Does anyone know who is the author? Apart from "Molly Brodak".
Is it this[1] person, perhaps?
How to be a good listener
31–40 of 157 posts
Re: How to be a good listener
#32> 5. Don’t relate. I see this recommendation all the time, but I know I do it all the time, and personally I often _like_ it when other people do it to me. Sometimes it's nice to commiserate or share a connection on a similar experience, and maybe even learn from what the other person already went through. Does anyone else question this common piece of advice? Can't relating be useful if it's not being used to steer…
I agree, I've read/heard this quite a few times, I'll continue to do it, apologies to whomever might suffer at my hands/words because of it.
I find it a lot easier to empathise with things that I've experienced, and it feels natural to me to share that. It would also console me better if someone "related to me", for example, sharing a few words about a common experience. Given that I don't think I'm too deviant, I'll assume enough other people would feel the same.
If I know someone else prefers a different approach I am probably able to deploy reason and correct course.
Re: How to be a good listener
#33As someone who went out of their way and studied being a good listener, none of these are wrong, but I don't see it as being the best way of learning how to be a good listener. Reading about how to be a good listener can only get someone so far - watching someone demonstrate it and talking about it is the surest way to understand what it means. Specifically, Reflective listening[1], Clean language[2], and the approac…
On the flip side, if you are too good of a listener, people stop listening to you because they enjoy being listened to. You become the calm person that attracts all the anxious into their lives.
Sometimes, you have to stop holding space for others for them to finally understand that, no it's not ok what they are doing anymore. To help others listen to you, you realize you have to learn to scream, because as the author implies, the world is not good at listening.
"And then, wow, I met the rest of the world."
Re: How to be a good listener
#34> Replace all of the shocking, mean, hateful, incorrect, ignorant, offensive, cruel things coming out of this person’s mouth with “I’m hurt! I’m hurt! I’m hurt! I’m hurt. I’m hurrrrt.”
You're replacing what the person is saying with what you think the person means. Surely if you could just go with what you think they mean, listening would be easy. In fact this sounds like the opposite of listening.
Re: How to be a good listener
#35> What a different world we’d live in if more boys felt safe sharing feelings, in their own way, right from the start. What if it turned out to be a world much worse than what we have? There is perhaps some evolutionary advantage to people that suck it up and carry on?
Could you expand on this argument more? My first reaction was negative ("Why would the world be worse if more people felt safe sharing their feelings??") so I would like to hear more and challenge my assumptions. For my part, I'll point to research that suppressing emotions increases risk of suicide[1] and that many more men die from suicide than women[2]. I'm willing to hear out an argument that the world would be w…
Emotional suppression isn't the same as not sharing your feelings, per the linked article.
I don't think the world would be worse if men started sharing their feelings, but I do believe there are societal factors that force men into stoicism, and that it's not feasible for change to start with men alone.
Re: How to be a good listener
#36As someone who went out of their way and studied being a good listener, none of these are wrong, but I don't see it as being the best way of learning how to be a good listener. Reading about how to be a good listener can only get someone so far - watching someone demonstrate it and talking about it is the surest way to understand what it means. Specifically, Reflective listening[1], Clean language[2], and the approac…
On the flip side, if you are too good of a listener, people stop listening to you because they enjoy being listened to. You become the calm person that attracts all the anxious into their lives. Sometimes, you have to stop holding space for others for them to finally understand that, no it's not ok what they are doing anymore. To help others listen to you, you realize you have to learn to scream, because as the autho…
I got better at listening, and more curious in general. I've met a lot of strangers recently as I am travelling. I sometimes sit with people for hours, learn everything about their lives, and never get to say what I do for a living. Never a single "and you?"
I notice it happening at home too. Sometimes you'll talk with a friend for 30+ minutes, then think "I'm fine too, thanks for asking".
I was lucky to meet good listeners early on and learn from them. I wish more people's first partner told them "you should return the question sometimes".
Re: How to be a good listener
#37Earlier quoted context omitted.
> But according to this article, it seems that those should be disregarded. Depending on the context, yes. You are coming into this from a perspective of "listening to fix" and not "listening to understand" which are two different things. Even if your intent is to help people by listening, you first might want to get the entire picture and understand the entire context. Because if you don't, what change do you really…
In order to listen to fix first you must understand... I mean that the kind of "I hear you", "yes, blabla" seems nice but it is the same thing anyone would tell you. Someone that does not know you maybe would react the same. For me it is better (as in valuable) to get a: "because you fail to see you are doing it wrong? Don't you see that..." or something that tells you why you are being dumb and you should not be sad…
> you just lost your job or did not get the marks you wanted, there is good advice to make people feel better and try to suggest to analyze what went wrong
Your assumption here is that people did something "wrong". This isn't always the case, you certainly can't decide that without actually having listened to them.
Other than that, all I can say is that you seem to be jumping from one extreme end to the other and by doing so missing the important middle ground by a huge margin.
I'd even go as far as saying that you also did that while reading this article. Because it feels like to me that you didn't read it with the intention of understanding it, but the intention to have an opinion on it.
Re: How to be a good listener
#38I went through a yearlong coaching program and one of the modules was learning how to listen. Imagine a friend tells you about a situation where their dad is starting to show signs of dementia and the strain it's putting on them as a caretaker. Level 1 listening (you're focused on yourself): - "Oh my dad had dementia, too. It's awful." Level 2 listening (you're focused on them, but parroting): - "caring for a parent…
I'd be a little freaked out if someone responded with that "level 3" response...
Re: How to be a good listener
#39> 5. Don’t relate. I see this recommendation all the time, but I know I do it all the time, and personally I often _like_ it when other people do it to me. Sometimes it's nice to commiserate or share a connection on a similar experience, and maybe even learn from what the other person already went through. Does anyone else question this common piece of advice? Can't relating be useful if it's not being used to steer…
I think that it depends. People have an idea of where they want the conversation to go ("I want to talk about my rough breakup") and you should not steer it too hard ("No let's talk about my funny breakup story").
Sometimes people want validation in numbers and it's fine to relate. "Ha! I've been there too. My kid did the same last week. Children am I right?"
Sometimes they want to process something by talking about it and you should let it happen. "Oh man that must suck. How did it play out?"
Besides, relating can feel like one-upping. For example someone tells you about their trip to Paris and you mention how you've stopped there on your unicycle trip around the world. Oh well guess their trip is nothing to celebrate then. Use your experience to relate to their feelings, not to diminish them.
Usually, you can relate while keeping your anecdote to yourself. "Oh it's a beautiful city isn't it? How did you like it?"
Re: How to be a good listener
#40Earlier quoted context omitted.
> But according to this article, it seems that those should be disregarded. Depending on the context, yes. You are coming into this from a perspective of "listening to fix" and not "listening to understand" which are two different things. Even if your intent is to help people by listening, you first might want to get the entire picture and understand the entire context. Because if you don't, what change do you really…
In order to listen to fix first you must understand... I mean that the kind of "I hear you", "yes, blabla" seems nice but it is the same thing anyone would tell you. Someone that does not know you maybe would react the same. For me it is better (as in valuable) to get a: "because you fail to see you are doing it wrong? Don't you see that..." or something that tells you why you are being dumb and you should not be sad…
> In order to listen to fix first you must understand...
You're missing the point - it's about whether you should "listen to fix" at all. In my experience, when most people are "sharing", they don't want you to solve their problems - chances are they know everything you're about to say anyway - and if they did, they'll more specifically ask for your help
What people want is just someone to listen, to feel heard. This relates to the oft-repeated advice of not trying to solve your partner's daily problems, but just to respond with "That sucks". It's also why responding with your own experiences all the time doesn't make you a great listener
> which does not help except to make that person feel better at that very moment and nothing else.
Not sure why you're implying this is some sort of bad thing.