I think I have some advice for you but I should clarify something first. Do your acquaintances agree to hang out when you invite them?
Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?
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Re: Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?
#12(1) Live and Speak Honestly
(2) Be Childlike in your approach to life and relationships
(1) Honest Living
If your boring (and I don't know if you are), its probably because you stopped pursuing things that you wanted and excited you for something safe. Boring people also mask their emotions when speaking to people to avoid rejection.
To find people you genuinely connect with, you need to express yourself fully. Honest expressions will make you more polarizing, and you will experience rejection. But the people you connect with will be much deeper because they see who you actually are.
Honest living usually means some therapy or self reflection to identify the things in your life you stopped purusing. A simple litmus test: you are in a social situation and see a person you find attractive. Do you make excuses for not talking to them or go and talk to them, openly stating your interest?
(2) Childlike
Children play until they get hurt or get in trouble. Do you approach relationships with this attitude? Is your heart open to loving other people even if it hurts and they reject you?
Re: Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?
#13(1) Live and Speak Honestly (2) Be Childlike in your approach to life and relationships (1) Honest Living If your boring (and I don't know if you are), its probably because you stopped pursuing things that you wanted and excited you for something safe. Boring people also mask their emotions when speaking to people to avoid rejection. To find people you genuinely connect with, you need to express yourself fully. Hones…
For my specific situation, these are some profound questions and ways to frame my outlook. Thanks for your wisdom.
Re: Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?
#14I think I have some advice for you but I should clarify something first. Do your acquaintances agree to hang out when you invite them?
Probably less than 50% of the time. So I’m in the “mostly rejected” category.
Re: Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?
#15I think I have some advice for you but I should clarify something first. Do your acquaintances agree to hang out when you invite them?
Probably less than 50% of the time. So I’m in the “mostly rejected” category.
Less than 50% can be 45%.
If people agree to hang out with you 45% of the time, that's really great.
Most of my circle is busy enough that my personal rate is somewhere between 20% and 30%.
Try giving people a longer notice. Like maybe a full week instead of a couple of days. This should help them fit you into their schedule. People are just really busy these days.
It's not your fault.
Re: Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?
#16The thing I always remind myself on this topic is from Dale Carengie's How to Win Friends and Influence People which is essentially you will make an order of magnitude more friends by being interested in other people than you will in trying to make them interested in you
Re: Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?
#17but never have this acquaintance seemingly think of me if I’m not directly asking them to hang.
Treating relationsips non-transactionally, helped me. Sure, sometimes I might feel a bit disappointed. That's a hazard of para-social thinking. Relationships have asymmetries. Hence the friendship paradox: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friendship_paradox
Maybe I’m a boring person?
Well half of all people are more boring than average...But mostly adult lives are complex. You probably don't rate as highly as someone's child, partner, or established social circle. These are long term relationships. Good luck.
Re: Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?
#18Take a lesson from alcohol (but don't drink).
Disinhibition is a social lubricant. We are so used to being safe because that's what the workplace requires, that we've lost the ability to be disinhibited around closer relationships. People who can be disinhibited and show their flaws are really attractive. But it doesn't come free, some people will reject you more. And that's ok.
Re: Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?
#193 strikes and you're out.
I'm nearly 50 and an extrovert and I've found that healthy and fulfilling relations are a function of reciprocity.
I'm willing to engage with someone 3x and see if they'll reciprocate. If not, I move on--no hard feelings, just realizing it's not a mutual fit.
This rule has served me immensely well in my friends. As a result, I have nearly no loose friends--just very tight, reliable connections.
Re: Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?
#20When I have trouble diagnosing something, I reach into literature for clues. Your post reminded me about this paper from 2016, reading it might prove to be helpful for you.
>Are You Your Friends’ Friend? Poor Perception of Friendship Ties Limits the Ability to Promote Behavioral Change
https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal...