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How to be a good listener

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Re: How to be a good listener

#151

Post by cutemonster »

unsupp0rted wrote: post #73
nicbou wrote: post #36

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I got better at listening, and more curious in general. I've met a lot of strangers recently as I am travelling. I sometimes sit with people for hours, learn everything about their lives, and never get to say what I do for a living. Never a single "and you?" I notice it happening at home too. Sometimes you'll talk with a friend for 30+ minutes, then think "I'm fine too, thanks for asking". I was lucky to meet good li…

I've been on several dates like this. The other person talks about themselves for 30 ~ 90 minutes, exclusively, depending on how charitable I'm feeling that day. They don't ask me any questions about me at all. Like, not even one. I ask myself if it's because they're like that on any date with any person, or because they realized at first sight they weren't interested in me, so it doesn't matter to them if they learn…

Consider this:

What if your date finds you attractive already? Could be because of real or perceived popularity or high "status" in you? (I'm guessing you're a man?) And maybe you're ok handsome?

Then, what does it matter what you do during the days?

If you're high status enough already -- what do the reasons for that matter?

And so she'd rather talk about herself and her interests.

When you mentioned you tried a second date, I thought, I bet she'll show up.

(I suppose there are men who date cute women and they (the men) talk only about themselves and cars and soccer. What does it matter what she does during the days? When she's good looking already)

Re: How to be a good listener

#152

Post by nicbou »

southernplaces7 wrote: post #149
nicbou wrote: post #39

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think that it depends. People have an idea of where they want the conversation to go ("I want to talk about my rough breakup") and you should not steer it too hard ("No let's talk about my funny breakup story"). Sometimes people want validation in numbers and it's fine to relate. "Ha! I've been there too. My kid did the same last week. Children am I right?" Sometimes they want to process something by talking about…

Just wanted to mention here, though it may not be the most subject-appropriate place, that i'm fascinated by your website (allaboutBerlin) and wanted to ask you a couple of questions about it. The contact section on your site emphatically states that you're on vacation and not answering emails, so I have to ask, would you mind if I contact you briefly by some means that works for you, at a time/date that you find con…

Go ahead. Just email me. I'll answer you next time I'm on my laptop. It's not problem at all.

Re: How to be a good listener

#154

Post by Gerard0 »

greenie_beans wrote: post #71
Gerard0 wrote: post #31

Does anyone know who is the author? Apart from "Molly Brodak". Is it this[1] person, perhaps? [1] https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Molly_Brodak

i posted this article. molly brodak was a poet. she took her life in 2020. if you enjoyed this, then you might like http://thefanzine.com/how-not-to-apologize/ also, search around for her poem "molly brodak" by molly brodak.

Thank you! Will check it out!

Re: How to be a good listener

#155

Post by krisoft »

zarathustreal wrote: post #136
krisoft wrote: post #70

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> evaluate the content in context, the author is irrelevant But the author is part of that context. Especially with this kind of content where one explains how they think people should behave we can ask the question if the author embodied the guidelines they are talking about, and if so where did it took them. Did they had an enviable life full of things the reader would find valuable?

I disagree. The speaker is not part of the context when evaluating the correctness of a given assertion. This is a fundamental fact, for example when the speaker is unknown. If it helps, in situations where you’re reading something controversial or where you’d be tempted to make unfounded inferences based on the speaker, you can simply pretend that you’ve “discovered” the assertion rather than that someone has said i…

> The speaker is not part of the context when evaluating the correctness of a given assertion.

On a philosophical level this sounds true. On a practical level evaluating correctness has costs.

If you tell me the James Webb Space Telescope detected this and that i won’t launch my own space telescope to verify it. I need to figure out if I trust you as a source. There if you are a crackpot journalist with seemingly no connection to JWST my trust will decrease, at least until i find independent sources.

And that is a hard scientific claim where in theory one can conduct an independent experiment and judge the facts for certain.

The kind of claim this one is on about is much harder to verify. It is of the form “live by these rules and you will have a better life”. There both the interpretation of the “rules” and the “better life” is fuzzy. And even if you get it right in your own experiment it will take years until you see results.

Just on a practical level. Imagine that a thin and sporty person tells you that the secret of them maintaining their healty weight is starting every day by eating two scoops of ice cream. Now imagine that the same statement is said by an obese person. In both cases it takes the same amount of effort to evaluate the correctness of their statement but which case is going to make you want to investigate it more deeply?

Re: How to be a good listener

#156

Post by southernplaces7 »

nicbou wrote: post #152
southernplaces7 wrote: post #149

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Just wanted to mention here, though it may not be the most subject-appropriate place, that i'm fascinated by your website (allaboutBerlin) and wanted to ask you a couple of questions about it. The contact section on your site emphatically states that you're on vacation and not answering emails, so I have to ask, would you mind if I contact you briefly by some means that works for you, at a time/date that you find con…

Go ahead. Just email me. I'll answer you next time I'm on my laptop. It's not problem at all.

Wonderful. Thanks. I'll email you via my protonmail address later today.

Re: How to be a good listener

#157

Post by cutemonster »

xenocratus wrote: post #32
elevaet wrote: post #14

> 5. Don’t relate. I see this recommendation all the time, but I know I do it all the time, and personally I often _like_ it when other people do it to me. Sometimes it's nice to commiserate or share a connection on a similar experience, and maybe even learn from what the other person already went through. Does anyone else question this common piece of advice? Can't relating be useful if it's not being used to steer…

I agree, I've read/heard this quite a few times, I'll continue to do it, apologies to whomever might suffer at my hands/words because of it. I find it a lot easier to empathise with things that I've experienced, and it feels natural to me to share that. It would also console me better if someone "related to me", for example, sharing a few words about a common experience. Given that I don't think I'm too deviant, I'll…

I too like the "sharing a few words about a common experience" approach (without hijacking the conversation). It's nice to know that the other person has better chances to actually understand for real :-)
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