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Ask vs. Guess Culture

jeanhsu.substack.com

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Re: Ask vs. Guess Culture

#411

Post by maksimur »

l0b0 wrote: post #394
huijzer wrote: post #293

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I‘ve gone through a ton of comments below and see a lot of contradicting evidence to your thoughtful suggestion. Also my girlfriend and I are both from north Europe and I notice a similar difference. Maybe the difference is mostly > she had been brought up to feel extreme insecurity This reminds me of a quote from Buffett from about 40 years ago. He said something along the lines of "when women are raised, they hear…

This and other comments here resonate a lot. My SO is unlikely to ask for anything if there's even a small chance of getting a negative answer, and I'm basically the opposite. If this difference really is common, wouldn't it explain a large part of the salary and position discrepancies between the sexes? That is, someone who asks for an improvement to their contract once they are 50% sure of getting it versus someone…

I don't know. I know men who act like your SO.

Re: Ask vs. Guess Culture

#412

Post by jiggawatts »

RangerScience wrote: post #404
jiggawatts wrote: post #352

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Unfortunately, this is not my experience. I work with many immigrant software developers, and the vast majority have not realised that they have to switch to an "ask" approach. They will say "yes" to everything , no matter what, and then never ever ask a followup question. For example, if assigned a task that I know they cannot possibly complete (i.e.: due to a lack of access), they'll say "yes" and then... I won't h…

My brother had a good tip when traveling internationally; ask questions where the correct answer is “no”. So don’t ask if the food is vegetarian, ask if there’s meat in it. Of course, that was for language barriers. Also, I don’t know how to tell you this, but that doesn’t sound like an “ask” culture- that sounds like a “yes-man” situation.

It's definitely cultural. You only get this "yes" answer to every question from this area of the world starting somewhere in the middle east through to western parts of asia. It's not any specific country or language, but it's definitely from that region.

Re: Ask vs. Guess Culture

#413

Post by Zetice »

DoreenMichele wrote: post #273

The formal terms for this difference are high context culture and low context culture. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/High-context_and_low-context_c... "Guess" culture would correspond to high context culture. You need to have a lot of shared context -- or be able to read a lot of clues to the context -- to infer what was really meant as a means to be adequately polite. "Ask" culture would correspond to low context cu…

The world does work one way; you ask for what you want. Even the “guessers” are asking for what they want eventually, when they’re sufficiently embarrassed…

Re: Ask vs. Guess Culture

#414

Post by maksimur »

throwawaymaths wrote: post #396
srazzaque wrote: post #375

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I've not been to Japan, but heard what seems to be an exception to this rule from a colleague. When out having drinks, it is considered (1) rude to let your friend's drink go empty, and (2) rude to refuse your friends offer for a drink. Is this accurate? If so... one can imagine how this can get pretty messy!

I wouldn't know, I've never gone drinking with Japanese people, just been friends with Japanese Americans as a kid. It's a thing.

I don't know if Japanese Americans truly represent their country of origin. If it's like Italian Americans and Greek Americans they tend to have customs that in their country of origin are outdated.

Re: Ask vs. Guess Culture

#415

Post by distances »

Delk wrote: post #297
quacked wrote: post #7

I am from the northern US (Protestant Scandinavian/German) and my wife is from the southern US (Protestant English/German) [1]. In the first several years of our relationship, we had several big disputes about how to treat each other, and how to treat guests. After a while we realized that she had been brought up to feel extreme insecurity over responding to the needs of guests, and I had been brought up to be blithe…

I feel somewhat conflicted about this. I'm from Finland, and while we aren't technically Scandinavian and might be something of an outlier among Northern Europeans in general, the stereotype is that we're not fond of small talk and prefer to be to the point and perhaps even blunt. But in terms of asking for things, I don't feel like I identify with the culture of directly asking. Feeling out or giving hints that I mi…

Definitely true, and this also applies to getting things without asking.

As a somewhat tongue in cheek example -- if you have guests over you should offer coffee three times. They may refuse the first two and accept the third time. But if you do not offer thrice, they'll go home and complain that you were too stingy to even provide coffee.

You should read the manner of refusal in these kinds of cases, and offer more profusely if the situation demands.

I am built this way. It's weird to admit, but not only I will not ask directly; I am very hesitant to accept things even when offered. Definitely very high on the guess culture scale, and I know that's incompatible with how some other cultures operate, so I'm trying to be mindful about it and behave more directly when situation demands.

Re: Ask vs. Guess Culture

#416

Post by kccqzy »

sircastor wrote: post #74
wccrawford wrote: post #62

Earlier quoted context omitted.

While I was studying Japanese, I learned that they go out of their way to make it so the other person doesn't have to refuse with a "no". For instance, they'll ask, "Do you not have X?" instead of "Do you have X?" The person can answer "Yes, we don't have it" or "It's over here". I actually made this mistake, asking for a product directly instead of negatively, when I was in Tokyo. The clerk took me to the aisle and…

There may be an obvious language barrier here, but the coupling of a positive with a negative response feels very odd to me in English. I'm reminded of the old song (it was used for an advertising jingle for a product or company I can't remember) "Yes, we have no bananas!" Adjacently, I really dislike the courtroom phrasing "Isn't it true?" that is sometimes depicted in legal dramas.

I have noticed the same thing. A "yes" or "no" answer could refer to the truth-value of the situation or to the polarity used in the question.

I personally avoid this construction at all costs. When someone asks a negative question, I reply with "you're right" instead of "yes" to mean I agree with the negativity.

Re: Ask vs. Guess Culture

#417

Post by nokya »

I wouldn't call it "guess", the author is being too nice with the people described in the essay.

Many people choose to consciously engage in toxic or illegal behaviors on the premise that, if the "victim" wants it to stop, it has to signify clearly its desire. Until then, they are free to continue whatever they choose to do.

I think this behavior is very far from genuinely guessing someone's attitude or wishes without consciously putting the same person into discomfort, distress or suffering.

As such, I wouldn't call this "asking vs. guessing" but rather "asking vs. forcing others".

Re: Ask vs. Guess Culture

#418

Post by RajT88 »

I am a "guess" person myself.

I once was horribly burned by an "ask" person I dated who politely, but expectantly asked for the moon on a regular basis.

There was a significant cultural bias in play for sure. I felt somewhat steamrolled at the time. It did not work out. I am sure it was about more than different cultures, at the end of the day.

Re: Ask vs. Guess Culture

#419

Post by IshKebab »

caminante wrote: post #280
IshKebab wrote: post #267

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Pick any theory. If you can't validate it, then that's a failure of the theory, right? Definitely not. There are a ton of theories that are very difficult to validate because you simply can't run the experiment due to practical or ethical reasons. That doesn't mean they are invalid. For example my theory that UBI is unworkable. Basically impossible to prove because it's just too expensive to ever run a real UBI exp…

> There are a ton of theories that are very difficult to validate because you simply can't run the experiment due to practical or ethical reasons. But they HAVE run high/low context experiments. > For example my theory that UBI is unworkable. Basically impossible to prove because it's just too expensive to ever run a real UBI experiment. Are you referring to Universal Basic Income? If so, countless experiments have b…

> Are you referring to Universal Basic Income? If so, countless experiments have been run

Sure, but those experiments are fundamentally flawed because they are of such limited duration, and because they only apply to a small portion of society.

Obviously people's behaviour is going to be different if they know they can't abandon their careers, and the economy is obviously not going to be affected at all by these trials but it definitely would by actual UBI!

To do a proper test you'd need an entire country to try UBI for at least one lifetime. Good luck with that.

Re: Ask vs. Guess Culture

#420

Post by gpgn »

jzb wrote: post #12

"It’s rude to put someone in a position where they have to say no to you" I feel this in my bones. When I was a kid my dad went off on me after we visited someone's house and I saw cake on the counter and asked for a slice. That was just unacceptable. (Context: He was raised by people who lived through the depression. Food scarcity was a real thing in living memory.) Even though his reaction was way overboard, I stil…

How does that work in dating? If you are afraid of making people uncomfortable by asking them out, escalating things and putting them in situations where they have to say no to you, you may just end up being single for life.
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