Don't just assume...
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‘I just assumed it would happen’: the unspoken grief of childless men
31–40 of 281 posts
Re: ‘I just assumed it would happen’: the unspoken grief of childless men
#32Men can have children even in their 80s, rich people do it all the time.
FTA:
> Instead, he said: “There’s this mistaken belief that men are fertile across their lifespan, so there’s no imperative to get on with it.”
Re: ‘I just assumed it would happen’: the unspoken grief of childless men
#33Evolution. It's programmed into you, the drive to reproduce. And that's a good thing. You won't understand how important and amazing it is until you have your own kid. NOTHING is more important.
I really hate this attitude. It's a condescending and patronising attitude - that men who don't (or can't) have children are less. Are you really saying that absolutely nothing is more important than reproducing? For everyone, in every situation? I sincerely hope not.
Re: ‘I just assumed it would happen’: the unspoken grief of childless men
#34Geezer* Perspective... [*If not in the USA, read "Old geezer". Credit: Aachen] Many varieties of "I really regret that I [did|didn't] do X when I was younger" occur in older humans. The stereotype of young men wanting to avoid all the work and commitment of setting down, marrying, and raising children is older than the pyramids. It is obviously not true of all young men, but there's very seldom been a shortage. Sure,…
> but a young man whose main motive for marriage is "so I don't regret not having kids when I'm old" I had a spit take here. When people say they regret not doing something, they are talking about regretting not everything that came along with doing that thing, not just avoiding the emotion of regret later in life. You could rephrase that into "a young man whose main motive for marriage is to have a loving, fulfillin…
> When people say they regret not doing something, they are talking about regretting not everything that came along with doing that thing, not just avoiding the emotion of regret later in life.
Perhaps I am misunderstanding but isn’t that what regret it? The not having everything (or most things) that come along with having done the thing?
> When someone says they regret not quitting smoking 30 years ago or starting to exercise daily, are they just talking about avoiding the emotion of regret in 30 years?
I think this is exactly right. They regret not having all the benefits of having made these choices thirty years prior, and so the feeling of regret is the umbrella term for what they are trying to avoid.
In short I think you and OP are saying the same thing but you are arguing that the term regret is narrower. I don’t think that’s right.
Re: ‘I just assumed it would happen’: the unspoken grief of childless men
#35Earlier quoted context omitted.
> But a single man adopting is considered as pervert Is this evidence or assumption? Not challenging too hard just wondering if you've actually been called or treated like a perv or if it's something you assume will occur
It is theoretically possible as a single male, but there are many more restrictions - in practice its very very rare. For example, see these requirements for a very large international adoption agency: [1]. In my experience there is, as OP describes, a strong stigma against single males, not just that they are considered perverts, but also that they are considered incapable of taking on this responsibility alone, not…
Have you considered doing volunteer work with children. Something like Big Brothers?
Re: ‘I just assumed it would happen’: the unspoken grief of childless men
#36I feel bad for the people that now want to have had children but didn't but as a father of two, if you didn't directly plan to have kids it might have been better that you didn't, kids take a lot of work, you have to be in the right place to do it. I used to be the person that said "yeah, go have kids" and now I'm "only do it if you're completely sure its what you want" because if you're not it's the children sufferi…
Well, I have 2 sons. 25 and 15. I am 45. If you want to have kids, just have them. Or if they happen, let them
happen.
Yes, they are a lot of work. Yes, they are a lot of commitment. Lots of sleepless nights, lots of extra work as you want to be a father and a provider. But so what? Its not very complicated work, just lots of it. And life is too beautiful to slack around, so you can just as well spend them with your kids.
Re: ‘I just assumed it would happen’: the unspoken grief of childless men
#37Men can have children even in their 80s, rich people do it all the time.
We are not built to chase around toddlers wanting to run towards danger at that age.
Re: ‘I just assumed it would happen’: the unspoken grief of childless men
#38Geezer* Perspective... [*If not in the USA, read "Old geezer". Credit: Aachen] Many varieties of "I really regret that I [did|didn't] do X when I was younger" occur in older humans. The stereotype of young men wanting to avoid all the work and commitment of setting down, marrying, and raising children is older than the pyramids. It is obviously not true of all young men, but there's very seldom been a shortage. Sure,…
I feel like most young men have always wanted to extend their youth and avoid the responsibility that family life would bring. However, until recently (with easy access to birth control, abortion, and proper education) this wasn't really possible. You would accidentally have a child and be forced into the lifestyle you were trying to avoid. And most of the time things worked out and you were forced into a situation t…
Wow yeah you really hit the nail on the head for me. My wife and I weren't trying to have kids but we weren't trying not to have kids either, if you get my drift. Looking back on it, if we had been "smart" about deciding when the right time would happen, we might never have had kids.
Having kids is hands-down the best thing I've ever done but also the hardest. Not because of the amount of work, because it's really not that much work. It's more of the dramatically uncomfortable shift in perspective: Realizing I'm not the main character in this story. It still hits me sometimes.
Re: ‘I just assumed it would happen’: the unspoken grief of childless men
#39Geezer* Perspective... [*If not in the USA, read "Old geezer". Credit: Aachen] Many varieties of "I really regret that I [did|didn't] do X when I was younger" occur in older humans. The stereotype of young men wanting to avoid all the work and commitment of setting down, marrying, and raising children is older than the pyramids. It is obviously not true of all young men, but there's very seldom been a shortage. Sure,…
I don't agree. You're making a big assumption that the person expressing regret actually wants something else, but that in my experience is not true.
Re: ‘I just assumed it would happen’: the unspoken grief of childless men
#40Tough topic. I have some personal experience with it. The thing I struggle most with is the fact that I am often looked down upon (either consciously or subconsciously) by those that have "achieved" parenthood. Having children is an odd status symbol in Western society.