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Stop making every conversation about yourself

thoguhts.substack.com

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Re: Stop making every conversation about yourself

#21

Post by seszett »

uxp100 wrote: post #11
JR1427 wrote: post #8

Click on article. Discover I have to sign in to read. No thanks.

Are you sure, or is just the typical substack popover with the continue reading button? (It isn’t really worth going back for, very short with basically no content)

The popover does seem to require entering an email address before clicking on "continue reading".

It actually doesn't, but it's not obvious and although this time I did click on the right button, I know there are at least a few times where I've just closed the tab because I thought I had to register or give an email address or whatever.

Re: Stop making every conversation about yourself

#22

Post by rockbruno »

There is a balance to this. If you always only listen to others and never speak about yourself, you fail to build connections with them (because they know nothing about you). I had the opposite problem, I made every conversation about them and had to learn to change that in order to be able to make friends.

Re: Stop making every conversation about yourself

#25

Post by andirk »

A dating advice, for a guy, is "70/30"; Let her speak 70%, you speak 30%. People really like to share their own knowledge because that is their comfort zone, especially about themself.

When I throw a few cocktails back, I can get too comfortable with ranting, so I try to stfu every couple minutes to let others take the reins just in case I'm being overzealous (which is also embarrassing).

Re: Stop making every conversation about yourself

#26

Post by slowhadoken »

Worse than that are people that turn a subject into an opportunity to talk about themself. It’s always the clue I’m talking to a narcissist. They’re always offended, demanding answers, rephrasing what you’ve said, attracting negative attention and blaming you for it.

Re: Stop making every conversation about yourself

#27

Post by andirk »

rockbruno wrote: post #22

There is a balance to this. If you always only listen to others and never speak about yourself, you fail to build connections with them (because they know nothing about you). I had the opposite problem, I made every conversation about them and had to learn to change that in order to be able to make friends.

I know your type and it's great! But yes, a connection is a dance, so if I'm getting pelted with these seemingly reasonable questions (read: "and how did that make you feel?"), they start feeling insincere.

Re: Stop making every conversation about yourself

#29

Post by rayxi271828 »

Interesting. I had to make a conscious effort to go the other way around, i.e.: to talk more about me. I grew up reading too many books aimed at the extroverts among us ("There's a reason we have 1 mouth and 2 ears!"; "Silence is golden!").

It's hard to underestimate missed opportunities because a shy introvert (me back then) took and (mis)applied advice meant for extroverts who were already unable to stop talking about themselves. I became virtually invisible. Not good for my career, for my social life, or for my success with women.

I realized much, much later, that to advance in my career, to have a social standing within a group, to be accepted and to have my opinions valued, I HAD to speak up. I HAD to sometimes convey forcefully a personal point of view. That's what makes a person interesting. Nobody remembers a nobody who "listened to me all night long". That only works if you're already somebody that people wouldn't expect to listen to them all night long in the first place!

Sadly, very seldom this kind of advice comes with the correct nuances, in which situation it applies, etc.

Re: Stop making every conversation about yourself

#30

Post by dalbasal »

Certainly agree on the "think more, talk less" front.

I think we often forget or don't realize quite how central talking, and thinking about talking is thinking, is our thought process... or a substantial part of our thought process. How we figure out our values test them and learn to apply them.

We get extremely attached to the stuff that flies out of our mouth, consider it "me."

"You’ll seek only true friends who align with your values, and experiences that bring you purpose and fulfillment and you’ll find a calm quiet center within :)"

Here is where I diverge. I think better conversational habits kind of lead to the opposite. True friends with very different values. A better, calmer separation of self from others, and hence a better ability to appreciate and love those that aren't like us, don't align with our values.

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