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Always go to the funeral (2005)

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Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#71

Post by antonchekhov »

mooreds wrote: post #7

Wholeheartedly agree with both the nominal and underlying advice here. Doing the right thing all the time is painful, tedious and can cost you. But doing the wrong thing will cost you too. Both compound. The literal advice about going to the funeral is about showing up for people who meant something to you. There are only a few special times in your life when you get to see a large chunk of other people's important p…

"other people's important people" is a very astute phrase - one has to see the value in that concept in order to understand the deceased's survivors that you think you already know. I've been to a few events where some folks were flabbergasted to discover different fresh aspects of the deceased - "what the...? He/she was tight with that crowd?!"

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#73

Post by etskinner »

kayo_20211030 wrote: post #24

Always go to the funeral! It's not for you, and it's not for other people. It's just a thing. It's not an analogy about doing the right thing. It's just going to the funeral. That's what you should do, for lots of reasons. When you do it, you'll know why; maybe later, but you'll know.

It definitely is for you and for other people. I challenge you to describe what it's for if not those two things

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#74

Post by lambdaphagy »

unholyguy001 wrote: post #21

You should go to the funeral if you think the right thing is to go to the funeral You should do it for yourself, out of respect for the person who died and respect for the loved ones remaining. Not out of societal obligation The corollary to that is there are plenty of times where the right thing is to not go to the funeral. If you lack those things. There have been times I don’t go the funeral. Because the dead pers…

I recently had the occasion to visit the deathbed of a relative who died with much of his family deeply wounded by, and angry at, him. Had you known him, you might have called him a horrible person and not without some backing for that claim.

But I went because I felt a duty to my relatives that isn’t released just because they didn’t hold up their end of the bargain: he had indirectly given me life, even if he had done much ill besides. And moreover I felt an obligation to the office of the head of my family that transcended the particular man.

It would be a grim world in which comfort for the grieving is a service the deceased must have earned in advance, and we the comforters decide whether they have really earned it.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#75

Post by Baeocystin »

lambdaphagy wrote: post #15

Sound advice. Conversely: always have a funeral. I know several people who expressed a wish not to have a funeral. Sometimes this wish stems from a desire not to be an inconvenience, or a sense of guilt or shame that one's life was not well-lived. Sometimes, simply the view that funerals don't matter, so why bother. In every case, I think this desire is mistaken. The need to mourn the dead is an instinct older than o…

I (politely) disagree. My father did not wish a funeral, and, per his wishes, we did not hold one for him.

And honestly, standing at his gravesite paying my respects, I do not have the painful memories that I had with my mother's funeral, trying to organize, trying to handle everyone and everything, and not being able to grieve in the way that I wanted until long after. Instead, I am able to simply talk to him, and not have such a frustrating coda.

They say that funerals are for the living. Sure. But going to funerals of loved ones has never made me feel better in the long run compared to more private goodbyes, and I am not the only one to feel this way.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#76

Post by elvis10ten »

Personal opinion: I find funerals to be a waste of time and money.

Especially, coming from a culture where they are a big event. People spend enormous money on funerals —- money that they wouldn’t help you with while you are alive and struggling.

Maybe attending one in a less flamboyant culture will change my mind.

But I wish more people in general don’t wait for terminal events to do or say nice things.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#77

Post by EVa5I7bHFq9mnYK »

ksenzee wrote: post #66
EVa5I7bHFq9mnYK wrote: post #47

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>> There’s no way around that. But that could be minimized. For example, by not taking precious square meters of Earth surface from the living. >> Your effects will have to be split up among the living in some way. That's not inconvenience :)

> But that could be minimized. For example, by not taking precious square meters of Earth surface from the living. I understand and even agree with the sentiment here, but to me “I don’t want to be buried” or “I don’t want a funeral” is micromanaging. I’ve expressed a preference for as little inconvenience to the people I love and as little damage to the Earth as possible. My children or whoever else survives me can…

As part of my plan of not inconveniencing anyone, I already doled out kids' inheritance in cash and real estate, and will donate the rest. I also rented 100-years storage at forever.com, so nobody has to deal with my old photos, memorabilia etc. Everything else is a matter of 2 hours' work by a garbage disposal team. Executors can walk.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#78

Post by anonymousDan »

felixnm wrote: post #61

The only regret I have in life (I'm in my mid-50s) is not attending the funeral of my friend's Mom. I didn't know her, so I figured I didn't have to go (I was in my early 20's, not that my age excuses anything). Another friend made me realize that I should've been there for my friend. After that, my friend moved away and things were never the same, no matter how hard I tried to keep in touch. Ever since, I always go…

Yeah I'm the same, did it twice unfortunately.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#80

Post by coldtea »

unholyguy001 wrote: post #21

You should go to the funeral if you think the right thing is to go to the funeral You should do it for yourself, out of respect for the person who died and respect for the loved ones remaining. Not out of societal obligation The corollary to that is there are plenty of times where the right thing is to not go to the funeral. If you lack those things. There have been times I don’t go the funeral. Because the dead pers…

>You should go to the funeral if you think the right thing is to go to the funeral. You should do it for yourself, out of respect for the person who died and respect for the loved ones remaining. Not out of societal obligation

In 2024 it would be quite better if we did more things out of societal obligation, instead of each individual placing themselves (and their whims) as the moral authority.

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