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Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?

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Re: Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?

#31

Post by iJohnDoe »

Just like any relationship, some click and some don’t.

People are busy and don’t think about others most of the time. Most live in their own world.

If they get an invite, they’ll often be happy to mix things up and meet. Then most go back to their normal routine.

Give off relaxed and breezy vibes. It’s easy to sense when someone is trying too hard. Most don’t want an another obligation in life, so they don’t want another thing they need to be bothered by. However, a friend that is casual works out better.

Amount of time between hanging out has naturally gotten further apart. Allow yourself to be okay with this aspect.

Don’t take things personally. Be your natural and genuine self.

Good luck!

Re: Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?

#32

Post by bravetraveler »

beadey wrote: post #29
bravetraveler wrote: post #26

Ruthless grounded selection

Can you expound on this a bit? It seems that it’s realistically pursuing relationships that only seem as if they are moving in a reciprocal direction, otherwise move on as quickly as possible.

I can try! Your example is fairly generous. There are several reasons, some are less appropriate for a forum like this.

It's not so much reciprocity... but, some sort of personal investment. If I don't think someone is fully into "$thing", then I'll save the spot for someone who is. There are shades to relationships, most of mine have not been great. It's a defense mechanism - I know I'm not the target.

I don't recommend any of this, really. Just to make considerations. I'm closer with some of my coworkers than most of my family, yet I'm not that keen. Most of the time, at least. It's strange. Incredibly dynamic.

I would benefit greatly from more people like you who actually do make an effort. Yet, I'd disappoint you and feel terrible about it. I think I'm always prepared for things to go south, expecting it - perhaps causing it.

Re: Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?

#33

Post by toomuchtodo »

rchaud wrote: post #30
mhartz wrote: post #16

The thing I always remind myself on this topic is from Dale Carengie's How to Win Friends and Influence People which is essentially you will make an order of magnitude more friends by being interested in other people than you will in trying to make them interested in you

This is good advice for salespeople who need to strike up a rapport in a short amount of time. Real adult friendships are far more complicated due to the time investment required to actually build a friendship.

To add to this, adult relationships are shades of shared adversity, reciprocity, vulnerability, and demonstrating reliability. Avoid transactional behavior, put yourself out there, accept losses but be present in the positive moments.

Re: Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?

#34

Post by bitbasher »

I can't speak for women, but for men it's tough to make friends.

We tend to not get personal and if you don't have deeper more meaningful conversations with someone you can't really become "friends."

I've only had a few friends my entire life and I've lost most of them.

Re: Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?

#35

Post by ActorNightly »

mhartz wrote: post #16

The thing I always remind myself on this topic is from Dale Carengie's How to Win Friends and Influence People which is essentially you will make an order of magnitude more friends by being interested in other people than you will in trying to make them interested in you

The problem is that this advice is missing one piece of crucial information - first impressions are everything.

Imagine you start a job, and you meet a coworker, who is well groomed, well spoken, and he just starts small chat with you, doing all the strategies in the book of "building you up". You would probably feel good.

Now imagine the same situation except you have a coworker who is socially awkward and speaks in a monotone voice, doesn't do small chat, and right away starts asking very probing questions. You would probably be annoyed as fuck.

Re: Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?

#36

Post by _yb2s »

Doing hobbies that involve other people has helped me make a lot of friends- for a lot of men in particular, this is often really the only way to build friendships.

Learning how to be emotionally vulnerable is key to actually connecting with people. The book "Models" by Mark Manson is a pretty good primer on the importance of emotional vulnerability to connect with people. It is sort-of a dating advice book, but I've found it helpful for making regular friendships and connecting with my own family as well.

Another thing that is helpful is learning how to communicate assertively- which is the opposite of being emotionally manipulative. The book "When I say no I feel guilty" is particularly good introduction to assertive communication. A lot of people only learned emotionally manipulative communication, and will be avoided by almost anyone that sees that for what it is.

Counter-intuitively, not being desperate is critical. Be willing to judge if someone is worth your time, and be willing to disagree with people or say no, without letting the fear of being rejected control you. The same authenticity and vulnerability that will make people really connect with you, will also drive some people away, and that is totally fine. The goal is not to be friends with everyone, but to make good friends with people you are compatible with.

Therapy can often be helpful for developing all 3 of the above skills.

Lastly, take the initiative to make things happen. Invite someone to do activities several times before expecting them to reciprocate. People tend to be busy, shy, stressed, etc. - just because people don't reach out doesn't mean they don't like you.

Re: Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?

#37

Post by aristofun »

1. You're not a 100 dollar bill to be liked by everyone that you like. While worrying about it is in itself a repellent.

2. You may actually be full of sh.t (nobody's perfect). Only life and rarely a very close true friend can give you proper hints (or lessons which are often quite expensive, but that is what builds your character and makes you you in the end).

Re: Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?

#38

Post by lcall »

Maybe somewhat tangential, but for maintaining relationships (close or distant) in general, the best things for me (who am still learning) have been a study of the Bible and Book of Mormon, and some things they said in our church's General Conference, which I will try to roughly quote from memory:

"Never let a task to be accomplished be more important than a person to be loved."

"The primary feeling in any interaction should be love."

"Observe and serve."

This does not mean failure to speak only truth in kindness as appropriate, or to set boundaries when necessary. I think Jesus Christ's example of understanding, truth, and kindness are ideal for us all.

Also as some have hinted here, being a good listener, asking questions, caring about others' background and well-being in general, being humble, willing to share when appropriate, and looking for the good and things to appreciate in others, and ways to serve, can go a long way. Interesting volunteering opportunities (where you would meet people as a side-effect) might be found at https://justserve.org if available in your area.

Re: Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?

#39

Post by deanmoriarty »

I’m on the receiving end of this behavior, and even if I’m probably not representative of what’s happening to you, I will bring my data point anyway.

There are quite a non-trivial number of people who reach out to me (mostly old friends/coworkers), with whom I wouldn’t want to engage. There are multiple reasons, but it fundamentally always boils down to any social interaction with them being an opportunity for them to compare themselves with me, and making me feel inferior, by explicit comments or by some sort of virtue signaling. I’m not even sure they realize it, and it’s also possible it’s just in my head. Regardless, that’s how I feel.

I am not a complete sociopath, so just declaring upfront that I do not desire to meet with them is bad taste in my morals, so I simply ruthlessly decline every single invitation, until they get the point and stop reaching out. It’s puzzling to me how sometimes a person might reach out for YEARS before giving up (on a perhaps 2-3 month basis for 2-3 years), asking for a call or to meet up, and me every time shutting them down with “I’m busy”, “I’m traveling”, etc.

Make no mistake, if I were to “cave in” and meet them up, it would immediately be an opportunity for them to flaunt their financial/marital/career/athletic success in front of me, by comparing themselves to me, so no, no pity. Example: a “friend” who made $20M from an extremely lucky IPO had the nerve to tell me “why don’t you just pick a good company that’s going to IPO soon and make a lot of money like me? A couple years and then you’re done, it’s easy”. No shit lol. This is a person who insisted for YEARS to meet up, after I started the process of declining any invitation. Fortunately he seems to have moved on now, but never say never.

Re: Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?

#40

Post by hanifc »

_yb2s wrote: post #36

Doing hobbies that involve other people has helped me make a lot of friends- for a lot of men in particular, this is often really the only way to build friendships. Learning how to be emotionally vulnerable is key to actually connecting with people. The book "Models" by Mark Manson is a pretty good primer on the importance of emotional vulnerability to connect with people. It is sort-of a dating advice book, but I've…

Not much to add to an already great comment, but I'll emphatically back the recommendation of "Models".

I read that book in my early 20s so that I could have better relationships with women, but what I got from that book were lessons on living a good and authentic life. Easily the most influential book I've ever read.

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