Coding Is Hard

>I forget how something was setup in some section of some file, and write code in another file and it just breaks the entire logic. I feel frustrated that I cannot upload and maintain the entire logical map of even this very small and simple codebase in my mind.

This is a sign of technology with insufficient abstraction. Computation has largely been built on the shoulders of giants with a "You shouldn't need to know" mentality.

Think of code in abstract "bits" of information (not necessarily in the data/ram/storage sense)...

The more bits of information from seemingly unrelated sources that you must retain, the worse the codebase is. In the worst case editing 1 bit of source code flips 50% of the remaining bits, ie perfect obfuscation.

In a perfect code base, changing a bit would flip no other bits (say in other packages), because all of the change would be perfectly contained.

There is a pragmatic balance due to timelines, brevity, reaching perfect abstraction might itself be more complex than an "imperfect" implementation, and the sheer ingenuity of it might challenge or exceed some of our IQs (certainly mine).

I'm mostly just riffing off the title but, as a programmer of 45 years I do often find programming hard or programming related things hard

Recent experience, trying to get any deep learning to run on my machine. Instructions all over the place about installing python, conda, making a virtual environment, installing certain libraries and when I finally get to the "run" command it doesn't work.

Similarly using many new libraries/frameworks, getting stuck on some detail and having to spend 20, 40, 60, 120 minutes trying to find a solution. This happened a lot, and still does, getting up to speed with TypeScript, not knowing how to express the types needed for some complex thing and not knowing how to even ask the question to get an answer. Posting on S.O. will just get closed but I don't necessarily know how to search for the answer. Recently I even tried asking ChatGPT but it failed too.

That said, I also understand, that there are many concepts I intuitively know that someone like the OP does not and that it's very hard to remember what it was like to not understand it. Pointers, pass by value, pass by reference, maps, stacks, race conditions, promises, file manipulation, memory, binary, hex, various math and solutions. Getting to the point that all of those things and more are 2nd nature is basically spending time coding for years just like becoming a good guitar player is spending time practicing for years

Absolutely. There are very few 100% self-taught experts in ANY field. Teachers and mentors are critical in helping you focus your efforts and prevent you from spinning your wheels.

To OP: if pride is the only thing stopping you from dropping programming then that's a personal character development milestone for you. It does not come easy for many of us to admit that we cannot win all the battles. Been there, can relate, at the same time I'd advise you (over a beer) to shift your perspective towards the limited time you have on this Earth and to pick your battles and fight only those where you feel strong and on your own turf. Super long discussion though, one reserved for your closest circle of relatives and friends.

But, if you do decide to keep at programming:

1. Pick a much stricter language, with a strong static typing system -- like Rust. It might be too difficult and frustrating though, and I'd understand if it's a bridge too far. It that's indeed the case then pick Golang, it's a good compromise between productivity and strictness.

2. Write more tests. And I mean much more tests. From your article, you seem to have the problem of rushing too much and never stopping and establishing a solid ground before proceeding. Writing tests guaranteeing that what you wrote before will keep working will keep you in check and help you stop and think harder on how to fix the current problem.

I might be misreading your post, but you seem to be impatient. One more thing I completely relate to but it won't ever get you anywhere, sadly. Work hard on breaking down your tasks into smaller chunks and crossing them out as you progress -- works wonders for motivation.

Good luck.

Yea that's fair

But I wouldn't describe it as a feeling of absolute agency. More like pressure-induced minor chaos