Actively and deliberately maintain contact and communication. Result? Marginal. Yes, I feel it has helped but only a little, at the margin.
Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?
21–30 of 97 posts
Re: Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?
#22R.A.D.A.R. or structured communication. This is the idea that difficult and "we need to talk" kinds of topics should not be addressed when "hot" but when the circumstances are at their best; and that deliberate time with best circumstances should be created deliberately; and that some topics that rarely get time to be discussed should get time. This is a profound idea. ... and for me so far it has had minimal result. In part because of a partner weaponizing EVEN these deliberately perfect circumstances! Le sigh.
Trying to make convo circumstances and process perfect cannot solve mental issues or deeply ingrained habbits. Not quickly anyway, perhaps not at all. But for damn sure, it's thinking in the right direction!
I am currently wanting to apply this "even" to friendships but run into the issue that people "don't have time".
Re: Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?
#23Personally, I think this has to do with not being very good at making friends when I was younger.
Re: Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?
#24Recognizing that friendships are important. It's easy when younger to take them for granted. Easy come, easy go (even when not easy come). That's profoundly mistaken. Friendships of all kinds are important and deserve a deliberate approach.
Re: Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?
#25> never have this acquaintance seemingly think of me if I’m not directly asking them to hang
Many people don't think twice about friendships (of any kind). It's them.
You are not their top of the list attraction (of any kind). It's you.
But then too, when you are lucky enough to find someone who really clicks with you, do ask them to critique your approach. Sadly in many cultures including the US, this is just "not done". Not considered appropriate. Even when you ask. That's so sad. No wonder we are lonely.
Re: Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?
#26Ruthless grounded selection
Re: Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?
#27> How do you fix something like this if you can’t diagnose what’s wrong?
You don't "fix" it, you just fine-tune your behavior models.
Make of yourself something that people need and/or want (which is often something they'll eventually outright signal that they're missing). Don't make yourself dependable, but desirable.
Empathy and compassion are fickle resources because if you are superficial about expressing them, people will notice.
Sound advice and expertise are nice but limited in scope and frequency, and require some reputation and trust building.
In most informal contexts most people are prone to oversharing to a keen ear. So become an active listener, pretend to be genuinely interested (but not necessarily empathic) about people's experiences and throw in something relatable to them on the way, pretend to be more stupid than them, grease their egos while playing an innocent contrarian, and eventually they'll think you're a great person and invite you to their secret boring, pretentious and utterly tasteless wine drinking clubs. If that's what you want then you win.
Re: Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?
#28> I’ll invite an acquaintance to get a coffee or beer with me a few times but never have this acquaintance seemingly think of me if I’m not directly asking them to hang.
This is a great start! You’re already doing what most people find the hardest: making the first move.
Grabbing coffee, and even going out to dinner, aren’t good activities for making deep connections. They’re too short and too routine. They can work, it’ll just take longer, and you will have to work harder to make sure conversation is meaningful.
I think the best way to make real friendships is to go on a weekend trip somewhere together. First of all, you’re spending days together instead of hours, but more importantly, you’ll have a shared experience to remember. You get to see what someone is like not only during activities and meals, but also during downtime.
Weekend trips could be awkward if it’s just one on one though, so if you don’t have a group, the next best thing is doing an activity together. Figure out a shared interest, then invite your new friend to do something you’d both enjoy. Maybe it’s a concert, talk, hike, whatever. Do that a few times and your new friend will associate you with that activity. Next time they’re going to a concert/talk/hike or whatever, they’ll invite you to tag along.
Re: Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?
#29Ruthless grounded selection
Can you expound on this a bit? It seems that it’s realistically pursuing relationships that only seem as if they are moving in a reciprocal direction, otherwise move on as quickly as possible.
Re: Ask HN: What breakthrough helped you build and maintain better relationships?
#30The thing I always remind myself on this topic is from Dale Carengie's How to Win Friends and Influence People which is essentially you will make an order of magnitude more friends by being interested in other people than you will in trying to make them interested in you
This is good advice for salespeople who need to strike up a rapport in a short amount of time. Real adult friendships are far more complicated due to the time investment required to actually build a friendship.