141–150 of 157 posts
Earlier quoted context omitted.
That's level 1, making it about yourself :)
How is it? It's a direct help.
If you told me "ugh today was a really hard day at work" and I said "why don't you quit? then you wouldn't have hard days at work anymore!" would you feel heard?
Earlier quoted context omitted.
Excuse me if I read that wrong, but I'd be curious why you think label "talking at" vs "talking with" is semantics. I see a significant difference between the distribution of behaviors and utterances when I'm "talking at" vs "talking with". There's also a significant difference in response I seem to receive from people when I employ one distribution of behaviors vs the other. But, maybe you see it differently?
I was trying to compliment you! When you talk about your friend, about what you might ask him, and what he might answer, I think you have insight there. I think that's valuable. And I should have stopped there. But I went on to try to make a point about the quick mental model you proposed about "talking at" vs "talking with". Which I think leads to arguing about semantics (with others or yourself). What you're saying…
Earlier quoted context omitted.
Level 4 is noticing the same things as 3 but not calling attention to it so conspicuously and presumptuously.
That would still be listening level 1. If you're asking questions and worried about how it makes you look, that's focusing on yourself. My examples don't come across good via text; I would edit more fleshed out ones if I could. But in any context, if you're focused on yourself, you're not listening.
Earlier quoted context omitted.
On the flip side, if you are too good of a listener, people stop listening to you because they enjoy being listened to. You become the calm person that attracts all the anxious into their lives. Sometimes, you have to stop holding space for others for them to finally understand that, no it's not ok what they are doing anymore. To help others listen to you, you realize you have to learn to scream, because as the autho…
I have also found that instead of screaming, staying silent is a very powerful technique. If someone is spewing nonsense or making personal attacks, I sometimes just "hm mm" to confirm I heard them, and then stay silent. Nine out of ten times they will backtrack immediately.
Earlier quoted context omitted.
This is about setting boundaries - being a good listener only when you are comfortable doing so.
Great point! I have a tendency toward co-dependency so understanding that being needed is different than internal validation is important. Being choosy about when and with whom one is listening is crucial. Burnout is real and always listening is a fast track to it. Anyone, including the listener, can tap the breaks and slow or stop things if they need to for any reason at all.
Earlier quoted context omitted.
On the flip side, if you are too good of a listener, people stop listening to you because they enjoy being listened to. You become the calm person that attracts all the anxious into their lives. Sometimes, you have to stop holding space for others for them to finally understand that, no it's not ok what they are doing anymore. To help others listen to you, you realize you have to learn to scream, because as the autho…
I got better at listening, and more curious in general. I've met a lot of strangers recently as I am travelling. I sometimes sit with people for hours, learn everything about their lives, and never get to say what I do for a living. Never a single "and you?" I notice it happening at home too. Sometimes you'll talk with a friend for 30+ minutes, then think "I'm fine too, thanks for asking". I was lucky to meet good li…
Earlier quoted context omitted.
True, they might know, but a push is probably what they need. Listening is disjoint from giving advice. In fact you need to first listen to be able to give advice. And yes, some people just want to be listened. I am not against it as such I usually talk actionable stuff more than not actually but I understand that some people might not be like me. Yes, my last quote there means that making someone feel just better fo…
In my experience, the younger generations deal with their problems a lot more productively than the older generations.
I also see, if you are american, at least from my perception (I could be wrong!), that many attitudes from the younger generations are the result of overprotection.
Something I do not see in Asia to the level I see in developed countries in the westerner countries.
Earlier quoted context omitted.
On the flip side, if you are too good of a listener, people stop listening to you because they enjoy being listened to. You become the calm person that attracts all the anxious into their lives. Sometimes, you have to stop holding space for others for them to finally understand that, no it's not ok what they are doing anymore. To help others listen to you, you realize you have to learn to scream, because as the autho…
I feel like i've been in this space for a few years. I have some close friends, who I really like. But I realized that its almost all them opening themselves up to me. When I am struggling myself I find it really hard to open up and talk about what I want to talk about. I think some of it is something I can improve on myself though
> 5. Don’t relate. I see this recommendation all the time, but I know I do it all the time, and personally I often _like_ it when other people do it to me. Sometimes it's nice to commiserate or share a connection on a similar experience, and maybe even learn from what the other person already went through. Does anyone else question this common piece of advice? Can't relating be useful if it's not being used to steer…
I think that it depends. People have an idea of where they want the conversation to go ("I want to talk about my rough breakup") and you should not steer it too hard ("No let's talk about my funny breakup story"). Sometimes people want validation in numbers and it's fine to relate. "Ha! I've been there too. My kid did the same last week. Children am I right?" Sometimes they want to process something by talking about…
The contact section on your site emphatically states that you're on vacation and not answering emails, so I have to ask, would you mind if I contact you briefly by some means that works for you, at a time/date that you find convenient? I promise to be brief and not to release a flood of correspondence verbiage. Also, in case I might be giving the impression, this is not a sales pitch of any kind. Thanks!