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How to communicate when trust is low without digging yourself into a deeper hole

charity.wtf

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Re: How to communicate when trust is low without digging yourself into a deeper hole

#21

Post by ketzo »

TylerE wrote: post #20
ketzo wrote: post #18

> TRY TO SOUND FRIENDLY. > Say "please" and "thank you"... use emojis... I'll add to this one -- use exclamation points! It's actually ridiculous how effective all these little things are. In my experience, men, engineers, and especially engineers who are men tend to think of this as unnecessary fluff. They often decline to add these little social niceties because to them, they sound inauthentic. That's not a charact…

That's a cultural thing. In many cultures exclamation points come across as demands/accusations, not emphasis.

That's fair, I'm writing from a West-Coast-USA-tech-company perspective.

An exclamation point from a partner at a law firm... probably hits a little different!

But in more informal communication, I think exclamation points are good because they help convey tone and energy in a way that is often lacking. It helps break up a message that can otherwise feel flat and cold.

Re: How to communicate when trust is low without digging yourself into a deeper hole

#22

Post by vonwoodson »

testfoobar wrote: post #16

This is all well and good advice. But sometimes you have to work with people who demonstrate traits of Narcissism Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder. E.g. someone who never accepts responsibility or someone frequently demonstrating emotional lability. I am not sure the best course of action in these situations.

If you're dealing with someone who has a mental illness then "the rules" are different. Folks throw words like "Narcissism" around when they don't really mean it. Communicating with someone with a mental illness is difficult at the best of times and you should not hold yourself to such a high standard that you will be good at communicating with them; It's not your responsibility to be able to handle every situation, especially from reading a blog post.

Re: How to communicate when trust is low without digging yourself into a deeper hole

#23

Post by tptacek »

nelsondev wrote: post #15

I wish this article wasn’t helpful. But I find myself using these tactics around thin-skinned colleagues, who need little pats on the head.

We're all thin-skinned at times, which is why this article's take is so valuable, and it's helpful to just be careful with everybody, or at least have a set of tools ready to deploy if you manage to step in it, or someone manages to step in it with you.

Re: How to communicate when trust is low without digging yourself into a deeper hole

#24

Post by TylerE »

breakingwalls wrote: post #6
glonq wrote: post #2

How timely. My boss just crucified a co-worker today in our meeting and I think something like this could help mend things. Yes, my boss never heard of " praise in public criticize in private ". Welcome to working with a hot-blooded eastern european

Very timely for me as well, have been having tough time with my partner especially about how unfriendly and critical I sound, even though my intentions are for general improvement and well being around home.

There is little less welcome than unsolicited "advice", especially coming from the person and place that are supposed to be the refuge from all the shit going on in the world.

Re: How to communicate when trust is low without digging yourself into a deeper hole

#25

Post by tptacek »

OJFord wrote: post #10

I thought I was going to like this, but other than 'Give people the opening to do better' section, the advised interactions seem not great to me? e.g. I want to say something, but I am having a hard time with it. I have something to say, but I don’t know how you’ll take it. I need to tell you something and I am anxious about your reaction. are (1) making me anxious while I wait for you to say whatever it is; (2) abso…

I unreservedly love this article and found a lot of it valuable despite decades of career experience stepping in it with coworkers (and vice versa).

But I agree with you about up-front acknowledgements of hard conversations. They're the workplace equivalent of "we need to talk". I'm an anxious person by nature, so "we need to talk" is about the most painful thing you can say to me: my mind will immediately project out the worst possible case, and the relief I get when your real issue is nowhere nearly that bad isn't going to fully absorb the cortisol the opening generates for me.

Fortunately, the article anticipates this, and you've misread it a bit. Notice the headline for the follow-up is "OR check in afterwards", not "AND check in afterwards".

Checking in afterwards is the right alternative when you're working with me. It might not be with other people.

And, the straightforward answer to the question your comment asks: yes. Yes, you have to make them feel better about it. When you're working on a team, part of your responsibility as a team member is to keep relationships working smoothly.

To put it in Reddit parlance: if someone steps in it with you, and then asks you to make them feel better about it afterwards, and you get irritated about the check-in: YTA. Not ESH: YTA. They did the right thing by (1) being concerned they handled the initial interaction poorly and (2) following up on it to clear the air. You'd have punished them for doing the right thing, which is worse than handling the initial interaction poorly!

Re: How to communicate when trust is low without digging yourself into a deeper hole

#26

Post by TylerE »

dilyevsky wrote: post #13

From experience CC advice and other similar corp bs techniques are like “self defense class” techniques of communication meaning they only work if the other party is well meaning and actively cooperating. Which is to say they rarely work even if properly executed.

Sort of like how MMA showed that most of the traditional martial arts aren't actually good except as exercise.

Re: How to communicate when trust is low without digging yourself into a deeper hole

#27

Post by tptacek »

dilyevsky wrote: post #13

From experience CC advice and other similar corp bs techniques are like “self defense class” techniques of communication meaning they only work if the other party is well meaning and actively cooperating. Which is to say they rarely work even if properly executed.

If your team is mostly comprised of people operating in bad faith, no advice (other than "disband") is going to help you. The premise of this article is that you have a team operating in good faith, but with fragile trust, which is a much more common problem in startups than a team of vipers.

Re: How to communicate when trust is low without digging yourself into a deeper hole

#28

Post by m0llusk »

The Center for Nonviolent Communication has some potentially useful ideas about this: https://www.cnvc.org/

Start with active listening by not interrupting and then confirm with the speaker what you think you heard them say. And so on. There is a community apart from the web site and the core book is worth a read.

Re: How to communicate when trust is low without digging yourself into a deeper hole

#29

Post by _yb2s »

testfoobar wrote: post #16

This is all well and good advice. But sometimes you have to work with people who demonstrate traits of Narcissism Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder. E.g. someone who never accepts responsibility or someone frequently demonstrating emotional lability. I am not sure the best course of action in these situations.

Yes, this advice is counter-productive at best for dealing with a narcissist. They will re-frame your efforts to be friendly and not abrasive into an admission of guilt over whatever the problem at hand is. In those cases, if you can't avoid communicating, just be neutral and stick to plainly stating the facts of whatever you must talk about.

Re: How to communicate when trust is low without digging yourself into a deeper hole

#30

Post by JohnFen »

ketzo wrote: post #18

> TRY TO SOUND FRIENDLY. > Say "please" and "thank you"... use emojis... I'll add to this one -- use exclamation points! It's actually ridiculous how effective all these little things are. In my experience, men, engineers, and especially engineers who are men tend to think of this as unnecessary fluff. They often decline to add these little social niceties because to them, they sound inauthentic. That's not a charact…

I think people forget that the written word has a tendency to come across stern unless you make an effort to soften it.

I know I forget this. There have been numerous times even here on HN where people have thought I was being critical or argumentative when that wasn't remotely what I was trying to communicate.

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