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Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?

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Re: Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?

#51

Post by hiAndrewQuinn »

_yb2s wrote: post #36

Doing hobbies that involve other people has helped me make a lot of friends- for a lot of men in particular, this is often really the only way to build friendships. Learning how to be emotionally vulnerable is key to actually connecting with people. The book "Models" by Mark Manson is a pretty good primer on the importance of emotional vulnerability to connect with people. It is sort-of a dating advice book, but I've…

"Models" by Mark Manson was my bible in college, and I swear by it.

I especially swear by the summary at https://thingofthings.wordpress.com/2018/05/25/models-a-summ... , which I printed out and read basically every morning for a couple of months until it felt like a part of me. Changed my life, vastly for the better.

Re: Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?

#52

Post by toptrumps »

copperx wrote: post #18

Take a lesson from alcohol (but don't drink). Disinhibition is a social lubricant. We are so used to being safe because that's what the workplace requires, that we've lost the ability to be disinhibited around closer relationships. People who can be disinhibited and show their flaws are really attractive. But it doesn't come free, some people will reject you more. And that's ok.

Alcohol makes people just loud and foolish IMO. I like your point but I think it oversells that drug a bit. Occasionally you can have a good trip on it though.

Re: Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?

#53

Post by toptrumps »

onewheeltom wrote: post #23

Personally, I think this has to do with not being very good at making friends when I was younger.

Tell me about it. I have a perfect blend of being almost friendless as a kid, bullied then major friendship issues as an adult that made me not trust friends then move country and have kids, and heath issues. To boot: i am an intovert and anxious. So yeah happyish to not have friends. It feels like a monumental effort to fix that now and not a big concern ad I focus on lower maslov needs like survival.

Re: Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?

#54

Post by binary132 »

ActorNightly wrote: post #35
mhartz wrote: post #16

The thing I always remind myself on this topic is from Dale Carengie's How to Win Friends and Influence People which is essentially you will make an order of magnitude more friends by being interested in other people than you will in trying to make them interested in you

The problem is that this advice is missing one piece of crucial information - first impressions are everything. Imagine you start a job, and you meet a coworker, who is well groomed, well spoken, and he just starts small chat with you, doing all the strategies in the book of "building you up". You would probably feel good. Now imagine the same situation except you have a coworker who is socially awkward and speaks in…

I’m probably the exception rather than the rule, but I generally enjoy spending time with people who are a little more offbeat and intense much more than with people who are well put together and well presented, assuming they have something worthwhile to offer. People like that give me a sales vibe and it’s really icky, makes me feel paranoid. Plus I’d much rather have an interesting discussion about something challenging than share in tiresome pleasantries.

I CAN enjoy and get along with the other type, but it’s much more fruitful and I’m more likely to seek to spend time with those who offer something to engage with. I have very limited time so I’d prefer to spend it profitably.

But yeah, people like that can definitely be more weird, uncomfortable, and downright awkward, for sure. No doubt many in this forum can too. I try to just have patience and suppress my natural irritation for the sake of learning something, or discovering interesting things about a person I wouldn’t have otherwise. I’ve certainly committed the opposite error too, in rejecting people socially who later turned out to be pretty cool and unique despite their flaws and foibles.

But like, for the majority of folks, you definitely need to be able to hang and be comfortably normal, too. I just see that as a less profitable way to allocate my time usually.

I might be undiagnosed / high-functioning autistic spectrum though so take it with a grain of salt, but many people in tech are.

Re: Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?

#55

Post by galfarragem »

j_crick wrote: post #27

> How do you fix something like this if you can’t diagnose what’s wrong? You don't "fix" it, you just fine-tune your behavior models. Make of yourself something that people need and/or want (which is often something they'll eventually outright signal that they're missing). Don't make yourself dependable, but desirable. Empathy and compassion are fickle resources because if you are superficial about expressing them, p…

Congratulations, new skill unlocked: master manipulator. /s

Re: Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?

#57

Post by lcall »

lcall wrote: post #38

Maybe somewhat tangential, but for maintaining relationships (close or distant) in general, the best things for me (who am still learning) have been a study of the Bible and Book of Mormon, and some things they said in our church's General Conference, which I will try to roughly quote from memory: "Never let a task to be accomplished be more important than a person to be loved." "The primary feeling in any interactio…

And if disagreeing, one can always say "I guess we see it differently. Maybe different assumptions or priorities. Good food for thought..." and smile and be curious about their rationale without ever being angry.

Re: Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?

#58

Post by johnfn »

gigatree wrote: post #46
cvdub wrote: post #28

> I’ll invite an acquaintance to get a coffee or beer with me a few times but never have this acquaintance seemingly think of me if I’m not directly asking them to hang. This is a great start! You’re already doing what most people find the hardest: making the first move. Grabbing coffee, and even going out to dinner, aren’t good activities for making deep connections. They’re too short and too routine. They can work,…

[flagged]

The difference between OP and ChatGPT is that OP is actually making insightful points.

Re: Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?

#59

Post by nuancebydefault »

> I’ll invite an acquaintance to get a coffee or beer

In the past I was quito often very surprised/disappointed to yield the result you describe. A lot of people have busy lives. Chances that the acquaintance would randomly invite you back are low, unless you became good friends. There's some 'uncommon magick' or chemistry involved in becoming close friends. Don't take it personally.

My advice would be basically come into contact with a lot of people, ie

- taking up a hobby where other people are involved. You already have the benefit of a common interest.

- talk AND listen to 'random' people for example in a shop while waiting, at the gym, in the waiting room of the dentist etc. People tend to like and trust people who easily talk and listen with empathy.

- hang around with people of your same age.

Re: Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?

#60

Post by aantix »

Always risk the relationship by revealing your thoughts.

Even those hard, messy, I don’t think you’ll like me or you’ll think I’m crazy thoughts.

“I will be truthful with you and you with me, and we will find ourselves in this knowing.

People think that intimacy is about sex. But intimacy is about truth.

When you realize you can tell someone your truth, when you can show yourself to them, when you stand in front of them and their response is “you’re safe with me” - that’s intimacy.”

— Taylor Jenkins Reid

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