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Always go to the funeral (2005)

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Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#221

Post by sanderjd »

bluGill wrote: post #183
michaelt wrote: post #51

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Generally the number of your friends who have funerals is heavily biased towards the end of your life. America's average lifespan is 77. When you're 16, your parents are perhaps 46, and their parents are maybe 76. And a lot of people live for 10+ years after retirement, so your teachers might all be alive too. If you've got a big extended family, or you're part of an organisation like a church where 16 year olds come…

Your grandparents also have siblings, and your parents would drag you to those funerals. You should also have people of many different ages in your social group and some of them will die of old age (and once in a while someone young).

> You should also have people of many different ages in your social group

"Should" seems right, but in practice, do young people have this? How? (Thinking of the US here.)

When I was a kid, this came through church. But church attendance among the young has fallen off a cliff, with (to my knowledge) no replacement.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#222

Post by SoftTalker »

wvlia5 wrote: post #105

I think I won't go to my parents funeral (when the time comes). I don't see the value of standing next to their corpses. I didn't go to my grandma funeral, I don't regret it. I regret not having had deeper relationship with her. Same with my parents. Will have many regrets, but I believe not saying goobye to their corpses won't be one.

Neither of my parents had a funeral. They both said they didn't want people coming in and looking at their dead body.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#223

Post by SoftTalker »

Popeyes wrote: post #159
guappa wrote: post #108

Earlier quoted context omitted.

They are dead but the other people who attend aren't

I went to a friends mothers funeral to support him and to pay my respects. However, his brother who had a fractious relationship with his siblings did not. I can't tell you how many relatives viewed his absence negatively.

That's a shame, I'd like to think I would not judge someone for their decisions on something like that, having not walked any miles in their shoes.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#224

Post by dachris »

cobbaut wrote: post #177

Please visit people when they are still alive. My aunt was alone for the last three years of her live, up to 94 years old. She had almost no visitors, and was not able to go out by herself. I went there about every week, and was always the only visitor. Then came the funeral, with well over 400 people there, and around 200 people at the coffee table after the funeral. And I was like: Where the hell were you guys the…

As a corollary, if a person you're responsible for "goes dark" socially (due to dementia, unable to go out anymore, moved to nursing home etc), do let their friendly social circle know (friends, neighbors) that the person would still be happy about visitors.

I've seen this with a relative with dementia - many people just weren't aware that she had no contact with them anymore due to this.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#225

Post by SoftTalker »

antonchekhov wrote: post #71
mooreds wrote: post #7

Wholeheartedly agree with both the nominal and underlying advice here. Doing the right thing all the time is painful, tedious and can cost you. But doing the wrong thing will cost you too. Both compound. The literal advice about going to the funeral is about showing up for people who meant something to you. There are only a few special times in your life when you get to see a large chunk of other people's important p…

"other people's important people" is a very astute phrase - one has to see the value in that concept in order to understand the deceased's survivors that you think you already know. I've been to a few events where some folks were flabbergasted to discover different fresh aspects of the deceased - "what the...? He/she was tight with that crowd?!"

I wonder how many people have lived a secret side of their life and finally get outed at their funeral, to the shock of the people who only knew one side.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#226

Post by fraserphysics »

I agree with the article, and I find many of the comments here insightful. Relationships with some of my old school adversaries were healed when they attended my son's funeral.

The movie Charade is sort of about the bad effects of a poorly attended funeral. See https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8FA5zBHiFA

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#227

Post by crabbone »

Idk. Nobody ever invited me and I don't know anyone closely enough for even knowing if anyone in their family died. I'll be fifty soon, and, I have an impression that the only funeral I'll ever attend will be my own, if there even will be a funeral :|

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#228

Post by SoftTalker »

elvis10ten wrote: post #76

Personal opinion: I find funerals to be a waste of time and money. Especially, coming from a culture where they are a big event. People spend enormous money on funerals —- money that they wouldn’t help you with while you are alive and struggling. Maybe attending one in a less flamboyant culture will change my mind. But I wish more people in general don’t wait for terminal events to do or say nice things.

The funeral industry is also very predatory. They know full well they have people in grief making decisions and they end up getting pressured into buying a casket that's just going to be buried in the ground in a few days, but they will be paying for for the next 10 years. That a family can come out of a funeral tens of thousands of dollars in debt is just absurd.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#229

Post by JKCalhoun »

That was a beautiful piece. Well written, concise.

My grandmother was the only relative of that generation that lived in the same city when I was young — the only funeral I went to.

But as an adult, having my mother recently die, it was my turn to more or less head up the funeral. I too was touched by, in this case, relatives of my wife that showed up. They didn't know my mom from Adam but came anyway.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#230

Post by Aachen »

JansjoFromIkea wrote: post #128

"By the time I was 16, I had been to five or six funerals" May be an Irish specific thing but I probably had been to 16 by the time I was five or six.

I'm 30 and haven't been to 5 funerals. Not that many people that I know died, or at least not that I know of (maybe a primary school teacher did in the meantime but I'm not living in the same area anymore). Might going to so many be a village culture thing, where everyone knows everyone and so you know of a lot more deaths?
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