Ask vs. Guess Culture • Hacker News Board

Re: Ask vs. Guess Culture

#401

Post by ChuckMcM » Sat, Aug 19, 2023, 6:05 AM UTC

When I first heard about "ask" vs. "guess" culture from a discussion on Twitter in early 2022 it was like a lightning bolt struck. So many things could be explained in this context. My Mom was from the south (Tennessee), my Dad from the north (upstate NY) our family was often wracked by misunderstandings. It confused the heck out of me. Fortunately both I and my wife lean much more to "ask" culture and we were close enough that after some initial misunderstandings in our marriage it settled out. We didn't have a name for it though, and this putting it into context really gave me a "Eureka" moment.

Ever since reading about this I've looked at relationships I have and have tried to work out what culture the other person preferred or was using, and often had direct conversations both explaining the concepts and talking about the ramifications of one form of interaction over the other.

Some folks are uncomfortable asking for things and lean into guess culture, others are really explicit about if they didn't ask about it they don't care. I only wish I had understood these concepts when I started managing engineers!

Re: Ask vs. Guess Culture

#402

Post by j7ake » Sat, Aug 19, 2023, 6:06 AM UTC

In Netherlands the ask culture is so strong that it is not appropriate to ask “how are you doing” to strangers, because you don’t actually want to know how they are doing.

Re: Ask vs. Guess Culture

#403

Post by [deleted] » Sat, Aug 19, 2023, 6:15 AM UTC

jzb wrote: post #12

"It’s rude to put someone in a position where they have to say no to you" I feel this in my bones. When I was a kid my dad went off on me after we visited someone's house and I saw cake on the counter and asked for a slice. That was just unacceptable. (Context: He was raised by people who lived through the depression. Food scarcity was a real thing in living memory.) Even though his reaction was way overboard, I stil…

[deleted]

Re: Ask vs. Guess Culture

#404

Post by RangerScience » Sat, Aug 19, 2023, 6:25 AM UTC

jiggawatts wrote: post #352

RangerScience wrote: post #182

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Seconding this. Anecdotally, the more multicultural a space is, the more it trends towards "ask".

Unfortunately, this is not my experience. I work with many immigrant software developers, and the vast majority have not realised that they have to switch to an "ask" approach. They will say "yes" to everything , no matter what, and then never ever ask a followup question. For example, if assigned a task that I know they cannot possibly complete (i.e.: due to a lack of access), they'll say "yes" and then... I won't h…

My brother had a good tip when traveling internationally; ask questions where the correct answer is “no”. So don’t ask if the food is vegetarian, ask if there’s meat in it. Of course, that was for language barriers.

Also, I don’t know how to tell you this, but that doesn’t sound like an “ask” culture- that sounds like a “yes-man” situation.

Re: Ask vs. Guess Culture

#405

Post by lll-o-lll » Sat, Aug 19, 2023, 6:31 AM UTC

deaddodo wrote: post #357

matheusmoreira wrote: post #351

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> There's no social dance to it. There is. What constitutes a leech varies from person to person, from culture to culture. Accepting help could easily lead to resentment, it's entirely possible they were offering help to seem generous while simultaneously expecting to be refused. Offering help at all could be offensive because you're in a position of strength while they're in a position of weakness, it implies they n…

Fine. There's no systematic dance, like more socially stoic cultures. New England and Southern cultures being the prime contrast; but you could use the caste system of India as an extreme contrast, if you like. Every interpersonal relationship has its own dance, no matter where you're from. That's what socializing is .

> Every interpersonal relationship has its own dance, no matter where you're from. That's what socializing is.

And sadly, those not born with a neurotypical brain are very bad dancers.

Re: Ask vs. Guess Culture

#406

Post by Too » Sat, Aug 19, 2023, 6:55 AM UTC

What I dislike about guess culture in certain individuals, is when they turn it around into a blackmailing, paint you into a corner, culture.

You know, you get a innocent text from a friend: Any plans this weekend? No other context around the question...

Answer no and you might miss out on a party invitation. Answer yes and they implicitly assume that you are free to help their cousins friends uncle to move boxes whole day, often phrased with yes as the only viable answer.

It’s not that I wouldn’t like to help a good friend in need, but it’s not like “no plans” means I’m totally free of their disposal either, my weekend is my weekend. Stop beating around the bush, give the context up front, allow a way out of the question that doesn’t become super awkward for both parties.

Re: Ask vs. Guess Culture

#407

Post by seng » Sat, Aug 19, 2023, 7:06 AM UTC

gopher_space wrote: post #136

jzb wrote: post #12

"It’s rude to put someone in a position where they have to say no to you" I feel this in my bones. When I was a kid my dad went off on me after we visited someone's house and I saw cake on the counter and asked for a slice. That was just unacceptable. (Context: He was raised by people who lived through the depression. Food scarcity was a real thing in living memory.) Even though his reaction was way overboard, I stil…

My grandmother said you’d offer food to guests because you knew they were hungry and they’d refuse because they knew you didn’t have enough for yourself. If you actually had enough food for a meal you needed to convince your houseguest.

That's the reason, I avoid going to relatives home as guests. They would compel and force me to eat something that I don't prefer. I won't be able to politely decline them as I'm from guess culture.

Re: Ask vs. Guess Culture

#408

Post by archeantus » Sat, Aug 19, 2023, 7:11 AM UTC

We’re guess people through and through. It’s really hard for my kids to say no to awkward things that their “friends” ask of them who are askers. How do you say no to askers in a way that they will know they can’t come to you with dumb asks in the future?

Re: Ask vs. Guess Culture

#409

Post by archeantus » Sat, Aug 19, 2023, 7:14 AM UTC

archeantus wrote: post #408

We’re guess people through and through. It’s really hard for my kids to say no to awkward things that their “friends” ask of them who are askers. How do you say no to askers in a way that they will know they can’t come to you with dumb asks in the future?

For example my daughter has a friend who asks for all of her good stuff at lunch everyday…she has a hard time telling her no, even though she doesn’t want to give away all of her food.

Re: Ask vs. Guess Culture

#410

Post by zqna » Sat, Aug 19, 2023, 7:20 AM UTC

Guess culture arises where there is (relative) shortage of wealth (therefore more attention is spent on it and perception of it). People are obliged to offer/give something that they don't want because they want show off of higher capabilities than they actually are. Paradoxically, this produces a lot of waste, and also partially is the reason why these social groups are locked in being poor.