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Always go to the funeral (2005)

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Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#91

Post by watwut »

unholyguy001 wrote: post #21

You should go to the funeral if you think the right thing is to go to the funeral You should do it for yourself, out of respect for the person who died and respect for the loved ones remaining. Not out of societal obligation The corollary to that is there are plenty of times where the right thing is to not go to the funeral. If you lack those things. There have been times I don’t go the funeral. Because the dead pers…

> Not out of societal obligation

Societal obligation in this case is literally basic minor respect towards the remaining people. And frankly, the loneliness epidemic HN like to talk about is closely related to the ideology where the only thing that matters is yourself.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#92

Post by einpoklum »

lupire wrote: post #20
einpoklum wrote: post #6

A valid point and a good approach. But it's quite a bad pun when used as a title here on HN - and with the capitalization, too.

What pun/title?

"Always Go", like the programming language. But - I see the editors changed the capitalization, so it's good that you didn't notice.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#94

Post by ludwigvan »

A corollary of this is “Always visit when a baby is born.”

(In the first few months, if not at the hospital)

I have noticed my love and respect for my friends who never visited after our newborn declined significantly, and it has never been the same. Does anyone have a similar experience?

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#95

Post by mettamage »

ludwigvan wrote: post #94

A corollary of this is “Always visit when a baby is born.” (In the first few months, if not at the hospital) I have noticed my love and respect for my friends who never visited after our newborn declined significantly, and it has never been the same. Does anyone have a similar experience?

Thanks, this teaches me quite a bit. I will be more mindful of this

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#96

Post by throwaway346434 »

litenboll wrote: post #90
elvis10ten wrote: post #76

Personal opinion: I find funerals to be a waste of time and money. Especially, coming from a culture where they are a big event. People spend enormous money on funerals —- money that they wouldn’t help you with while you are alive and struggling. Maybe attending one in a less flamboyant culture will change my mind. But I wish more people in general don’t wait for terminal events to do or say nice things.

I shared your opinion until I attended my first funeral as an adult. They are very important for the grieving process, at least to me. That doesn't mean much money needs to be spent, I've only been to scaled down funerals where there's a short ceremony and a meal afterwards.

Eh. For children of less than stellar parents, a funeral is:

- A bad person gets celebrated in a way that is not aligned to your understanding

- A bunch of people who don't know about the less than stellar bits offering what feels like performative grief

- Others who enabled the less than stellar bits angry their applecart has been upset, looking to lash out at a scapegoat.

Obviously not everyone has this negative experience, but narcissism is in about 6.2-7.7% of the population; other "dark traits" are also around in a long tail. So it's not unreasonable to expect around 12-15%? of people risk a potential increase to trauma at an already complex time of their lives.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#97

Post by throwaway346434 »

plorkyeran wrote: post #67
D13Fd wrote: post #45

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> There have been times I don’t go the funeral. Because the dead person was a horrible person. The funeral is a ritual for the people who knew and loved the dead person. The question should really be about them, rather than the deceased who is dead and gone.

And if those people are going to be talking about how great someone I despised was, it's best for all of us if I stay home.

Slightly disagree, only in that the people who supported the horrible person should hear the terrible acts done. Otherwise, yes. No comfort to those who comfort/enable abusers.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#98

Post by anal_reactor »

hombre_fatal wrote: post #68
steveBK123 wrote: post #26

It’s also a matter of regret minimization. 9+ times out of 10 when I’m on the fence about going to a major life event and go, I’m glad I did. Can’t think of the last thing I regretted going to. I’ve certainly missed some like graduations I regret not making it to. Funerals are towards the top of the list of big life events and I’ve never regretted one.

Same with social events. All my life, I always get this last second resistance to going, yet I'm always glad I went. The reasons my brain comes up with for why I shouldn't go are just lies. Just go. And take what you can get while the opportunities are still coming.

That's bad advice to always go to social events. I tried to follow it in order to expand my social circle, but I ended up staying in places that sucked, with people I didn't like. I try to dedicate some effort to tell whether I actually want to attend or not, and then follow through. I follow my gut, but never change my mind after making the decision.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#99

Post by anal_reactor »

aantix wrote: post #11

There's been a lot more reflective, humanity stories on HN. Or maybe I'm just noticing more. I've been on HN since 2007. There was that story a few weeks ago with the aging parents and their daughter that took a picture of them waving goodbye, each year she visited. I like these stories. It gives me pause and to wonder what it's all been for. Probably for my kids. My second oldest (9) loves creating levels in Geometr…

There are three groups of people on HN:

- kids who just graduated and realize that they've been told lies and need some life advice

- midlife crisis

- retirees who can see the death slowly approaching and reevaluate their lives in panic

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#100

Post by anal_reactor »

coldtea wrote: post #80
unholyguy001 wrote: post #21

You should go to the funeral if you think the right thing is to go to the funeral You should do it for yourself, out of respect for the person who died and respect for the loved ones remaining. Not out of societal obligation The corollary to that is there are plenty of times where the right thing is to not go to the funeral. If you lack those things. There have been times I don’t go the funeral. Because the dead pers…

> You should go to the funeral if you think the right thing is to go to the funeral. You should do it for yourself, out of respect for the person who died and respect for the loved ones remaining. Not out of societal obligation In 2024 it would be quite better if we did more things out of societal obligation, instead of each individual placing themselves (and their whims) as the moral authority.

I'm tired, boss
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