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Losing my son

fortressofdoors.com

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Re: Losing my son

#161

Post by Affric »

mise_en_place wrote: post #49

The cruelest thing of all is that, technically speaking, his son is still alive. I’d imagine this to be far more torturous. I have lost many close family members, but they all lost their biological lives. This just seems to be one of the worst experiences you could go through.

When your loved one is a continuing biological entity but you will never again experience them as they were… to me it was like all the magic left the world and consciousness/humanity was revealed to be just an illusion.

And, as Lars has written, there are many multipliers in the individual cases. Unfathomable indeed.

Re: Losing my son

#162

Post by verinus »

exit wrote: post #114

[flagged]

and I find your judgement on this quite disturbing, even arrogant.

there is a reason nearly all religions take a stance against killing, even killing yourself!

and for me it starts with: who am I to judge somebody should rather be dead than alive? do you REALLY know?

Re: Losing my son

#163

Post by totetsu »

HlessClaudesman wrote: post #127
larsiusprime wrote: post #48

I have to say I'm really humbled to suddenly see this on the front page. Today was a particularly hard day; I won't go into details but taking care of a permanently disabled invalid involves a lot of ups and downs and some fairly messy manual labor to keep them comfortable and in good shape. I love you all. Hug your kids if you have em. EDIT: The above blog post here was one of three things I wrote in the immediate a…

Hey Lars. Thanks for sharing your story, so many of us are in a similar situations but dealing with it in isolation. After more than a decade of being a carer I can offer you the following: Take care of yourself and your partner. Get some outside help if you can so you can take some breaks. Find things that bring you joy, treat yourself. Try and help your daughters process things and come away better people for the e…

> Find some things in your life to be grateful for and dwell on them, it is impossible to feel sorrow and gratitude at the same time.

Any advice on how to do this one. Recently I have been Noticing how no matter how many Good things I do in a year once they’re over they don’t really bring positive feelings the same way that the bad things pop up and make them selves dwelled upon.

Re: Losing my son

#164

Post by victor106 »

I am truly sorry for your loss. Pray that you continue to stay strong. I went through the same situation about a decade ago with a close friend of mine and it's truly the hardest of times.

> Fortunately, we have been able to qualify for public medical assistance in this regard and it looks like we are going to be financially okay for the time being

I know this is off topic but I want to call out how important public medical assistance is. Healthcare costs can truly wreck families and anyone who thinks that the government does not have a role providing healthcare assistance needs to think again.

Re: Losing my son

#165

Post by Narciss »

Thank you for sharing your story. I remember when I lost my father while very young and the lack of it being “hard”, while being a lot of other things. You verbalized that experience very well.

Wish you the best.

Re: Losing my son

#166

Post by smeej »

HlessClaudesman wrote: post #127
larsiusprime wrote: post #48

I have to say I'm really humbled to suddenly see this on the front page. Today was a particularly hard day; I won't go into details but taking care of a permanently disabled invalid involves a lot of ups and downs and some fairly messy manual labor to keep them comfortable and in good shape. I love you all. Hug your kids if you have em. EDIT: The above blog post here was one of three things I wrote in the immediate a…

Hey Lars. Thanks for sharing your story, so many of us are in a similar situations but dealing with it in isolation. After more than a decade of being a carer I can offer you the following: Take care of yourself and your partner. Get some outside help if you can so you can take some breaks. Find things that bring you joy, treat yourself. Try and help your daughters process things and come away better people for the e…

> it is impossible to feel sorrow and gratitude at the same time.

This is very much the opposite of my experience. Being grateful even for the losses that have brought the most sorrow, the two things at the very same time, has ripped me apart, but it's also been the only way through.

ETA: I say this not to contradict you or deny your experience. I say it in case other people are thinking their experience might need to include both, so they're encouraged to realize that, for some people, it's not impossible, but necessary.

Re: Losing my son

#167

Post by Affric »

I am finding it hard to find the right words to express this so please forgive me if this comes off as insensitive.

That was a very touching piece that gave me a sense of that unfathomability Lars wrote of.

Re: Losing my son

#168

Post by pattesseriedude »

seoulmetro wrote: post #84
jacquesm wrote: post #73

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Much, much easier said than done.

All hard things worth doing are. What's your point? Don't do anything worth doing because it's hard? I have both said and done. It's better for you than integrating the trauma into your personality and by extension your life.

> integrating the trauma into your personality and by extension your life.

You were not wrong here and to be honest 9 hours later I feel ashamed to have made the original comment and no disrespect to the author obviously.

I’ve been having a few bad days lately and what the author and his family are going through took me back to a time when I thought could relate not as the author but someone as a family member who was affected.

I should have been more empathetic rather than making the comment about me (although I was trying not to).

I tend to not do this as therapy is working for me mostly, but times like these it brings back emotions that you cannot control.

Re: Losing my son

#169

Post by abdulhaq »

WizardClickBoy wrote: post #78
seoulmetro wrote: post #59

[flagged]

Telling victims of trauma that they are "allowing something external to defeat you daily" comes perilously close to blaming the victim, doesn't it?

No, because you're teaching someone how to frame their problem so that they can start to work their way out of it. No blaming is taking place.

Re: Losing my son

#170

Post by HlessClaudesman »

totetsu wrote: post #163
HlessClaudesman wrote: post #127

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Hey Lars. Thanks for sharing your story, so many of us are in a similar situations but dealing with it in isolation. After more than a decade of being a carer I can offer you the following: Take care of yourself and your partner. Get some outside help if you can so you can take some breaks. Find things that bring you joy, treat yourself. Try and help your daughters process things and come away better people for the e…

> Find some things in your life to be grateful for and dwell on them, it is impossible to feel sorrow and gratitude at the same time. Any advice on how to do this one. Recently I have been Noticing how no matter how many Good things I do in a year once they’re over they don’t really bring positive feelings the same way that the bad things pop up and make them selves dwelled upon.

I struggle with it too. Remind yourself that bad feelings are like storms, they will soon pass.
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