Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

How to grow professional relationships

tej.as

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

181–190 of 202 posts

Re: How to grow professional relationships

#181

Post by lelanthran »

lovich wrote: post #149
lukan wrote: post #134

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"The main point in making is that you need to continue in performing these relationship maintaining activities _before_ you need said persons help." Well, but I am quite good in determining if another person is just trying to be (fake) friendly, so they can get my help later and I am not interested in that and smalltalk won't create that bond for me. I am interested in genuine connections. So if someone asks this que…

> Well, but I am quite good in determining if another person is just trying to be (fake) friendly, so they can get my help later and I am not interested in that and smalltalk won't create that bond for me. I am interested in genuine connections. Can I presume that this is the burner account of some particular billionaire if you are that good at recognizing the social situations?

> Can I presume that this is the burner account of some particular billionaire if you are that good at recognizing the social situations?

I'm pretty certain GP isn't as good as he thinks he is. Literally no one can tell the difference between me making smalltalk because I think I may need you later and me making smalltalk because I am genuinely interested in you.

The reason I say this is because even I cannot tell tell the difference, because I tend to find something interesting in everyone. I've made smalltalk with literal ditch-diggers, and two weeks later with a billionaire, and the conversations were both pretty much the same.

Re: How to grow professional relationships

#182

Post by Muromec »

mrcptthrowaway wrote: post #171
askafriend wrote: post #80

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Allow me to be crude for a second: half the people in software are likely autistic so I'm not surprised they struggle with building or maintaining relationships.

Yep, I thought this was a ridiculous statement. Then I got diagnosed in my mid thirties because of sleeping issues. My psychologist needed to evaluate everything about me and diagnosed me as autistic, despite not really having social issues that much right now (it's because the science of social skills is one of my special interests).

No big surprise here -- autism is not a social or emotional imparement anyway and the doll test is a lie.

Re: How to grow professional relationships

#183

Post by whatshisface »

tejaskumar_ wrote: post #141
whatshisface wrote: post #131

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Isn't that basis for criticism a little broad? It sounds like you're saying that vegetarianism, every religion, and a higher than average scrupulousness towards not littering are in the same category as picking your nose during a one on one.

I don't think so: those are strong convictions that people have according to their value system and moral code and it's their right to have them. I'm not talking about that at all. To me, those are "closed handed" issues: we respect them without negotiation. I'm talking about "open handed" issues where people tend to debate and negotiate: preferences, not convictions—if 3/4 friends want to go get a sandwich, but 1/4…

People with strong value systems that differ from those around them are the freethinkers your friend with the tempestuous relationship with sandwiches is comparing themselves to.

It's not that people who clean up after camping have to drag all of humanity with them before they can claim to have done some good - it's that the sandwich shop example doesn't have anything to do with actual human values.

Re: How to grow professional relationships

#184

Post by whatshisface »

BobaFloutist wrote: post #153
whatshisface wrote: post #131

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Isn't that basis for criticism a little broad? It sounds like you're saying that vegetarianism, every religion, and a higher than average scrupulousness towards not littering are in the same category as picking your nose during a one on one.

Do you find that vegetarians, the religious, and people that are mindful about littering frequently take vocal pride in being "free thinkers"?

It's what they are, relative to a society that eats meat, doesn't really follow their self identified religion and that must put that garbage by the side of the trail somehow. :-)

Re: How to grow professional relationships

#185

Post by lukan »

lelanthran wrote: post #180
lukan wrote: post #121

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"Yup, you get a lot of people complaining about the pointlessness of small talk, but the reality is that small talk is social glue." Only with some people. Trying to do smalltalk with me, will not make me your friend. I simply hate smalltalk. (Talking unimportant things for the sake of talking) But there are a million of other interesting non buisness things I am willing to talk about at length. I also like to joke a…

I'd like you to consider a different perspective. Maybe ask yourself if your current perspective is too self-focused and maybe also a perspective that lacks self-awareness. ====================== I think you might be using a different definition of "smalltalk" than most people. Me, for example ... I don't talk about weather or sport. I won't pretend to be interested in 'em either. And yet, I have no problem engaging…

Well, partly it is indeed about defining smalltalk.

"then I don't think that the problem is that the whole world is too dumb[2] for your level of "smalltalk" topics."

I also don't think other people are too dumb to have conversation with me.

But I do value silence more, than well "talking for the sake of talking".

Meaning 2 people thinking they need to do smalltalk, but both people are not that interested in the other person. Casual blabla to pass the time. Or artificial attempts to "network". (Won't work like this) I can smile about such awkward conversations, but not take part in it.

Otherwise I can make deep connections very fast with completely random strangers and talk about anything. If I feel like it.

Re: How to grow professional relationships

#186

Post by bravetraveler »

tejaskumar_ wrote: post #144
01HNNWZ0MV43FF wrote: post #137

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It might be the depression talking, but I think in truth I don't want to like people. I'm not playing a strong Devil's Advocate for this thread, my comments are explanations and not excuses - I just don't like people, and I would need to be convinced that relationships are worth having, before I cared about how to have them. If I wanted lots of platonic business relationships I would be interested in how to have them…

If it's not too personal—why do you not want to like people?

Not them, but can relate. I dwell on the asymmetrical nature a bit. Relationships take more than they provide.

It's certainly an indication that I should maintain better relationships... but it's vastly easier to keep them minimal.

I hear people now: "but opportunities!". Can't miss what you already have.

To know I have a friend (of a certain class, at least) I have to be ready to effectively double the size of my life. It's already been pretty overwhelming. Different types of resilience involved or being developed

Back on topic: I find it's less about the people and more... everything in between. The act of sorting; rarely worth the effort. Manufacturing productive business relationships has been far simpler than personal. Where some find benefit joining them... I actually enjoy space between.

Re: How to grow professional relationships

#187

Post by baxuz »

Muromec wrote: post #182
mrcptthrowaway wrote: post #171

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yep, I thought this was a ridiculous statement. Then I got diagnosed in my mid thirties because of sleeping issues. My psychologist needed to evaluate everything about me and diagnosed me as autistic, despite not really having social issues that much right now (it's because the science of social skills is one of my special interests).

No big surprise here -- autism is not a social or emotional imparement anyway and the doll test is a lie.

> Autism is not a social or emotional impairment

That is blatantly false.

Re: How to grow professional relationships

#188

Post by rowanG077 »

digging wrote: post #164
ghaff wrote: post #82

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is a lot of the misunderstanding around "networking" you see in discussions. A lot of tech people see it as an unwelcome task/burden. Whereas, it should be generally viewed as a pleasurable opportunity to just get to know people who may (or may not) be useful at some point in the future.

I think the misunderstanding, in fact, is in reverse, demonstrated by the above comment. The networking required for career growth is, for many people, never going to pleasurable. My social circles don't have much overlap with, for example, startup founders. Developing personal relationships in my network is not likely to ever benefit my career growth. When people give the advice to "network" to enable my career grow…

All relationships in some form require you to not be true to yourself. It's just the way it works, we are all very different from each other so being able to create a shared bubble of understanding is an essential skill. That's not disingenuous or something to be lamented. It's how people bond.

Re: How to grow professional relationships

#189

Post by bravetraveler »

spiderfarmer wrote: post #83
dennis_jeeves2 wrote: post #68

Nearly every professional 'relationship' I've had has been transient after you stop working with them, with people completely failing to reciprocate even after multiple attempts to reach out. From talking to people I know that this experience is not unique to me, this appears to be the norm, may be it's the industry I work in : software development.

It's not that I don’t want my private life to seep into work, it's that I don't want work to seep into my private life. So I don't need friends that are also colleagues or clients. I already have great friends. I'm a great colleague in every way possible, but I never feel the need to be anything more than that. For most people work / life balance is already tipping towards work. They want it to be the other way aroun…

I don't even have that many real 'friends' (non-colleagues/family)... and I still agree. Separate is best - even if that means one side suffers. Solitude beats being taken advantage of, every time.

Re: How to grow professional relationships

#190

Post by lukan »

lelanthran wrote: post #181
lovich wrote: post #149

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Well, but I am quite good in determining if another person is just trying to be (fake) friendly, so they can get my help later and I am not interested in that and smalltalk won't create that bond for me. I am interested in genuine connections. Can I presume that this is the burner account of some particular billionaire if you are that good at recognizing the social situations?

> Can I presume that this is the burner account of some particular billionaire if you are that good at recognizing the social situations? I'm pretty certain GP isn't as good as he thinks he is. Literally no one can tell the difference between me making smalltalk because I think I may need you later and me making smalltalk because I am genuinely interested in you. The reason I say this is because even I cannot tell te…

"The reason I say this is because even I cannot tell tell the difference"

Then you are acting natural. I mean cold calculated attempts to bond to benefit. And nice empty small talk as an art to get there. This is the small talk I mean and don't like. Talking about small things in a fun way I enjoy

Post reply on HN