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Losing my son

fortressofdoors.com

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Re: Losing my son

#191

Post by sambeau »

So beautifully put.

When I lost my son, I found comfort in two thoughts—

  - A big life can be very short
  - "Why NOT me?"
Grief is an illness that can only be cured by time. Your wounds heal over, but never completely fade. You gradually pack it away in a little box alongside a few physical things—small clothes, toys, photos—and try not to open it too often in case you let it all spill out, or the smells to fade. Every now and then, someone knocks the box without realising and your grief tumbles onto the floor. It can take days to fit it all back in.

Re: Losing my son

#192

Post by ineedasername »

Based on the title simply can’t read this with kids of my own that I fear for daily. I have it an upvote because I believe it’s well deserving of attention but I just… can’t… read it myself. Whatever the circumstances I am very sorry for what you have had to go through.

Re: Losing my son

#193

Post by devjab »

appplication wrote: post #71

The Buddhists were right about something. Life is suffering. I gotta stop writing here before I get too nihilistic. The posted article and some of the stories here are tragic. I wish I had something better to say.

I always found it interesting how many western religions and their followers maintain their faith in a “good” God, even in the face of terrible personal tragedy. I’m happy that people do, since it seems to help them and anything that does that is great.

I’m personally more beholden to the Warhammer (yes, out of anything…) quote: “it was the moment I began to believe, God was real, and He hated us.”.

Re: Losing my son

#194

Post by wegfawefgawefg »

malteof wrote: post #132
appplication wrote: post #71

The Buddhists were right about something. Life is suffering. I gotta stop writing here before I get too nihilistic. The posted article and some of the stories here are tragic. I wish I had something better to say.

Well, the Buddhists are more optimistic than that! They have lots of techniques and ways of thinking to reduce suffering. I recommend reading up on their life philosophy, they’re far from nihilists.

The absense of the need for optimism is not the same as optimism.

Re: Losing my son

#195

Post by AnimalMuppet »

devjab wrote: post #193
appplication wrote: post #71

The Buddhists were right about something. Life is suffering. I gotta stop writing here before I get too nihilistic. The posted article and some of the stories here are tragic. I wish I had something better to say.

I always found it interesting how many western religions and their followers maintain their faith in a “good” God, even in the face of terrible personal tragedy. I’m happy that people do, since it seems to help them and anything that does that is great. I’m personally more beholden to the Warhammer (yes, out of anything…) quote: “it was the moment I began to believe, God was real, and He hated us.”.

If you accept the Christian view of God, then that God knows what it is to lose a son. He knows firsthand what he's costing you when he allows it to happen to you.

You may question his wisdom if you want. You may question his reasons for allowing it. But at least he's taken his own medicine.

Re: Losing my son

#196

Post by taopai »

pattesseriedude wrote: post #171
taopai wrote: post #138

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I can't give medical advice, so I'll give none. A user recommended the use of psychedelics, I wouldn't. But try investigating recent literature regarding to MDMA and assisted therapy (with a professional) to treat and manage PTSD. If you are able to find a professional who is up to it, it could be something to consider. Is not a magic pill, but it can catalyze great results provided it's deeply integrated in therapy.

Escitalopram Oxalate This worked for me actually with CBT for some time now as quality of life was certainly better. But it had side effects like feeling emotionally numb and lack of sexual desire. Though I haven’t ever even kissed a girl at 31 I thought that would be relevant in the future for any relationship as I tried dating a bit year ago and I felt emotionally very distant and cold for whatever reason. It’s a c…

Great to hear this.

> But it had side effects like feeling emotionally numb and lack of sexual desire Lot's of friends who are in Sertraline has this adverse effect.

> Though I haven’t ever even kissed a girl at 31 I don't know how successful you are at dating but even so I'll recommend you "The Book of Pook" and "Anti Dump's Machine". Are two funny books you can find online for free. Don't buy them because they are recollection of blog posts from sosuave. They helped me mature in that aspect and give some good advice.

> I will keep an eye for it and talk to my therapist to see if he can refer me to a clinic who can help me in a controlled environment.

Sounds great. Also be cautious, you shouldn't take MDMA while on a SSRI like Escitalopram.

> Thanks for your help.

You are welcome, no problem, it's glad to hear I helped in some way. :)

Re: Losing my son

#197

Post by javajosh »

An important post to remind us that most of our trials are of the lesser kind.

>The best metaphor I can give for the daily home hospice care of your own seven year old son is a monastic vocation

His son is seven. In hospice care. There are no words, because as the author says: it is unfathomable. He writes with such care and precision and grace. It's an amazing act of charity he does for us all.

Re: Losing my son

#198

Post by prometheus76 »

totetsu wrote: post #163
HlessClaudesman wrote: post #127

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Hey Lars. Thanks for sharing your story, so many of us are in a similar situations but dealing with it in isolation. After more than a decade of being a carer I can offer you the following: Take care of yourself and your partner. Get some outside help if you can so you can take some breaks. Find things that bring you joy, treat yourself. Try and help your daughters process things and come away better people for the e…

> Find some things in your life to be grateful for and dwell on them, it is impossible to feel sorrow and gratitude at the same time. Any advice on how to do this one. Recently I have been Noticing how no matter how many Good things I do in a year once they’re over they don’t really bring positive feelings the same way that the bad things pop up and make them selves dwelled upon.

I hope this doesn't sound overly simplistic, but it has changed my life. I have struggled with anxiety and depression for most of my life. A couple of years ago, a therapist said, "Have you tried thinking of something else?" when I was explaining running through anxiety-inducing scenarios in my head.

So now when something that causes anxiety or dread starts to show up in my head, I immediately say "I don't want to think about that" and I say a little prayer. Sometimes, I keep repeating the prayer to keep my mind occupied on something besides dread.

Re: Losing my son

#199

Post by pneumic »

larsiusprime wrote: post #48

I have to say I'm really humbled to suddenly see this on the front page. Today was a particularly hard day; I won't go into details but taking care of a permanently disabled invalid involves a lot of ups and downs and some fairly messy manual labor to keep them comfortable and in good shape. I love you all. Hug your kids if you have em. EDIT: The above blog post here was one of three things I wrote in the immediate a…

I couldn't bear to finish reading your story, for which I apologize. Our son is physically and developmentally disabled and though not at all near the level of yours, he will probably require assistance for the rest of his life. I will think about your family and story often, and may God keep you all, especially your beautiful little boy.

Re: Losing my son

#200

Post by WizardClickBoy »

dartharva wrote: post #150
WizardClickBoy wrote: post #78

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Telling victims of trauma that they are "allowing something external to defeat you daily" comes perilously close to blaming the victim, doesn't it?

But.. what else can you even say? The alternative is remaining in misery for the rest of your life. And internalising your pain into a characteristic of your personality is among the worst ways to process it.

I feel like there's a misunderstanding here of there being a choice for victims of complex trauma to make between "suffering" and "coping". It is not as binary as this and I know people to whom this advice would be not only unhelpful but actively destructive.

> What else can you even say?

Try: nothing.

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