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Questions to ask a teenager to start an important conversation

theguardian.com

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Re: Questions to ask a teenager to start an important conversation

#51

Post by em-bee »

Cpoll wrote: post #49
watwut wrote: post #37

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That is NOT what that question is about and if you read longer explanation, you would know it. It was not about making them accept new rules. And majority of questions are not even opinion based.

> If you were a parent, what rules would you set for screens? > Turn the tables, suggests O’Malley, and let them think about an issue from another angle. I'm finding it hard to take your interpretation on this one. Even the explanation calls it "turning the tables." The word "rules" is enough to enforce the power dynamic. The subject of the sentence isn't "screen time," it's "rules." The accusation of not reading the…

asking kids to set their own rules, and then help them stick to those rules is really a much better way than setting rules as a parent without letting the kids have any input. children do have the ability to think and understand what is reasonable. they know that they need to get enough sleep so they are not tired in the morning, etc. so working with them to work out what is reasonable can really empower them and in particular open up an avenue to renegotiate rules that they themselves have chosen.

Re: Questions to ask a teenager to start an important conversation

#52

Post by kelseyfrog »

sdwr wrote: post #48
dmvdoug wrote: post #39

> When I was your age I was more lonely than anyone knew. Is anything going on in your life that no one knows about? I spend my entire working day, and many hours afterward in extracurricular activities, with teenagers. This is a remarkably bad question. None of the questions, to be honest, is very good, but this one in particular would earn you a straight-up blank stare. It’s good to ask kids direct, deep questions,…

So true! The question at the top is a power play, a sales pitch, an ego boost that fakes reciprocity but keeps all the cards. Notice how the vulnerability is kept in the past. "I used to be lonely, but now I'm fine! I don't need anything from you, but I bet you need something from me!"

It's generally taken as good advice for parents to not rely on their children for emotional support ie: preferring unidirectional emotional regulation as opposed to co-regulation. Emotional co-regulation is seen as being as placing undue burdens on children. Is that what you were referring to or is it something else?

Re: Questions to ask a teenager to start an important conversation

#53

Post by jstarfish »

giantg2 wrote: post #45
thaumasiotes wrote: post #33

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> because they're working OT to cover child support. Isn't child support a percentage of earnings?

Most places calculate it as a percentage of earnings with some other factors included at a single point in time (resetting takes other petitons and seems to rarely happen). But that percentage is translated into a dollar amount and is basically set in stone from that point on. Lost your job? Tough shit, keep paying while you look for a new one. Now imagine you're deployed and earning hazard pay when they set that ini…

You can petition for reevaluation every 3 years. Changing support obligations is not that hard. Changing custody is.

Your scenario is equally real for salespeople. Income is imputed based on last 3 years' earnings. If you get laid off and your spouse abandons you, you're expected to continue paying out based on your peak earnings. If the last few years were good to you, your next few will be hell.

It's not a good system but there aren't really any solutions that can't be gamed by the men.

Re: Questions to ask a teenager to start an important conversation

#54

Post by jstarfish »

pauldenton wrote: post #5

If you want to start an important conversation ask if they see any viable path to property ownership before their 50s

Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to.

If you're still breathing, it's never too late to start a trust...to ensure that their dream of homeownership is not achieved through inheritance powder.

Re: Questions to ask a teenager to start an important conversation

#55

Post by giantg2 »

jstarfish wrote: post #53
giantg2 wrote: post #45

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Most places calculate it as a percentage of earnings with some other factors included at a single point in time (resetting takes other petitons and seems to rarely happen). But that percentage is translated into a dollar amount and is basically set in stone from that point on. Lost your job? Tough shit, keep paying while you look for a new one. Now imagine you're deployed and earning hazard pay when they set that ini…

You can petition for reevaluation every 3 years. Changing support obligations is not that hard. Changing custody is. Your scenario is equally real for salespeople. Income is imputed based on last 3 years' earnings. If you get laid off and your spouse abandons you, you're expected to continue paying out based on your peak earnings. If the last few years were good to you, your next few will be hell. It's not a good sys…

"You can petition for reevaluation every 3 years."

Yeah, but it's basically at the whim of the judge. As you mentioned the gaming part, it seems they tend to be biased against many adjustments by thinking it's being gamed.

It's absolutely ridiculous to think this is a good system though. In my mind, you're better off letting some gaming occur than to force people into impossible positions. Not to mention, the current system does nothing to curtail the gaming done by the lower income spouse, women who have multiple children from different partners, or true cost of raising the child vs what someone gets.

Re: Questions to ask a teenager to start an important conversation

#56

Post by sdwr »

kelseyfrog wrote: post #52
sdwr wrote: post #48

Earlier quoted context omitted.

So true! The question at the top is a power play, a sales pitch, an ego boost that fakes reciprocity but keeps all the cards. Notice how the vulnerability is kept in the past. "I used to be lonely, but now I'm fine! I don't need anything from you, but I bet you need something from me!"

It's generally taken as good advice for parents to not rely on their children for emotional support ie: preferring unidirectional emotional regulation as opposed to co-regulation. Emotional co-regulation is seen as being as placing undue burdens on children. Is that what you were referring to or is it something else?

I'm saying it's stealing!

You have a pre-existing equilibrium with your child (the parent asking the questions). Maybe it's good, maybe it's ok.

But you want more! You want access to their inner thoughts, and fears, and deep recesses that they barely understand themselves.

What are you offering in exchange for their lifeblood?

Re: Questions to ask a teenager to start an important conversation

#57

Post by vacuity »

kelseyfrog wrote: post #52
sdwr wrote: post #48

Earlier quoted context omitted.

So true! The question at the top is a power play, a sales pitch, an ego boost that fakes reciprocity but keeps all the cards. Notice how the vulnerability is kept in the past. "I used to be lonely, but now I'm fine! I don't need anything from you, but I bet you need something from me!"

It's generally taken as good advice for parents to not rely on their children for emotional support ie: preferring unidirectional emotional regulation as opposed to co-regulation. Emotional co-regulation is seen as being as placing undue burdens on children. Is that what you were referring to or is it something else?

I think parent means something more like "I've faced these problems in the past so I can relate to you" instead of dumping current problems. I guess there is an awkward area where the parent has serious current problems because, as you say, burdening their child with that is also an issue.

Re: Questions to ask a teenager to start an important conversation

#59

Post by kelseyfrog »

sdwr wrote: post #56
kelseyfrog wrote: post #52

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's generally taken as good advice for parents to not rely on their children for emotional support ie: preferring unidirectional emotional regulation as opposed to co-regulation. Emotional co-regulation is seen as being as placing undue burdens on children. Is that what you were referring to or is it something else?

I'm saying it's stealing! You have a pre-existing equilibrium with your child (the parent asking the questions). Maybe it's good, maybe it's ok. But you want more! You want access to their inner thoughts, and fears, and deep recesses that they barely understand themselves. What are you offering in exchange for their lifeblood?

It's funny. I read it in an entirely different way.

The way I took it was an invitation to share rather than some expectation or requirement. To me the author regrets having never been asked this question during childhood and learned the lesson, "Take time to ask open-ended questions." I didn't read it as, "demand access to your child's inner thoughts," but I find it interesting that you did.

There certainly are parents who do demand access to their children's inner thoughts l, but I didn't interpret the author as being one of them.

It seems we agree that this behavior from parents is bad, but disagree that the author is advocating for it.

Re: Questions to ask a teenager to start an important conversation

#60

Post by late2part »

em-bee wrote: post #51
Cpoll wrote: post #49

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> If you were a parent, what rules would you set for screens? > Turn the tables, suggests O’Malley, and let them think about an issue from another angle. I'm finding it hard to take your interpretation on this one. Even the explanation calls it "turning the tables." The word "rules" is enough to enforce the power dynamic. The subject of the sentence isn't "screen time," it's "rules." The accusation of not reading the…

asking kids to set their own rules, and then help them stick to those rules is really a much better way than setting rules as a parent without letting the kids have any input. children do have the ability to think and understand what is reasonable. they know that they need to get enough sleep so they are not tired in the morning, etc. so working with them to work out what is reasonable can really empower them and in…

Surely. This is why they never drive cars without training, play video games instead of doing homework, and never drink to excess while underage.
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