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Always go to the funeral (2005)

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Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#141

Post by hoseja »

pmarreck wrote: post #138
Tistron wrote: post #115

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I see it as a strong example of what happens often. We have an impulse from what I will call our authenticity and we decline and suppress it because of some sort of fear. As I've learned to pay attention to this, I've found that it always leads to slight disconnection, and following instead tends to lead to more connection and aliveness. Every time we avoid the alive impulse is a failure of sorts, but usually we don'…

"Fear-repressed authenticity" is something to gnaw on.

Like 80% of your authentic urges have to be repressed to, erm, live in a society. It's then hard to find a good point to stop doing that.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#142

Post by bananatype »

JansjoFromIkea wrote: post #128

"By the time I was 16, I had been to five or six funerals" May be an Irish specific thing but I probably had been to 16 by the time I was five or six.

I'd say it's also likely an Asian thing.

In my country (the Philippines), it's not uncommon for people to bring their children with them to funerals. I've been to the wakes of almost every elderly family member. It was also a good opportunity, however morbid the circumstances, to connect with the rest of the extended family, even those people who I didn't realize---until then---were my relatives after all.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#143

Post by bananatype »

elvis10ten wrote: post #76

Personal opinion: I find funerals to be a waste of time and money. Especially, coming from a culture where they are a big event. People spend enormous money on funerals —- money that they wouldn’t help you with while you are alive and struggling. Maybe attending one in a less flamboyant culture will change my mind. But I wish more people in general don’t wait for terminal events to do or say nice things.

It probably depends on one's culture. In the Philippines, it's customary for funeral visitors to give a small donation to the bereaved family members (typically, around 20-40 USD). And since funerals are considered a big social event, it's not uncommon to hear of fmilies who were able to recoup (or pay off) their funeral expenses through the donations alone.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#144

Post by xandrius »

ludwigvan wrote: post #94

A corollary of this is “Always visit when a baby is born.” (In the first few months, if not at the hospital) I have noticed my love and respect for my friends who never visited after our newborn declined significantly, and it has never been the same. Does anyone have a similar experience?

Well, if you don't see someone for over a span of a year then probably you're not too close anymore?

Then I'd assume that if 1 person had a really good reason not to be physically around for the first few months, you wouldn't think less of them if they make it up afterwards.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#145

Post by mgkimsal »

sgt101 wrote: post #109
wvlia5 wrote: post #106

Earlier quoted context omitted.

But it's a somewhat odd custom no? Funerals. Probably no one stood up to talk because it felt awkward, as it is. It's not like you hurt your friends feelings for not speaking up.

It was my failure that hurt me, I think.

I get it. I didn't say anything at my grandfather's funeral, although I was this close. I just... didn't. Easier in that moment to stay seated for a few extra seconds, but it bothered me. Years later, at my grandmother's funeral, I spoke. Not long, but I said some of the things I'd wanted to say years earlier, though with the benefit of a bit more hindsight and perspective. But not speaking all those years earlier had bothered me. FWIW, it still does, but a little less than before.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#146

Post by HWR_14 »

circlefavshape wrote: post #139
shever73 wrote: post #110

This is a very Irish thing. Funerals in Ireland are always well-attended and going to a funeral - even of someone you don't know - is important in the community (see this recent news article, for example[0]). I notice the author's surname is Sullivan. As my grandmother liked to repeat: "If you don't go to someone's funeral, they won't come to yours." [0] https://www.breakingnews.ie/ireland/crowd-shows-up-to-funera...…

Also it's weird as an Irish person to see people saying "the time came to speak, and nobody did". I've never been to a funeral that didn't have a eulogy. Someone always prepares a speech and delivers it

A formal eulogy is a different part from when they ask if anyone from the audience wants to get and share a few words about the departed.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#147

Post by mgkimsal »

felixnm wrote: post #61

The only regret I have in life (I'm in my mid-50s) is not attending the funeral of my friend's Mom. I didn't know her, so I figured I didn't have to go (I was in my early 20's, not that my age excuses anything). Another friend made me realize that I should've been there for my friend. After that, my friend moved away and things were never the same, no matter how hard I tried to keep in touch. Ever since, I always go…

Similar here. Good friend of many years - his mother passed a few years back, then his dad earlier this year. In both cases it was relatively sudden, but the compounding factor is I live 800 miles away. In both cases, I debated whether to go up for the funeral, but one case scheduling was near impossible. In the other... I rationalized that... he'd just be too busy with other family issues, and that was the case. I feel like I still should have gone, but we did catch up in person a couple months later, and he'd had time to process and reflect a bit more. Lots of drama was going on (and still is a bit) so being there in the moment might have been more about me trying to feel like I was doing something ("being there") instead of actually being of any real benefit for his family.

I've only got a couple of other friends that close that I would consider attending their parents' funeral. One parent passed away during covid and there was no service. When that other parent passes, I think I will go, even though we've not seen each other in years. Several states away, again, but I will plan on going.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#148

Post by gwbas1c »

I pretty much always go. The only time I missed a funeral was during the pandemic for one of my teachers, and my wife was due at any moment. His funeral was well attended.

For one particular funeral, it was for a childhood friend who I had lost touch with. One of the photos, in the rotation, was from a bus trip where I said, "hey, give me your camera." It was touching. His brother showed up at my mother's funeral a few years later.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#149

Post by nytesky »

io84 wrote: post #117
shever73 wrote: post #110

This is a very Irish thing. Funerals in Ireland are always well-attended and going to a funeral - even of someone you don't know - is important in the community (see this recent news article, for example[0]). I notice the author's surname is Sullivan. As my grandmother liked to repeat: "If you don't go to someone's funeral, they won't come to yours." [0] https://www.breakingnews.ie/ireland/crowd-shows-up-to-funera...…

I was raised like this and find it heart warming to see funerals filled with wider community. I did misjudge it once: I was living in a different country with two fellow Irish people and the relative of a good friend died. In Ireland it would have been expected that we attend the funeral, in this case we showed up and there were only six closest relatives there, and our presence just felt inappropriate. I now know yo…

We had a similar issue. We ended up at a funeral for our daughter’s teacher (we brought the kids as she knew all of them), and somehow ended up in the family greeting line intended for close friends and family. It felt so intrusive and they were like “why are you here”.

The cherry on top was our youngest started getting restless during service and we had to leave early and we didn’t sit in the back.

I had only been to my parents funerals at this point, and never experienced a more formal religious service, but we were the worst in so many ways. I still regret it 10 years later.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#150

Post by jll29 »

io84 wrote: post #117
shever73 wrote: post #110

This is a very Irish thing. Funerals in Ireland are always well-attended and going to a funeral - even of someone you don't know - is important in the community (see this recent news article, for example[0]). I notice the author's surname is Sullivan. As my grandmother liked to repeat: "If you don't go to someone's funeral, they won't come to yours." [0] https://www.breakingnews.ie/ireland/crowd-shows-up-to-funera...…

I was raised like this and find it heart warming to see funerals filled with wider community. I did misjudge it once: I was living in a different country with two fellow Irish people and the relative of a good friend died. In Ireland it would have been expected that we attend the funeral, in this case we showed up and there were only six closest relatives there, and our presence just felt inappropriate. I now know yo…

I refuse to believe for a second that your attendance was considered inappropriate; the person being burried at least would have surely been happy for you to be there and think of him or her.

Also, your intentions are to be commended regardless of what the relatives thought (it's not the relative's funeral, so they are not the yardstick).

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