201–210 of 322 posts
I think I won't go to my parents funeral (when the time comes). I don't see the value of standing next to their corpses. I didn't go to my grandma funeral, I don't regret it. I regret not having had deeper relationship with her. Same with my parents. Will have many regrets, but I believe not saying goobye to their corpses won't be one.
Clever marketing by the funeral services industry. And no, I don't want my last act on Earth to be inconveniencing people.
In fact, I think you have it exactly backwards. The industry popped up in order to exploit a deep human need. It did not create that need.
Please visit people when they are still alive. My aunt was alone for the last three years of her live, up to 94 years old. She had almost no visitors, and was not able to go out by herself. I went there about every week, and was always the only visitor. Then came the funeral, with well over 400 people there, and around 200 people at the coffee table after the funeral. And I was like: Where the hell were you guys the…
"Go to the funeral" isn't just about the funeral. It's a specific example of "if you have a chance to show up for someone, show up for them: even if (maybe _especially_ if) it's awkward or inconvenient".
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We had a similar issue. We ended up at a funeral for our daughter’s teacher (we brought the kids as she knew all of them), and somehow ended up in the family greeting line intended for close friends and family. It felt so intrusive and they were like “why are you here”. The cherry on top was our youngest started getting restless during service and we had to leave early and we didn’t sit in the back. I had only been t…
To ask "why are you here?" suggests these people were poorly raised or just plain rude. Attendees of a funeral make an effort to pay their respects to the deceased and to express their condolences to the family left behind.
Sounds extremely awkward and like a plot Michael Scott would get himself wrapped into.
Please visit people when they are still alive. My aunt was alone for the last three years of her live, up to 94 years old. She had almost no visitors, and was not able to go out by herself. I went there about every week, and was always the only visitor. Then came the funeral, with well over 400 people there, and around 200 people at the coffee table after the funeral. And I was like: Where the hell were you guys the…
Thank you for bringing this up. To add to that ... sometimes, circumstances (i.e. long distances) dictate that only 1 of those trips can be made and they may have to choose.
I had a family member with a terminal illness and a friend of the family from out of state decided to visit 2 months before the end to say goodbyes. They were elderly and on a fixed income so they could only budget the money for 1 trip. As a result, they had to skip the funeral. From my standpoint, they made the correct choice of prioritizing the conversation with a living person instead of attending a funeral.
I had a friend who died young, I was young as well. I went to his funeral and there was an opportunity to speak about him and our memories of him. No one stood up to speak. It was awful. I wanted to stand up and say he was a good friend, and to say I would miss him, but I didn't. I've regretted that ever since - 30 years now, and I think about it frequently.
Losing relationships to death feels strangely not bad to me. Losing relationships for other reasons that shouldn't happen, like fights, feels bad. It's like eating a cake. You eat and at some point there will be no more cake, and you can rest content. But if the cake falls to the floor while you are eating, it's sad.
I remember my first death. My mum came and said: "your cousin died". I felt nothing, I different. I had a great relationship with him. Seeing my non-reaction, my mum said : "you can cry". So I thought: "oh, so I should cry now, that's the appropiate thing to do in these situations", then I started crying.
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I don't get why it is a failure.
I see it as a strong example of what happens often. We have an impulse from what I will call our authenticity and we decline and suppress it because of some sort of fear. As I've learned to pay attention to this, I've found that it always leads to slight disconnection, and following instead tends to lead to more connection and aliveness. Every time we avoid the alive impulse is a failure of sorts, but usually we don'…
Now, having the courage to act according to what you know by prudence is the right and just thing to do is something else. Here, you are acting according to what is objectively good, and not only that, but what you know is objectively good. And yes, you could say that acting out of genuine courage does make a person feel more alive, as he isn't shrinking out of fear and cowardice. He is acting against the comfort of mediocrity, and as we all know, a little danger and risk does get the blood moving.
Please visit people when they are still alive. My aunt was alone for the last three years of her live, up to 94 years old. She had almost no visitors, and was not able to go out by herself. I went there about every week, and was always the only visitor. Then came the funeral, with well over 400 people there, and around 200 people at the coffee table after the funeral. And I was like: Where the hell were you guys the…
^ this. Also, don't allow yourself to be put off by the idea that you don't know what to say or whatever. Just go. If you think it's hard for you it's doubly hard for the person who is dying and noone is visiting them because they don't know what to say. My cousin was in hospital dying of cancer. I spoke to my mum and she said she wasn't sure what to say etc, so she ended up not going. I went. I said to him "hey this…
Later a friend was dying and when she could no longer talk, I'd head out for a walk and just describe what I could see, what my plans were, and great things I remembered from our past - I wasn't able to visit, but her parents said she really enjoyed the voice notes she got - almost as much as the visitors.
But if you can see people, just do it. Not long ago my mum decided to try and visit a whole heap of friends across England, just as she realised after my dad died, that she never knew the last time she'd see these people - and wanted it to be occasions they both enjoyed, before too much time had passed. I loved the idea.
I'm surprised in all this discussion not to see the distinction between a wake and a funeral. The advice I've heard is, go to a wake to support those who are grieving, go to a funeral to grieve yourself. (For this reason, the wake is held at more "convenient" hours.) Do others make this distinction? Is the practice of holding a separate wake a regional/cultural thing?
I think the naming varies. In the UK for example, the funeral typically indicates a religious thing and the wake is the reception thing you go from the funeral to .It's usually in a pub. There's usually bad food. You have a drink. You have a good conversation with all the people you haven't seen for ages. You remember your friend/family member/colleague whatever who is dead.
There is also a reception at a restaurant immediately after the funeral; this is almost strictly for close friends and family though.