’s also a matter of regret minimization. 9+ times out of 10 when I’m on the fence about going to a major life event and go, I’m glad I did. Can’t think of the last thing I regretted going to. I’ve certainly missed some like graduations I regret not making it to. Funerals are towards the top of the list of big life events and I’ve never regretted one.
Same with social events. All my life, I always get this last second resistance to going, yet I'm always glad I went.
The reasons my brain comes up with for why I shouldn't go are just lies.
Just go. And take what you can get while the opportunities are still coming.
Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)
#69Earlier quoted context omitted.
> I don’t want my last act on Earth to be inconveniencing people. There’s no way around that. Death inconveniences the living. Your death will probably make a mess of some kind. Your dead body will have to be buried or cremated, or it will be an even bigger inconvenience. Your effects will have to be split up among the living in some way. And if you find funerals to be an inconvenience, don’t go. But don’t kid yourse…
>> There’s no way around that. But that could be minimized. For example, by not taking precious square meters of Earth surface from the living. >> Your effects will have to be split up among the living in some way. That's not inconvenience :)
> That's not inconvenience
It frequently is. In fact, it tends to be a more difficult form of grieving in my opinion because now they are forced to throw away things that were yours because they know nobody else wants them. Your bedding, your old spice cabinet, the magazines you never threw out. All of those are more for your heirs to deal with emotionally and physically.
Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)
#70Ecclesiastes 7:4 "The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning; but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth." https://bible.com/bible/1/ecc.7.4.KJV
The House of Mirth would be a great name for a bar, or a theater. Or anything, really. Come to think of it, so would The Heart of Fools.
Coincidentally there is literally the novel "The House of Mirth" by Edith Wharton - published in 1905, it's an excellent late-Victorian/Gilded-Age period novel about the slow downfall of Lily Bart, a woman who was in New York's high society, then through a series of unfortunate events and social reproaches, descended into lonely poverty. It was quite influential at the time, portraying the materialism and shallowness of the moneyed crowd.