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Always go to the funeral (2005)

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Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#51
post #16

> By the time I was 16, I had been to five or six funerals. Is it just me or does this actually seem kind of low ? They say your social cluster is 150 people, so you should be going to about 2 funerals every year (this ignores age-clustering, but that's counterbalanced by the fact that you often go to funerals slightly outside your cluster and the fact that the cluster changes over time).

Generally the number of your friends who have funerals is heavily biased towards the end of your life.

America's average lifespan is 77. When you're 16, your parents are perhaps 46, and their parents are maybe 76.

And a lot of people live for 10+ years after retirement, so your teachers might all be alive too.

If you've got a big extended family, or you're part of an organisation like a church where 16 year olds come are getting to know 70+ year olds, you might have gone to more than 6 funerals.

But generally? At 16 your parents, their friends, your aunts and uncles, your 16 year old friends, their parents? Good chance they're all still alive. Your grandparents - maybe, maybe not.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#52

It’s also a matter of regret minimization. 9+ times out of 10 when I’m on the fence about going to a major life event and go, I’m glad I did. Can’t think of the last thing I regretted going to. I’ve certainly missed some like graduations I regret not making it to. Funerals are towards the top of the list of big life events and I’ve never regretted one.

[deleted]

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#53

You should go to the funeral if you think the right thing is to go to the funeral You should do it for yourself, out of respect for the person who died and respect for the loved ones remaining. Not out of societal obligation The corollary to that is there are plenty of times where the right thing is to not go to the funeral. If you lack those things. There have been times I don’t go the funeral. Because the dead pers…

You aren't punishing the dead person by not going. Just punishing what friends and family he or she had, out of spite. Making enemies. I mean when you say "horrible person" you're not talking about Adolf Hitler or Pol Pot, you're just talking about someone you thought (rightly or wrongly) an asshole.

Now you've made yourself the asshole to other people. Not a great life strategy.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#54
Larger message about doing the thing you really should do aside, ever since my parents dissuaded me from going to my grandfather's funeral (a man that I loved and respected but who's funeral came at an "inconvenient" time in my life) I have greatly regretted it. Not going burned itself into my mind and since that time I have never missed a funeral. Even for someone I only knew a little or hadn't seen in many years. If I had a connection with them, thought fondly of them, I make every effort to go. It just feels like the right thing to do.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#55
post #11

There's been a lot more reflective, humanity stories on HN. Or maybe I'm just noticing more. I've been on HN since 2007. There was that story a few weeks ago with the aging parents and their daughter that took a picture of them waving goodbye, each year she visited. I like these stories. It gives me pause and to wonder what it's all been for. Probably for my kids. My second oldest (9) loves creating levels in Geometr…

We're aging. This is becoming more appealing.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#56
post #46

It’s also a matter of regret minimization. 9+ times out of 10 when I’m on the fence about going to a major life event and go, I’m glad I did. Can’t think of the last thing I regretted going to. I’ve certainly missed some like graduations I regret not making it to. Funerals are towards the top of the list of big life events and I’ve never regretted one.

Conversely I went to one high school reunion I was feeling iffy about, had an okay time but was also completely happy just never going to anymore (and haven't). But there's definitely some other effects in play there: revisiting people from your past who you've lost touch with is a pretty fraught experience, at least for me because ultimately the relationship is at best frozen in time from whenever you last talked: h…

I've never been to a high school reunion, and I don't intend to go to any future ones.

But I went to a high school friend's 40th, and caught up with the people who were my good friends - and still are - and it was worth every penny just to hear their voices face to face for a few days.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#57
post #42

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I don’t want my last act on Earth to be inconveniencing people. There’s no way around that. Death inconveniences the living. Your death will probably make a mess of some kind. Your dead body will have to be buried or cremated, or it will be an even bigger inconvenience. Your effects will have to be split up among the living in some way. And if you find funerals to be an inconvenience, don’t go. But don’t kid yourse…

>> There’s no way around that. But that could be minimized. For example, by not taking precious square meters of Earth surface from the living. >> Your effects will have to be split up among the living in some way. That's not inconvenience :)

A funeral isn't the same thing as a burial.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#58
post #8

Ecclesiastes 7:4 "The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning; but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth." https://bible.com/bible/1/ecc.7.4.KJV

The House of Mirth would be a great name for a bar, or a theater. Or anything, really.

Come to think of it, so would The Heart of Fools.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#59
post #18

Sound advice. Conversely: always have a funeral. I know several people who expressed a wish not to have a funeral. Sometimes this wish stems from a desire not to be an inconvenience, or a sense of guilt or shame that one's life was not well-lived. Sometimes, simply the view that funerals don't matter, so why bother. In every case, I think this desire is mistaken. The need to mourn the dead is an instinct older than o…

I don't think a significant number of people have ever written a will that actively prevented a funeral. A funeral doesn't require the deceased. It's fine to skip it.

Maybe a more charitable reading is: "make every good faith effort to cooperate with your family's attempts to mourn your death"
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