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‘I just assumed it would happen’: the unspoken grief of childless men

theguardian.com

41–50 of 281 posts

Re: ‘I just assumed it would happen’: the unspoken grief of childless men

#41
post #2

> this Game of Thrones genetic push felt by men to have children”. Literally no idea what this means.

Everything from genetic onwards makes sense, but “Game of Thrones”? I’m coming up with nothing too. I can think of familial incest, strife, dysfunction, etc. but no examples of a guy wanting to have kids comes to mind.

It’s a tone deaf reference to “guys really want to be emperors deep down like on that popular show”.

Re: ‘I just assumed it would happen’: the unspoken grief of childless men

#42

I feel bad for the people that now want to have had children but didn't but as a father of two, if you didn't directly plan to have kids it might have been better that you didn't, kids take a lot of work, you have to be in the right place to do it. I used to be the person that said "yeah, go have kids" and now I'm "only do it if you're completely sure its what you want" because if you're not it's the children sufferi…

I don't think people should have kids very young, but if you're 25+ and you think you want kids some day, just let it happen.

Don't worry about being ready, because nothing can truly prepare you for it. You will never be ready for your first child because there's nothing you can do to train for it.

Just do it.

Re: ‘I just assumed it would happen’: the unspoken grief of childless men

#43
post #33
post #27

Evolution. It's programmed into you, the drive to reproduce. And that's a good thing. You won't understand how important and amazing it is until you have your own kid. NOTHING is more important.

I really hate this attitude. It's a condescending and patronising attitude - that men who don't (or can't) have children are less. Are you really saying that absolutely nothing is more important than reproducing? For everyone, in every situation? I sincerely hope not.

If you look at things objectively, then yes, it is the most important for the species. If you look at things relatively, then no, there's a lot of factors at play and everyone does not need to have kids (overpopulation concerns, cost of living, personal preferences, etc).

That being said, having kids brings so much perspective to a life already lived. You almost live a second (or third, forth, fifth, etc) life vicariously though them, so it's up there in "experiences to have".

Re: ‘I just assumed it would happen’: the unspoken grief of childless men

#44
I'm 38, and I'm socially unable to meet women outside of online dating, I've had enough girlfriend and a long, 8 years relationship (she did not want kids).

I don't really understand that social norm of having kids. I can understand sexual desire, but is there really a "desire to have kids"?

Is having kids really some kind of moral imperative to "continue the human species"?

Anyway, women have high standards, which is normal, so it's normal that a lot of men will be left on the side.

And women also suffer for not having kids if they wanted to.

Re: ‘I just assumed it would happen’: the unspoken grief of childless men

#45
Spending a lot more time with my aging father, I see a certain joy and pride in him whenever we are doing things together, a feeling that I will myself never know.

Instead I chose career, travel and education early in life, and while I do not regret it.. Later in life I noticed that for me such accomplishments feel worth about 5 minutes of cold talk in social events, even more among those who warmly talk about their grandchildren and even great grandchildren.

Each of us have a limited time here, and we make choices that (hopefully) makes it worthwhile. Though perhaps, the choices I made left a feeling of emptiness..

Re: ‘I just assumed it would happen’: the unspoken grief of childless men

#46

I feel bad for the people that now want to have had children but didn't but as a father of two, if you didn't directly plan to have kids it might have been better that you didn't, kids take a lot of work, you have to be in the right place to do it. I used to be the person that said "yeah, go have kids" and now I'm "only do it if you're completely sure its what you want" because if you're not it's the children sufferi…

[deleted]

Re: ‘I just assumed it would happen’: the unspoken grief of childless men

#47

I feel bad for the people that now want to have had children but didn't but as a father of two, if you didn't directly plan to have kids it might have been better that you didn't, kids take a lot of work, you have to be in the right place to do it. I used to be the person that said "yeah, go have kids" and now I'm "only do it if you're completely sure its what you want" because if you're not it's the children sufferi…

>> kids take a lot of work, you have to be in the right place to do it.

I think it's a certain type of personality that believes this. I know somebody who gets worried for certain friends/family having children because they don't own their house or have high paid jobs. They have a laundry list of todo's (mostly financial) before they will even consider having children. It's almost condescending but I choose to see it as more of an unnecessary fear/anxiety. People make do. People get knocked up, they get unemployed, they get help from friends and family where possible, and they love their kids just as much as the people who planned it on a Jira board.

Re: ‘I just assumed it would happen’: the unspoken grief of childless men

#49
post #40

Tough topic. I have some personal experience with it. The thing I struggle most with is the fact that I am often looked down upon (either consciously or subconsciously) by those that have "achieved" parenthood. Having children is an odd status symbol in Western society.

> Having children is an odd status symbol in Western society.

Funny, the exact opposite sentiment is mentioned in the article. I'm not sure who is right.

Re: ‘I just assumed it would happen’: the unspoken grief of childless men

#50
post #2

> this Game of Thrones genetic push felt by men to have children”. Literally no idea what this means.

Having a bloodline vs not having one. There’s people out there today who think adopting a kid is equivalent to a biological one. Versus the Game of Thrones thinking that bloodline matters a lot.
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