71–80 of 157 posts
Does anyone know who is the author? Apart from "Molly Brodak". Is it this[1] person, perhaps? [1] https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Molly_Brodak
if you enjoyed this, then you might like http://thefanzine.com/how-not-to-apologize/
also, search around for her poem "molly brodak" by molly brodak.
Does anyone know who is the author? Apart from "Molly Brodak". Is it this[1] person, perhaps? [1] https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Molly_Brodak
Yeah, it's her. This piece is linked from her blog at: https://sibilantfricative.wordpress.com/ First paragraph of the OP and I knew in my bones it was written by someone with a personality disorder. Since her death, her husband published his memoir in 2023. The serial cheating, open suicide ideation, unresolved childhood trauma and general toxicity to herself and others is completely consistent with the tone of the…
Earlier quoted context omitted.
On the flip side, if you are too good of a listener, people stop listening to you because they enjoy being listened to. You become the calm person that attracts all the anxious into their lives. Sometimes, you have to stop holding space for others for them to finally understand that, no it's not ok what they are doing anymore. To help others listen to you, you realize you have to learn to scream, because as the autho…
I got better at listening, and more curious in general. I've met a lot of strangers recently as I am travelling. I sometimes sit with people for hours, learn everything about their lives, and never get to say what I do for a living. Never a single "and you?" I notice it happening at home too. Sometimes you'll talk with a friend for 30+ minutes, then think "I'm fine too, thanks for asking". I was lucky to meet good li…
They don't ask me any questions about me at all. Like, not even one.
I ask myself if it's because they're like that on any date with any person, or because they realized at first sight they weren't interested in me, so it doesn't matter to them if they learn anything at all about me during the date, since they don't expect to see me again either way.
Sometimes I've tested this by doing a second date. They show up and talk about themselves non-stop.
But then I ask myself the same question as before.
Is it possible many otherwise neurotypical people can get into their 30s and 40s without ever having learned how to carry on a two-way conversation?
I'm no expert on listening, but I think do have a sense of when I personally feel heard. I don't agree with this piece at all, and I don't like the vibe of the author. The very first paragraph has a narcissism in it that rubs me the wrong way. Like the whole world let her down for not centering her in conversations the way her therapist caretaker did. > Some simple and powerful phrases to use when someone is feeling…
I agree with you completely. The more I think about the article, the more I wonder - why would such ridiculous thing be voted up on HN? How to listen to someone: if someone is angry, don't listen to him at all and just imagine that he says he's hurt. Sorry, but that's just idiotic.
??????????????????
How is this not toxic? If I'm talking to someone I want to know what they think.
> 5. Don’t relate. I see this recommendation all the time, but I know I do it all the time, and personally I often _like_ it when other people do it to me. Sometimes it's nice to commiserate or share a connection on a similar experience, and maybe even learn from what the other person already went through. Does anyone else question this common piece of advice? Can't relating be useful if it's not being used to steer…
If we feel something while listening to those types of conversation, experiencing a physiological emotionally-driven output, we can "relate" to the feeling through things that have happened to us personally. We may want to say, "I felt that before!" by explaining why, but it's likely enough to just say, "I feel" without changing the subject to our own personal experience.
Empathy, which is what many types of listening is about, is a whole other factor in good listening skills. If we simply note we understand the emotional output, that's not real empathy. It takes understanding it, feeling it in body, and then maybe taking a compassionate action to really hear and feel someone.
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>worded in their own language Would you (or someone else that's knowledgable) be so kind to share your approach to doing this? I find this to be hardest thing to do in the moment without feeling like a manipulative sociopath.
Well, yeah. It is manipulation. It's at best benevolent manipulation but that's what it is. That's what most human interaction is, though.
In this context, wouldn't manipulation be where you don't listen then say some words which try to (falsely) communicate that you did listen?
(Contrast: not listening, and showing that with "I ain't reading all that. I'm happy for u tho. Or sorry that happened". Contrast: actually did listen but they think you didn't, leading to "I'm so angry about X!" / "How come X is bothering you?" / "I am not bothered by it, I am angry about it!, weren't you listening?!" poor communication. Where "what about X is making you angry?" instead reflects the feelings they said, showing you heard what they said, but does not seem manipulative).
Earlier quoted context omitted.
Yeah, it's her. This piece is linked from her blog at: https://sibilantfricative.wordpress.com/ First paragraph of the OP and I knew in my bones it was written by someone with a personality disorder. Since her death, her husband published his memoir in 2023. The serial cheating, open suicide ideation, unresolved childhood trauma and general toxicity to herself and others is completely consistent with the tone of the…
that's the exact opposite of my takeaway from the memoir. that book was written with intense love and i encourage anybody to read it, one of the best books to come out in a decade.
> 5. Don’t relate. I see this recommendation all the time, but I know I do it all the time, and personally I often _like_ it when other people do it to me. Sometimes it's nice to commiserate or share a connection on a similar experience, and maybe even learn from what the other person already went through. Does anyone else question this common piece of advice? Can't relating be useful if it's not being used to steer…
If a person is debating a decision, there’s no need to stress out about what advice to give him or her. Forget what you know. And don’t talk about your experience unless the person is specifically asking for it in hoping to learn from you (see #5). The person already knows the answer or the best solution—or at least, has a preference. All you have to do here is just repeat what he’s saying back to him. ??????????????…
If they have, then you should be careful to consider their position regarding this decision.
But if they haven't actually asked, then probably best to not advise which decision to make. I would think that trying to help _them_ make the decision would be a good thing to do, though.