Well certainly part of it is much of the .deb ecosystem still feels like its stuck in the late 90s linux era to me. But maybe I'm alone on that gut feel.
I’m thinking: implemented in nodejs with a cli with emojis and animations.
The GitHub read me should have a minimum of 80 emojis and a meme or two.
The core dependency of the cli should be a 6 month old framework with 92 commits. When that library reaches 1 year old, it should be swapped out for something newer as the sole maintainer will have left their job and/or got bored with the project having spent so long on it