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How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?

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Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?

#171

Post by solumunus »

ToucanLoucan wrote: post #138
solumunus wrote: post #86

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I totally get your perspective but what I don’t understand is these two other individuals. Are they actually happy being second best? Do they know/think they’re second best? Possibly you’re going to tell me they’re not second best and the love is equal? I think all of you have a preference and equality is impossible, but I’m willing to hear that position out. I’m sure it’s fun, my feeling is that these situations are…

> Are they actually happy being second best? Do they know/think they’re second best? Possibly you’re going to tell me they’re not second best and the love is equal? I think all of you have a preference and equality is impossible, but I’m willing to hear that position out. I mean they're "second best" with regard to the law, which is unfortunate but there really isn't any legal mechanisms where we live for multi-partn…

Thanks for the lengthy response. It is something I would consider trying but there is no way my partner ever would!

Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?

#172

Post by raldi »

ryandrake wrote: post #18
irrational wrote: post #5

I’m convinced this is the next big legal/political marriage change after gay marriage. Though, this one might be a bit harder for developers. I imagine most government databases are setup to assume a 1-to-1 marriage relationship rather than a many-to-many relationship.

There will be plenty of time to fix the code. Like most social change, it will be politicized, fought against bitterly by the usual suspects, and the battle will drag on until enough of the detractors die of old age so that finally another piece of society can move on. We'll have entirely different databases by the time the 1:1 mappings have to be fixed.

I’m reminded of Steve Yegge in 2009 saying, “Everyone these days, when debating the merits and demerits of marijuana legalization, seems to have completely overlooked the fact that it's HARD. It's a project of vast, nearly unimaginable complexity.”

http://steve-yegge.blogspot.com/2009/04/have-you-ever-legali...

Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?

#173

Post by Gys »

A lot of disbelieve in the comments if polyamory even exists for real. However, I know a long time married (+/- 30y) couple where the wife has a second partner. Her husband knows and approves. They are very good friends of us.

At the beginning (+/- 15y ago) it was hard on the husband, the alternative basically was to divorce. But he loves her and stayed. She also loves him very much, but she missed something more spiritual in their relation. She now is mainly with her husband, only not on Fridays (although all very flexible). The couple has no children themselves but the other partner has three. The husband and the other partner know each other and occasionally meet on Birthdays and such. We also meet up with her and the other partner.

As a side note, the wife is writing a book on her own life. My own wife did some proof reading and she says it is beautifully written (my wife reads many, many books). Hopefully she can get it published.

Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?

#174

Post by marojejian »

superb-owl wrote: post #71

Aella has collected some great stats on polyamory https://aella.substack.com/p/polyamory-vs-monogamy-how-relat...

Interesting! if this is to be believed, it seems to support the thesis that polyamory results in older men dating younger women vs. monogamy.

Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?

#175

Post by chownie »

slibhb wrote: post #58

The article hints throughout that polyamory is just for the rich. I don't have the data but it's not clear to me that the rich are having more non-monogamous sex than the poor. As far as the concept itself goes, I don't think it's possible to divorce possessiveness from sex. I'm suspicious of people who claim to have conquered jealously. And then there's children. It's hard for me to see how polyamory won't be a disa…

> As far as the concept itself goes, I don't think it's possible to divorce possessiveness from sex. I'm suspicious of people who claim to have conquered jealously.

It depends on what you mean by "jealousy", because that term wraps a bunch of disparate ideas, especially given the modern use encompasses envy too. Possessiveness and jealousy are not the same, and jealousy and envy are not the same either.

Here's a few different scenarios:

1. My partner sleeps with someone else and this upsets me because I want to sleep with my partner

2. My partner sleeps with someone else and this upsets me because I'm afraid this other person will take my partner

3. My partner sleeps with someone else and this upsets me because I want to sleep with other people

4. My partner sleeps with someone else and this upsets me because I wish I was like the other person

All of these scenarios are labelled jealousy, but they're for the most part built from feelings with different motivations.

I've been in a long-ish poly relationship since 2015 and since then I've discovered I don't experience jealousy or possessiveness in the classical expression, I'm actually pretty excited when my partners sleep together. Scenario 1 and 2 haven't ever happened for me, I'm either very secure in my feelings around my relationship or that emotional response isn't in my nature.

I do experience 3 and 4 but I'd definitely call that a split on envy/FOMO rather than jealousy.

Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?

#176

Post by ferbivore »

chownie wrote: post #154
ferbivore wrote: post #126

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You can't just choose not to feel a certain way. It's quite difficult, and often a bad idea besides. Feelings aren't meaningless noise. We might have different ideas of security. If you don't value monogamy anyway, maybe your security isn't threatened much by your partner deciding you aren't good enough for it.

> If you don't value monogamy anyway, maybe your security isn't threatened much by your partner deciding you aren't good enough for it. I wrote a comment 3 times trying to steel man this but it still reads like horribly bitter snark rather than an earnest pov. People who enter poly relationships are not doing so because they value their partners less. In a relationship between more than two people their communication…

You claim in your other comments to not experience jealousy. This is the same as not valuing monogamy. That’s completely fine, but it means my comments aren’t for you. They’re for people like me, who don’t have your gift, but are perhaps vulnerable to being convinced by others that they do. There’s no reason to feel insulted or to insult me in turn; my honest feelings as a human being are not bitter snark, thanks.

Talking about people who mutually decide to engage in polyamory is off-topic for this particular thread. Quinzel’s scenario is someone in a monogamous relationship deciding to seek out new partners.

Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?

#177

Post by chownie »

ferbivore wrote: post #176
chownie wrote: post #154

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> If you don't value monogamy anyway, maybe your security isn't threatened much by your partner deciding you aren't good enough for it. I wrote a comment 3 times trying to steel man this but it still reads like horribly bitter snark rather than an earnest pov. People who enter poly relationships are not doing so because they value their partners less. In a relationship between more than two people their communication…

You claim in your other comments to not experience jealousy. This is the same as not valuing monogamy. That’s completely fine, but it means my comments aren’t for you. They’re for people like me, who don’t have your gift, but are perhaps vulnerable to being convinced by others that they do. There’s no reason to feel insulted or to insult me in turn; my honest feelings as a human being are not bitter snark, thanks. Ta…

> There’s no reason to feel insulted or to insult me in turn; my honest feelings as a human being are not bitter snark, thanks.

These may be your sincere feelings, I've also absolutely got the right to feel insulted by the way you've chosen to express them. It's mean spirited to vent in such a way that you catch other people in the crossfire when you're airing your personal dislikes.

Saying that people with polyamoristic proclivities seek out other people because their partner "isn't good enough for monogamy" is an offensive mischaracterizastion of the kind of relationship I've been in for half a decade.

Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?

#178

Post by stt2422 »

joegibbs wrote: post #16

Is it really that popular? I've never met a single polyamorous person in my entire life, they just seem very vocal on the internet.

Fwiw,I live in the Boston area, and I think I can count the number of monogamous people I know, who aren't my family, on my fingers. I was talking to a friend recently about how few people in our social circles are monogamous, and named the two monogamous couples I've been socializing with them most over the last year, and she informed me that she had been dated one person in each of those couples in the last 6 months. As it turned out I assumed they were monogamous because they are more of my idea of a traditional monogamous couple when ove hung out with them, but they both date and play with other people.

Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?

#180

Post by stjuma »

hnthrowaway6543 wrote: post #57

> How Did Polyamory Become So Popular? Housing prices. Seriously. Polyamory is on the rise, and divorces are at a 50-year low[0]. This isn't a coincidence. Where a couple would have divorced in the past, it now is financially infeasible in many cases. Living with a partner you're no longer compatible sucks, but not being able to afford rent sucks worse. So couples are pulling out all the stops to be not-divorced, inc…

Also childless families. Without children a marriage has very little value. You can experiment as much as you like and the only risk is to what? Loose your appartment? It’s not even remotely comparable to the drama of the divorce with kids
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