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Ask HN: Former gifted children with hard lives, how did you turn out?

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251–260 of 357 posts

Re: Ask HN: Former gifted children with hard lives, how did you turn out?

#251

ACE Score: 0, therefore I apologise if this is too flippant since I don't suffer the depth of lows of clinical depression provides, although I've been through some unpleasant troughs in my time I'm sure I can't comprehend the potential psychological damage of most ACE scores above mine. There's a particular line of The Desiderata[0] that says so much in so few words: no less than the trees and the stars; you have a r…

ACE 1, so I’m qualified to respond :)

An important thing for you and I to keep in mind is that we aren’t just talking about psychology.

ACEs cause (or exacerbate) depression, anxiety, and so on; they also cause (or exacerbate) cancer, heart disease, autoimmune disorders, and so on.

It’s obviously a lot of work to disentangle causation from secondary health impacts of mental illness, but to our shame there is more than enough data, and the work has been done. An appreciable fraction of the damage done by ACEs is physical and irreversible after adolescence.

I think this is important for us to remember because it’s easy for us to say, oh, they must need some extra support. And yeah, they do. But it’s too little, too late. They — the children — need us to stop the ACEs from happening.

Editing in a caveat I remembered elsewhere: of course the scores don’t cause these things, and of course the individual variance is huge. As a diagnostic criterion, ACE is useful as a screener and that’s about it. As a statistic, it’s revealed a pandemic.

Re: Ask HN: Former gifted children with hard lives, how did you turn out?

#252

ACE 0. Feels abnormal looking at everyone here. I don't consider myself that successful. Very average or below in career and also extremely below average in life outside of work. Not very many friends, never been in a relationship (I'm old). Maybe some trauma really is needed in your childhood to produce more drive. I'm wondering what's the distribution of ACE.

I feel similarly. I've noticed nearly every form of self-help material I've read starts out with some trauma the author overcame. Anectodal evidence ofc.

I feel like there needs to be something that "kick starts" you to push yourself. I had a cushy, comfortable childhood that probably needed a bit more discomfort. My parents grew up in more challenging environments and did their best to not pass that on, maybe they did too good of a job. They have significantly stronger work ethic than I do.

Yea there's a lot of people with high trauma who don't make it (like some other posters have said) - we see the survivorship bias. But sometimes I wish I had a bit more kick in the ass younger because now I'm unable to do so to myself as an adult. Artificial trauma maybe suffices - like why is hazing for group bonding still a thing anywhere? Maybe college kids know what they're doing, and the occasional death is just the price we have to pay

Maybe I'm just ranting and none of this would help. I'm average because I'm lazy and it's hard to accept

Re: Ask HN: Former gifted children with hard lives, how did you turn out?

#253
post #207

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yes. The fear is real, and 100% more tangible when you're holding your child the first few times. Overcome with love, joy and sadness because you cannot comprehend how anyone could treat someone that they love so deeply in a bad way. I don't think "made it" is the differentiator here. It's more about emotional maturity and acceptance that you're chiefly responsible for another human beings experience of the world: Wh…

Is #5 really that bad? Kids can be real shitheads sometimes, but you have to be willing to really go through with it.

Yes, #1 really is that bad. Especially for _small_ children.

Re: Ask HN: Former gifted children with hard lives, how did you turn out?

#254
post #237

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Internet friend… please talk to someone. Use the 988 line. Mental health is only different from physical health because of societal norms. I don’t know you but please know your short description here stoked compassion in a stranger. Your life has value and meaning and impact. Thank you for sharing.

Thank you for your kind and empathetic words. I’ll probably be ok. I’m medicated and my therapist and psychiatrist are aware of my ideation. I have a very supportive spouse. I live an upper middle class life. When my ideation moves into active planning is when I reach out for additional help. Honestly, I feel very fortunate.

Did not have it nearly as bad as you but do struggle with similar issues on occasion, ultimately concluding I am fortunate and have a good situation now. But you know who I feel very bad for, is the coming generations. I feel like our age group has been so lucky to be around when the computer/internet revolution blew up. But it feels like it kinda settled down now, and there is no more easy access to it for bright young people. I hope I am wrong.

Re: Ask HN: Former gifted children with hard lives, how did you turn out?

#257
My ACE score is... Zero. I think it doesn't take into account other factors (e.g. being bullied at school, or being ridiculed by friends), as it focuses mostly on the family environment.

Anyway, it made me feel so lucky to go through the questions, and being able to always answer negatively. I felt so loved by my parents (more than what I already did).

I was gifted, for sure. I thought I had quite a hard childhood, but this puts things in perspective.

Re: Ask HN: Former gifted children with hard lives, how did you turn out?

#258
post #60

ACR score of 7 all the people involved in that score are dead save for 1. Don’t have any contact with that person except over a group SMS chat and it’s fine. I’m 48, married, two awesome teenage boys and doing well. Not sure why, all the therapists over the years I’ve seen with my wife are typically just perplexed by me. I do what brings me joy and take care of those that depend on me, that’s it. That strategy has wo…

Do you agree with the assessment that having kids can help with handling of some of these growth or lack of development challenges? I've heard that from a few high-ACE score fathers and I appreciate the advice. My wife and I are heading that direction for multiple reasons, including my own personal growth.

Re: Ask HN: Former gifted children with hard lives, how did you turn out?

#259
post #207

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yes. The fear is real, and 100% more tangible when you're holding your child the first few times. Overcome with love, joy and sadness because you cannot comprehend how anyone could treat someone that they love so deeply in a bad way. I don't think "made it" is the differentiator here. It's more about emotional maturity and acceptance that you're chiefly responsible for another human beings experience of the world: Wh…

Is #5 really that bad? Kids can be real shitheads sometimes, but you have to be willing to really go through with it.

It's threatening abandonment if they fail to comply with whatever whim you have. It's actually one of the most traumatic things you can do to a small child - because they've learned what you want is all that matters, and if they don't guess what you want properly, they'll be left without a parent.

So yeah - it's pretty bad.

Re: Ask HN: Former gifted children with hard lives, how did you turn out?

#260
post #230

This is cathartic. Thanks. ACE 8. I was often hungry and cold. and sometimes homeless. I was poor in an area stricken with poverty (appalachia). I lived in a home that didn’t have half of an exterior wall, and we only had a kerosene heater. Often, there was no electric. We originally didn’t have plumbing except for an outhouse (luckily a federal program forced a corrupt contractor to tack on a shoddy bathroom to the…

ACE 8 is very high. Too high. I'm only ACE 4 and feel like there was significant trauma in my life. I cannot imagine the struggle and hardship attached to ACE 8.

Please get some help, friend. You are too young and have much to contribute to the world. Some help and guidance will help you pull through this tough phase. 45-48 is a depressing time for most people. You will get through this.

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