You’re definitely boring, to someone.
And you’re incredibly interesting to someone else.
The goal is to find mutually interesting matches. And most people won’t be a match. It’s a numbers game.
Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?
61–70 of 97 posts
Re: Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?
#62Sometimes group activities can be helpful. Have you tried inviting 3-5 friends to go out for drinks, go for a hike, play a sport, play cards, watch a game, etc.?
It’s less intimidating when you’re first getting to know someone if there’s a group, and then you’ll have something memorable in common in the future when you meet 1 on 1.
Re: Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?
#63The thing I always remind myself on this topic is from Dale Carengie's How to Win Friends and Influence People which is essentially you will make an order of magnitude more friends by being interested in other people than you will in trying to make them interested in you
The problem is that this advice is missing one piece of crucial information - first impressions are everything. Imagine you start a job, and you meet a coworker, who is well groomed, well spoken, and he just starts small chat with you, doing all the strategies in the book of "building you up". You would probably feel good. Now imagine the same situation except you have a coworker who is socially awkward and speaks in…
I wouldn't consider basic stuff like grooming to be "trying to get other people to be interested in you" aside from in the really strict sense (e.g. literally going outside at all is trying to get other people to be interested in you).
Re: Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?
#64Doing hobbies that involve other people has helped me make a lot of friends- for a lot of men in particular, this is often really the only way to build friendships. Learning how to be emotionally vulnerable is key to actually connecting with people. The book "Models" by Mark Manson is a pretty good primer on the importance of emotional vulnerability to connect with people. It is sort-of a dating advice book, but I've…
>> Doing hobbies that involve other people
This is something that doesn't really work for me. I've made a few friends through some hobbies (and we're still friends even though we don't participate in them anymore), but I think the problem is I'm not as into the hobbies as much as the other people are.
I don't want to hang out with anyone at my gym. A lot of the ____ club people are _obsessed_ with that particular thing. I have other interests than that one thing.
I find the key is being easy to talk to, and finding people who are easy to talk to.
Re: Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?
#65My dad has maintained relationships very well throughout his life. He's 70 now and still has friend from high school, college, old co-workers, former bosses, former employees... he gets together with people regularly for lunch, golf, or whatever. He takes a road trip once a year and stays at several people's homes on the way down. When I was growing up it was very normal for him to run into people he knew regardless of where we were in the country.
One thing I've seen him do, which I have a real hard time with, but it seems to be successful, is he makes the effort without judging the other person.
>I’ll invite an acquaintance to get a coffee or beer with me a few times but never have this acquaintance seemingly think of me if I’m not directly asking them to hang.
When my dad talks about it, he says that he recognizes people are busy and if someone doesn't reach out, things go on the back burner. Making plans isn't easy, and many people will accept plans or even want them, but have too much other stuff going on to spend the time to do it.
I'm pretty sure he schedules when he follows up with people so the ball doesn't get dropped and the relationship is maintained. Every few months I'll get a call from him asking to get together for dinner, it's completely one sided, but he never holds it against me. He knows I'm busy with work and stuff.
If people are accepting the invites you make and not making excuses, that must mean they still want to see you.
I always assume people are busy or don't want to commute. I had a friend reach out who I text with regularly, but haven't seen in 2 years. He asked if I wanted to go to a concert. I said sure, and we went. He lives 1.5 hours away. I would have never thought to ask him to go to a concern on a Wednesday that would require him to make arrangements for his kids, spend 3 hours in the car, and all that... but apparently it's something he's willing to do. Who knew...
Re: Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?
#66On the other side of this issue I started doing a couple things.
When people invited me to do things I used to hedge and say I’ll get back to them later. And if I couldn’t make it I’d just say so: as if the date and time were the issue at hand. Never even thinking of suggesting an alternate.
One day I realized it’s a big deal for some people to want to initiate a friendship and make the first step.
So now I excitedly agree to whatever they suggest and if there’s a reason I can’t make it I let them know a day later and suggest a new time.
That way they associate it with something positive and it keeps the momentum going.
Re: Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?
#67Offering unsolicited advice is a bad habit. If you find yourself using the words “you should” a lot, reconsider making those statements.
Re: Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?
#68I’m on the receiving end of this behavior, and even if I’m probably not representative of what’s happening to you, I will bring my data point anyway. There are quite a non-trivial number of people who reach out to me (mostly old friends/coworkers), with whom I wouldn’t want to engage. There are multiple reasons, but it fundamentally always boils down to any social interaction with them being an opportunity for them t…
Just some feedback. I consider this a normal part of catching up after a long period of time. They just don’t want you to think they’re not successful.
I just let them share some victories and once they feel they’ve impressed me enough they drop that act and the interactions normalize.
Re: Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?
#69Offering unsolicited advice is a bad habit. If you find yourself using the words “you should” a lot, reconsider making those statements.
Include that for yourself too. “I should” is often a way to shame yourself into doing a thing.
Re: Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?
#70Understand myself better. Know my strengths, weaknesses. Know why I tick. Which people are good for me even if difficult, know which people are easy to be around, which are hard, and why.
Not about comparison - but rather about my own tendencies. Accept things about myself I am ashamed of, whether I work on them or not.
Understand where I came from, how I got here. What I’m trying to do.