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The Surreal Magnificence of Fatherhood

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Re: The Surreal Magnificence of Fatherhood

#131

Post by camgunz »

munksbeer wrote: post #109
mr_mitm wrote: post #9

Is it like this for everyone? I sometimes wonder how large the number of cases is where the parent does not feel like that at all but refrains from sharing it due to societal expectations and fear of being judged. It would introduce a bias regarding these stories.

No, it certainly isn't. But it is a social sin to admit otherwise. For me, it led to depression, therapy and medication. The first time in my life I'd experienced actual clinical depression. We do have a particularly challenging situation though. I'm always tired, ill, stressed, eat unhealthy, don't exercise enough. Being a parent is all consuming. It has been getting easier as they get a bit older, and I love my chi…

My partner and I have two kids (21 months and 5 weeks) and we absolutely hate the caretaking phase... which lasts a year? Our oldest can be pretty hilarious now so she's net worth it, but it was a journey of misery to get here, and the reason we dove right back into the icy pond of abject awfulness is that we just wanted to get it over with ASAP.

Why is it so torturous? For me, I'm a software engineer, and I became one because I'm obsessive. I like to think about a thing all day every day. The most I get now is maybe three 90 minute chunks a day, maybe a couple three hour chunks a week. If you're not like this you won't understand how it feels, but if you are, you'll know what I mean when I say learning to live without this kind of thing (I guess the term is need for cognition?) has made me into a completely different person.

It does get better though! We do daycare so when they're old enough I get a regular work schedule back. Definitely no nights or weekends though; those days are gone for the foreseeable future. But, like you, I'd do anything for them and I don't regret it. It's just hard to overstate how huge the change is--you legitimately are forced to become a different person (or, I guess, you can choose to not be a very good parent, idk)

Re: The Surreal Magnificence of Fatherhood

#132

Post by baxtr »

llm_nerd wrote: post #47

I have four children. I have never regretted it or wished for a different path. I know it isn't for everyone, but it absolutely was and is for me. At the same time I do think articles like this should be countered with the reality that many fathers aren't overwhelmed with waves of love or "surreal magnificence". With each of my children being born the primary emotions I could point to were dread and anxiety. The sudd…

Agree 100%.

People say it’s the cost. But what’s way worse is the effort and time you need to spend for every child.

A normal couple, most often with both having to work, will be at their limits to provide for more than 1 child - constantly.

A couple can’t replace the village unless they have tons of money.

Re: The Surreal Magnificence of Fatherhood

#133

Post by anon291 »

llm_trw wrote: post #127
anon291 wrote: post #121

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Part of the problem is that preferring family today is seen as nepotistic. Witness the widespread shock that Joe Biden pardoned his son.

The shock is because he said multiple times he wouldn't do it. You can't do better than the daily show coverage of it: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=V5BcIHPMAHw

No I agree. But you shouldn't be shocked. Obviously he was going to

Re: The Surreal Magnificence of Fatherhood

#134

Post by beachtaxidriver »

llm_trw wrote: post #130
WalterBright wrote: post #126

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I was one of 5. I was not neglected. I am a horrible person, though, so there's that.

Your parents by definition will only be able to spend 20% of the time on you that they could on a single child if they didn't neglect the others. Seeing children with multiple siblings with less than 8 year difference between them vs single children is shocking just how differently kids are treated. This is the most accurate but least factual description of what it looks like from the outside when a family keeps addi…

I see your point. But I think you may be taking it to extremes.

A parent can snuggle multiple kids at once, read to multiple kids at once, take multiple kids to the zoo at once, etc.

Moreover siblings have their own rich relationships.

Having closely spaced siblings is pretty normal.

Re: The Surreal Magnificence of Fatherhood

#135

Post by nickpsecurity »

The_Colonel wrote: post #122
nickpsecurity wrote: post #80

Earlier quoted context omitted.

To understand this, you have to start with four components: God’s sovereignty; human’s autonomy with consequences; individual vs group effects; all sin (evil) must be punished. God is sovereign which means He can do what He pleases. He created us to worship Him and love each other. He’s also painting a story of humanity that shows who He is (all attributes), who we are, and how that interacts. We are all part of the…

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Re: The Surreal Magnificence of Fatherhood

#136

Post by WalterBright »

llm_trw wrote: post #130
WalterBright wrote: post #126

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I was one of 5. I was not neglected. I am a horrible person, though, so there's that.

Your parents by definition will only be able to spend 20% of the time on you that they could on a single child if they didn't neglect the others. Seeing children with multiple siblings with less than 8 year difference between them vs single children is shocking just how differently kids are treated. This is the most accurate but least factual description of what it looks like from the outside when a family keeps addi…

> Your parents by definition will only be able to spend 20% of the time on you that they could on a single child if they didn't neglect the others.

Parents can spend time with their children as a group. Parents with lots of kids have the kids do the chores.

Re: The Surreal Magnificence of Fatherhood

#137

Post by mattlondon »

mr_mitm wrote: post #9

Is it like this for everyone? I sometimes wonder how large the number of cases is where the parent does not feel like that at all but refrains from sharing it due to societal expectations and fear of being judged. It would introduce a bias regarding these stories.

Not for me.

Don't get me wrong I couldn't imagine life without them, don't regret them, and I care for their well being deeply, but it certainly was not (and still is not at 5 and 3 years old) this overpowering feeling of love.

Re: The Surreal Magnificence of Fatherhood

#138

Post by throwanem »

nickpsecurity wrote: post #94
vivi_ wrote: post #86

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Why are you doing this? Friendly reminder that this is HackerNews; nobody is here (nor cares) to read your incoherent, unwelcome religious preach nor to argue religion - at all. That is not the topic of the article, there is nothing to do with religion in the article yet you feel it is your duty to solicit your irrelevant and frankly offensive religious beliefs onto others. I don't spew atheist thought unto christian…

We do it because we love Christ and love other people. We also enjoy meeting them, sharing our experiences, and so on. In this case, I saw a father writing enthusiastically about the wonders of children and fatherhood. I shared with him another perspective on it, the ability to have God in his life, and some advice from someone who thought similar to him. Just friendly discussion at that point. Most of my work here i…

Thank God I left Mississippi.

Re: The Surreal Magnificence of Fatherhood

#139

Post by llm_trw »

beachtaxidriver wrote: post #134
llm_trw wrote: post #130

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Your parents by definition will only be able to spend 20% of the time on you that they could on a single child if they didn't neglect the others. Seeing children with multiple siblings with less than 8 year difference between them vs single children is shocking just how differently kids are treated. This is the most accurate but least factual description of what it looks like from the outside when a family keeps addi…

I see your point. But I think you may be taking it to extremes. A parent can snuggle multiple kids at once, read to multiple kids at once, take multiple kids to the zoo at once, etc. Moreover siblings have their own rich relationships. Having closely spaced siblings is pretty normal.

In the west in the year of our lord 1955.

And in the year of our lord 2025 it's normal not to have kids in the west.

In most of the rest of the world neither of those things were normal.

Which is the point.

The west is weird when it comes to raising children and has been uniquely bad at it for over 80 years which happens to be living memory for pretty much everyone on here.

Re: The Surreal Magnificence of Fatherhood

#140

Post by Simon_ORourke »

It's f*cking hard work, for those in any doubt. It's the most difficult web server config file you've ever to edit at 4am to resolve some production outage, for years, without any hope of let up. Is it rewarding, yes, but it's a duty and there's no backup or timeout, you get to experience this 24/7 for at least a few year while they're young.
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