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The Collapse of Self-Worth in the Digital Age

thewalrus.ca

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Re: The Collapse of Self-Worth in the Digital Age

#141

Post by mettamage »

ndarray wrote: post #112
mettamage wrote: post #39

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Funny, I have career issues and dating is easy but that’s only because I was willing to stake my whole life on it and use everything in my power to change it (except changing my looks - I look mediocre). Happily married right now. Feel free to email me to exchange some career advice for dating advice.

> I was willing to stake my whole life on it and use everything in my power to change it You made dating easy by fully revolving your life around it for some period? That sounds very interesting - mind sharing the bullet points with everyone?

Sure, very opinionated but here we go: dating, it’s about matching personality. Do the hexaco.org test, figure out how to identify the extreme dimensions on your profile that you identify with (openness in my case). Learn to find those women. Now be prepared to talk to 10000 women by cold approaching or through online dating. It usually takes more like 200 for a GF but you will be doing socially uncomfortable things, so having a hardcore mindset helps.

Cold approaching respectfully is a small course on its own, especially since I deviate from standard advice because I test what works for me. TL;DR: approach respectfully (safe and it’s nice) yet playfully or curiously (fun and not boring).

Online dating: enhance your pictures with AI as if it is the best picture of you ever taken. Test this with a few throwaway dates by telling them that your pictures were edited. Bonus points if they aren’t deterred by it (it means they can take candor). If they are, well it was a throwaway date anyway. Have throwaway dates in general. These are dates with women you genuinely like but you test certain things. All the things you test should have a screening effect (aka if they like it, it means they match you better), that’s how you make testing things ethical. Also, use an autoswiper and don’t get caught doing it.

What helps: meditation, social courage (better than confidence as my confidence is quite low but my courage is crazy high), studying charisma (as it pertains to your personality).

That’s a very short tl;dr. I am probably missing things. Feel free to email to chat about it. I desperately need career advice for in the EU.

Re: The Collapse of Self-Worth in the Digital Age

#145

Post by TheOtherHobbes »

Aeolun wrote: post #124
__turbobrew__ wrote: post #32

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I feel the same. One thing that I have struggled with in relationships is that others need to feel validated, that their decisions are rational and that other people believe that they are rational. Stimulus from the outside to satisfy the inside. What makes this difficult for me is that I don’t need to feel validated, I am comfortable with my own decisions in life and do not need someone else to approve. I think this…

You may not need anyone else to approve, but doesn’t it still cause issues when they don’t?

Yes, but that's a different problem.

Although it's also tangential to the essay, which is about the mechanisation of self-image - not just sell-worth, but identity in general.

Which has always been socially imposed (even on those who are sure they're different). But now it can be directed algorithmically by a very small number of actors, who have the power to apply behaviour and value modification tools that can be individually tailored for everyone in a demographic - in ways which most people aren't even aware of.

"Low self-esteem" is just one the effects.

Re: The Collapse of Self-Worth in the Digital Age

#146

Post by skissane »

phkahler wrote: post #41
skissane wrote: post #4

The other day I was talking to a psychologist about [difficult personal situation which I am unable to discuss publicly] and she said to me “This must be really damaging to your self-worth.” And, my honest internal reaction to her statement (although I didn’t say it out loud to her) was “Self-worth, what is that?” Because I’m not sure if I have any? I don’t mean that in the negative sense that I think I am worthless…

>> "Self-worth, what is that?” Because I’m not sure if I have any? This almost made me laugh. I know where you're at. You got a long road ahead so get started! Tell your psychologist when these things pop in your head. Have a laugh, but then reflect on it or whatever. Let me offer some alternatives to "autistic": Anhedonia, schizoid personality disorder, avoidant (attachment OR personality disorder). There are many t…

> Let me offer some alternatives to "autistic": Anhedonia, schizoid personality disorder, avoidant (attachment OR personality disorder).

You are right, except in my case I’m pretty sure it is more autistic than any of those - our children do X/Y/Z and professionals tell us “those are signs of autism” (one child diagnosed, the other not yet formally but the paediatrician is convinced she has it and on the waiting list for an assessment) and (for many but not all of them) I’m thinking “what do you mean that’s a sign of autism? I was like that when I was a kid too, some of them I am even still like that”

Re: The Collapse of Self-Worth in the Digital Age

#147

Post by wpietri »

s1artibartfast wrote: post #100
wpietri wrote: post #94

Earlier quoted context omitted.

They explicitly said, "If others see it, great. If not, no big deal." So I agree they get some reward from the writing. (Like all writers do, and like we can all do just as well with a journal.) But the part I just quoted is clearly part of the reward function, and just as clearly the total reward increases with others seeing it. Which on HN is controlled by upvotes.

They also said "Sometimes it's nice just to formulate thoughts in writing". "Just" implies sufficient reward. Visibility is a part of the reward function, but it is not dependent on it.

You're using a meaning of "depends on" which I'm unfamiliar with. Where are you getting it from?

Re: The Collapse of Self-Worth in the Digital Age

#148

Post by bitwize »

squidgedcricket wrote: post #113
lordleft wrote: post #108

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I am a Christian. Something I have found within my faith tradition (and something I find is lacking in the culture around me) is a sense that I am in possession of an infinitely durable source of dignity and worthiness that is not tethered to who I am or what I have done. I have found this conceit enormously consoling.

I'm envious of that intrinsic sense of self worth, but I don't follow how that's a consequence of being Christian. I carry guilt and shame from sins that can't be rectified, knowing that Jesus loves me doesn't help me love myself.

Christian mythology is powerful because of the idea that God loves you so much he will give you infinite chances to repent and turn away from sin for as long as you live. Carrying guilt and shame for your sins won't fix them, but being sorry for them and working to sin no more will fix your future.

It was even more powerful in an era when the gods were vengeful in their retribution and/or capricious in their favor. I'm not saying I like it or agree with it, but it does really bring some form of comfort to people, which is why it spread so far and lasted for so long.

Re: The Collapse of Self-Worth in the Digital Age

#149

Post by mikewarot »

didgetmaster wrote: post #44

Every user on HN has a score (up votes vs down votes) based on reactions to comments and submissions. How many of us will not be our authentic selves in a comment because of fear of how others might react? I know that I have done this.

I tend to wonder what the heck I said that caused an unexpected downvote.

I tend to get grumpy when an expected one happens, there are many unwritten rules on HN.

I tend to defend against imagined arguments with my statements, and against corner cases far, FAR too much. Getting those imagined arguments wrong doesn't help either.

I do notice that things that are inconvenient but true tend to take a hit, then rise back over time, so that's a good thing.

Re: The Collapse of Self-Worth in the Digital Age

#150

Post by detourdog »

orbisvicis wrote: post #97
detourdog wrote: post #77

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My partner considers my deliberateness as lazy. They won’t discuss things with me because they already know all about me. My willingness to share their perception of me being ineffective was quite damaging to my self esteem. I never felt successful due to lack of acknowledgment of my achievements. They asked me to leave the house about a year ago. Once I met new people and they saw me as successful and fun my self wo…

Yes, that's why I qualified self-worth by field of competency. I really try to view the world objectively, ignoring the opinions of others, but after N fizzled relationships... is it me or is it you? But just because you are detached from societal values doesn't imply you should be detached from people. I can't enumerate the intangibles I get by surrounding myself with others. I perform better, I have better ideas, I…

The closest conclusion is that some people are flexible and looking forward and others are rigid and looking for reasons to be dissatisfied.
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