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How to communicate when trust is low without digging yourself into a deeper hole

charity.wtf

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Re: How to communicate when trust is low without digging yourself into a deeper hole

#91

Post by fragmede »

TylerE wrote: post #24
breakingwalls wrote: post #6

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Very timely for me as well, have been having tough time with my partner especially about how unfriendly and critical I sound, even though my intentions are for general improvement and well being around home.

There is little less welcome than unsolicited "advice", especially coming from the person and place that are supposed to be the refuge from all the shit going on in the world.

"Hey, are you open to feedback?" works wonders. Also be prepared for "no". This does require someone who's able to say no though, which isn't a given.

Re: How to communicate when trust is low without digging yourself into a deeper hole

#92

Post by eastbound »

ketzo wrote: post #18

> TRY TO SOUND FRIENDLY. > Say "please" and "thank you"... use emojis... I'll add to this one -- use exclamation points! It's actually ridiculous how effective all these little things are. In my experience, men, engineers, and especially engineers who are men tend to think of this as unnecessary fluff. They often decline to add these little social niceties because to them, they sound inauthentic. That's not a charact…

As an engineer, I’ve gotten used to being told off for …using exclamation points, or not using then actually, or using them a little. Apparently an exclamation point on a joke makes it aggressive.

And at one age, I got popular, muscular. That’s long gone now, but when I was, I could write whatever I wanted and people didn’t find it offensive. I found it funny when I discovered that people no longer told me off for what I said, or wrote. Now at my age (and weight), I notice again people telling me that I didn’t speak properly of whoever, I ask them what I said, they say it’s not the words, it’s not the tone, it’s not the smile, it’s the intent.

It’s almost as if engineer-men were the socialy lowlys, on which people could train their ability to explain how to others how they ought to behave better.

Re: How to communicate when trust is low without digging yourself into a deeper hole

#93

Post by kevinmchugh »

apsurd wrote: post #7

Great read. Another helpful cue I give myself is "The opt-in". Always give your partner the chance to opt-in to the conversation. Opt-ins can be subtle or explicit relative to the heaviness. Opt-in can be a simple pause allowing the other person to volley back. A chance to follow up with questions, contribute, or change the subject heh. TONS of people don't do this. myself included. Take a beat. For hard conversation…

I learned this from The Effective Manager. When giving feedback you always ask if the person is open to it. It gives them the chance to avoid/delay if it's a bad day, and makes them bought in.

Re: How to communicate when trust is low without digging yourself into a deeper hole

#94

Post by tayo42 »

TylerE wrote: post #62
tayo42 wrote: post #44

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Surprised to see emoji. I feel like those almost always come across insincere when they're not expected. Idk why, maybe I'm the odd one.

I think the occasional emoji is ok, especially in chat, but excess, especially multiples of the same emoji in a row are just childish.

Sometimes, I guess if its used as a more interesting exclamation point. Like great job !

People who punctuate with smileys seems odd and forced to me.

Or when they correct things, "Hey all you need to do is X,Y,Z here here and here :-)" Idk that bothers me.

This article linked here that were talking about was like a perfect example of what seems to me fake corporate emoji use that comes off weird.

Re: How to communicate when trust is low without digging yourself into a deeper hole

#95

Post by fendy3002 »

OJFord wrote: post #60
ketzo wrote: post #18

> TRY TO SOUND FRIENDLY. > Say "please" and "thank you"... use emojis... I'll add to this one -- use exclamation points! It's actually ridiculous how effective all these little things are. In my experience, men, engineers, and especially engineers who are men tend to think of this as unnecessary fluff. They often decline to add these little social niceties because to them, they sound inauthentic. That's not a charact…

> In my experience, men, engineers, and especially engineers who are men tend to think of this as unnecessary fluff. They often decline to add these little social niceties because to them, they sound inauthentic. I really hate to make such a clichéd and usually flawed argument, but can you imagine the reverse going down well? And if the male cohort (to continue this stereotype/generalisation/simplification) don't lik…

Emoticons are useful on more friendly settings, this is useful on both friendly and professional settings. Using both are good.

If you want to make discussion feels like a friendly situation, using emoticon can emphasis the emotion.

Re: How to communicate when trust is low without digging yourself into a deeper hole

#96

Post by davesque »

Something I think is missing from this list: make a sacrifice for the sake of the other person.

If trust has been damaged, it might take more than just talk to repair it. You may need to give the other person part of what they want as a gesture of good will. I've seen this go a long way in certain situations.

Of course, this comes with some caveats. For example, if there's a power imbalance in a damaged relationship, it's not appropriate for the disadvantaged side to be making sacrifices. Also, the person making the sacrifice is entitled to notice whether or not the other party appreciates it. After all, no one wants to be taken advantage of.

The point is sometimes you just need to demonstrate a charitable attitude when you want things to get back on track.

Re: How to communicate when trust is low without digging yourself into a deeper hole

#98

Post by marcod »

davesque wrote: post #96

Something I think is missing from this list: make a sacrifice for the sake of the other person. If trust has been damaged, it might take more than just talk to repair it. You may need to give the other person part of what they want as a gesture of good will. I've seen this go a long way in certain situations. Of course, this comes with some caveats. For example, if there's a power imbalance in a damaged relationship,…

I agree, to phrase it a little different, you have to make yourself vulnerable to repair a connection. Ideally, both sides will :)

Re: How to communicate when trust is low without digging yourself into a deeper hole

#99

Post by OJFord »

Cushman wrote: post #90
OJFord wrote: post #60

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> In my experience, men, engineers, and especially engineers who are men tend to think of this as unnecessary fluff. They often decline to add these little social niceties because to them, they sound inauthentic. I really hate to make such a clichéd and usually flawed argument, but can you imagine the reverse going down well? And if the male cohort (to continue this stereotype/generalisation/simplification) don't lik…

That’s a good perspective to bring! One question, though: do you think it would make the rest of your comment materially worse communication if you added just one excessively positive but non-load-bearing sentence at the beginning? Maybe something like “That’s a good perspective to bring!” Maybe that’s not the way you communicate most sincerely, the way it is for me and others. Maybe I sound insincere to you right no…

Interesting!

If we can be honest with one another though, your comment reads to me as not just insincere, but condescending. This might be cultural more than ..'genderal' - I was hearing echoes of 'thank you so much! You're so welcome!' familiar from even the most mundane interactions in the US. (It's quite jarring when you say 'thanks', for having been sold something in a shop say, expecting to leave it at that, to be told you're so welcome.)

What I was intending to get at above was that if I have a duty to communicate with you as you'd like to be communicated with(!), then surely you would also want to reciprocate? If there are just these two 'communication personas' on the team, and they're evenly split, isn't it a lot of effort for nothing, aren't we better off using what makes most sense to us personally, since just as many others agree as disagree anyway?

Re: How to communicate when trust is low without digging yourself into a deeper hole

#100

Post by barrysteve »

JohnFen wrote: post #30
ketzo wrote: post #18

> TRY TO SOUND FRIENDLY. > Say "please" and "thank you"... use emojis... I'll add to this one -- use exclamation points! It's actually ridiculous how effective all these little things are. In my experience, men, engineers, and especially engineers who are men tend to think of this as unnecessary fluff. They often decline to add these little social niceties because to them, they sound inauthentic. That's not a charact…

I think people forget that the written word has a tendency to come across stern unless you make an effort to soften it. I know I forget this. There have been numerous times even here on HN where people have thought I was being critical or argumentative when that wasn't remotely what I was trying to communicate.

It is difficult to convey subtle meaning and tone in text.

The more literal I make my sentences, the more easily I can unequivocally communicate a single meaning.

I don't think it's a good writing technique to adopt, and I cannot wait until tonality and humour returns to global conversations by default.

Usually you can rely on knowing what the person likes and their taste to effectively communicate nuance.

Not as easy to do lately. The 'globalism culture' has waned and there's not much common ground to relate to across countries and cultures.

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