431–440 of 493 posts
Earlier quoted context omitted.
I wouldn't know, I've never gone drinking with Japanese people, just been friends with Japanese Americans as a kid. It's a thing.
I don't know if Japanese Americans truly represent their country of origin. If it's like Italian Americans and Greek Americans they tend to have customs that in their country of origin are outdated.
Earlier quoted context omitted.
I feel somewhat conflicted about this. I'm from Finland, and while we aren't technically Scandinavian and might be something of an outlier among Northern Europeans in general, the stereotype is that we're not fond of small talk and prefer to be to the point and perhaps even blunt. But in terms of asking for things, I don't feel like I identify with the culture of directly asking. Feeling out or giving hints that I mi…
Definitely true, and this also applies to getting things without asking. As a somewhat tongue in cheek example -- if you have guests over you should offer coffee three times. They may refuse the first two and accept the third time. But if you do not offer thrice, they'll go home and complain that you were too stingy to even provide coffee. You should read the manner of refusal in these kinds of cases, and offer more…
I always saw it as a way for a host to try a couple of alternatives before working on the actual need.
Earlier quoted context omitted.
I've not been to Japan, but heard what seems to be an exception to this rule from a colleague. When out having drinks, it is considered (1) rude to let your friend's drink go empty, and (2) rude to refuse your friends offer for a drink. Is this accurate? If so... one can imagine how this can get pretty messy!
Rude seems like a too strong a word for it but it's normal culture to fill someone's cup if it's empty and it's rude to poor for yourself without first filling your friend's cup, and ideally they'll ask for the bottle to fill yours once you've finished filling their's but it's common to just fill your own after filling theirs. As for (2) I don't know any culture where if a friend asks you to meet up with them that th…
Earlier quoted context omitted.
I‘ve gone through a ton of comments below and see a lot of contradicting evidence to your thoughtful suggestion. Also my girlfriend and I are both from north Europe and I notice a similar difference. Maybe the difference is mostly > she had been brought up to feel extreme insecurity This reminds me of a quote from Buffett from about 40 years ago. He said something along the lines of "when women are raised, they hear…
The American south has a very distinct attitude towards guests. Very hospitable. That’s the difference in his case.
Earlier quoted context omitted.
If I’ve learned anything in my 20 year mental health journey, it’s that until you’ve addressed your childhood trauma, nothing you do will be a lasting fix for any interpersonal issues you may have.
>addressed your childhood trauma This is pretty frustrating as 90s-kid who had a Good Childhood™ and struggles with interpersonal issues. I have a close friend from childhood who also had quite a Good Childhood™ and he can't shut up about "trauma" and it seems like every two years he has this big epiphany about how he addressed some "trauma" he was previously repressing and how now that he's done so he's All Better N…
Schemas are just your set of inbuilt, instantaneous responses to common situations or thoughts.
You don't need trauma to have maladaptive schemas.
Earlier quoted context omitted.
It is also true that for some (many?) people it is very hard to say 'No'. I don't know any psychological/technical name for this but it is simply true and it is in their nature. When asked directly, they will give in even if they don't like doing what is being asked. 'Asking' in these cases is actually exploitation (if done with prior knowledge).
I think what you describe in the flip side of this. If I assume guess culture, then you asking me something implies that you reasoned out that I should give it to you. That puts a lot of expectations on me and I feel like I am going to really upset you if I say no. Meanwhile you may have just asked me on a long shot.
If the other person is also an asker, it's probably accurate. As an asker myself, I have no trouble saying no when the answer is no. I will generally offer some explanation of the no, and I'll probably also suggest some other way the other person can accomplish what they were asking me about, but saying no just feels like "being honest" to me.
I'm also comfortable with the prospect that I might disappoint people this way. I consider my own disappointment to be my responsibility, and thus also consider other people's disappointment to be theirs, not mine.
Earlier quoted context omitted.
Hmm. I think I've primarily experienced the really dark side of guess culture, so I appreciate your framing of it as a desire for understanding when it's in a healthy context. I've experienced it in the contexts of narcissism and borderline personality, where the underlying thought is, "I am so obviously the center of the world that anyone with half a brain who's paying a whit of attention should to intuit my needs w…
What you're describing is abusive behavior, which is something I would hesitate very strongly to characterize as part of any cultural norm.
That's why I'm grateful that the commenter I replied to helped me see the healthier side of this trait!
Earlier quoted context omitted.
I don't think I understand your example, but that may come from having had more than my share of polyamorous friends. By default, I would take your request at face value and have no trouble saying, "No, we're monogamous, but I can't very well blame you for wanting to!"
very well, but what percentage of the population do you think would consider that rude. Of course, the nut of the question is whether its ever possible to be rude with a question. If it's possible to be rude with a statement, I don't really see the difference between questions and statements, at the higest level, though
Certainly sometimes I'm wrong. Most people are assholes sometimes (myself included), and some people are assholes most of the time. But I've found my conversations go best when I try not to assume assholery about someone for as long as I possibly can.
In this case, assuming someone's worldview doesn't take monogamy for granted, and that they've also noticed how sexy my partner is, is how I avoid being offended, even if they frame the request in a somewhat crass way.
Earlier quoted context omitted.
Hmm. I think I've primarily experienced the really dark side of guess culture, so I appreciate your framing of it as a desire for understanding when it's in a healthy context. I've experienced it in the contexts of narcissism and borderline personality, where the underlying thought is, "I am so obviously the center of the world that anyone with half a brain who's paying a whit of attention should to intuit my needs w…
> "I am so obviously the center of the world that ... If I have to speak, you have already failed." IME this person is always a women dominating her family. Idk why.
No matter how deep your guess cultural assumptions may run, please help any autistic people in your life out and, for their sake, just ask for what you want. They will interpret your request exactly at face value and answer you clearly.