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Never waste a midlife crisis

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Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#211

Post by za3faran »

jodacola wrote: post #127

I turned 40 last year, shortly after “making it” to my career goal: CTO of a hyper-growth start-up. Shortly after my birthday, my daughter, who had just started middle school, was hospitalized because she was suicidal. What I believe has been a midlife crisis exploded with such tremendous force, I thought I was losing my mind. Thank goodness for good therapy, which I immediately sought. This is the most profound reco…

Sorry to hear about you and your daughter, and I hope you're both doing better. Was she a heavy social media/cell phone user? It's been shown to cause mental issues in teens, especially girls.

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#212

Post by snek_case »

shannifin wrote: post #122

I'm not sure I understand what exactly the advice is. Is it just "don't be afraid to do something risky, as you might regret not going for it"? That doesn't seem helpful to me, I can easily regret doing something I really wanted to do before. "I can be penniless or I can be bitter." Why not both? If I try something risky and fail and end up penniless, I'll be penniless and bitter.

That's true. I agree that taking big financial risks, especially later in life, is not necessarily the best advice. Risk is relative though. Plenty of people in this thread talking about programming projects they've been working on for years and have rewritten multiple times, never releasing anything. What would have been the risk in releasing something earlier?

I have a friend who is a musician. He obsessed over individual songs that he produces for months, and doesn't release very much. I think he has this idea that he's going to be hugely successful someday, but I keep telling him, I think you would build more of a following if you released more of your work. The worst that could happen is that people don't like it that much, but there's something about getting used to putting yourself out.

There are also people who dream of a better work environment and never apply for other jobs. It can be risky to just quit your job when you have a family to care for, but it's often possible to interview in other places without leaving your current job.

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#213

Post by p1esk »

ctrlp wrote: post #163
p1esk wrote: post #149

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Think about the life your typical therapist is leading What kind of life are they leading?

If they are performing according to the profession's own standards, then they spend their working days involved in other people's problems, delusions, traumas, grievances, morbidities, obsessions, suicides, etc, (not to mention various mental disorders). This probably accounts for high rates of burnout among them. But, ask yourself, what about the ones who don't burn out? What is it about them that allows them to do…

I bet a lot of people will find that more interesting, meaningful, and fulfilling than what software engineers do.

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#214

Post by za3faran »

xyzelement wrote: post #2

I wonder if the mid life crisis is a completely modern and secular malady. Thinking to my religious friends who have 5+ kids, a rich spiritual life and deep engagement with community, it's very hard to imagine them going through one. Because they are too busy, but mainly because their life is oriented from the get-go around what is very meaningful to them

Yes I wouldn't be surprised at all. It's easy to see how much lower suicide rates are for example in so called "third world" countries that have been war torn, due to no small part by Western colonialism, compared to "advanced first world" countries, which are generally highly secular and have higher standards of living. Believing in God plays a major role in maintaining mental sanity, particularly in the faces of challenges.

Personally speaking, Islam has helped me and many others I have either personally observed or heard about navigate far from ideal circumstances. I've known people who have lost spouses, children, or even entire close families, yet they remain steadfast and strong.

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#215

Post by BOOSTERHIDROGEN »

shannifin wrote: post #129
nytesky wrote: post #110

Midlife crisis is about recognizing your mortality and limited time left, and looking at what you have done and finding it comes up short to what you hoped for your life. The reality of how little time you have left is a key component, that death is stalking every decision and will likely curtail some plans.

This is true, but I find it's also difficult to really judge the worth of what I've done in life. My mind's default for judging is: "Was my work popular? Did it make good money?" And all my endeavors have certainly failed in those regards. But of course there are many things we do in daily life that can hardly be judged that way, and whose effects we cannot see.

The Qur’an uses the term al-dunya for life on this earth. The word dunya means “nearer” or “something less important or ordinary.” In multiple places, the Qur’an comments on the real nature of life on earth and warns us about its true disposition. It has been described as something of a transient nature, a place of transit, test and trials, and actions. It is also a place for learning, spiritual development and growth. What one achieves here is manifested during the next phase of existence which is a constant, higher and more permanent phase of existence:

And what is the life of this world other than play and amusement? (Qur’an, Surah al-Anʿam, 6:32)

And I created not the jinn and mankind except that they should worship Me (Qur'an, Surah al-Dhariyat - Verses 56)

age of forty has special significance in Islam. Regarding aging, Allah says in the Qur’an, “… until, when he reaches maturity and reaches forty years, he says, ’My Lord, enable me to be grateful for Your favor which You have bestowed upon me and upon my parents, and to work righteousness of which You will approve, and make righteous for me my offspring. Indeed, I have repented to You, and indeed, I am of the Muslims’” (Qur’an, 46:15).

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#217

Post by Dalewyn »

pedrosorio wrote: post #114
atmavatar wrote: post #112

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If he lives in the US, it's pretty close. The life expectancy of a male in the US is 73.5 years. https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/life-expectancy.htm

Middle age is generally not defined as 50% of your life expectancy: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Middle_age

Speaking as a guy in his mid 30s referring to that article, yeah I'm middle aged.

Physical? I can feel and am acutely aware I just can't do what I could 20 or even 10 years ago. No more all-nighters for me, my body just can't take it. No more high speed action games for me, my body just can't respond fast enough.

Mental? My memory is noticably declining, and my ability to learn new things is significantly deteriorated from my prime. I find myself clinging to stuff I already knew because they give me some sense of familiarity and safety in an increasingly alien world.

Social? I've stopped bothering to actively make new friends or otherwise socialize, I just can't be bothered anymore with all the hassle that human relations entail.

If I were to describe my current phase in life as the four seasons, I'm in autumn.

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#218

Post by Toutouxc »

hackly wrote: post #202
xboxnolifes wrote: post #148

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I actually think most kids would prefer a happy in-their-life, less successful, dad, over a bitter, never-in-their-life, career professional.

Yes, but just as they’d prefer playing video games over reading books. Might have been absent from their life at times, but I’m sure they’ll appreciate the properties and stocks I’ll leave behind for them.

What makes you so sure? Did you discuss this with your kids, if they’re old enough, or with your friends’ older kids?

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#219

Post by Aeolun »

JakeAl wrote: post #205
tayo42 wrote: post #175

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What exactly is a panic attack? Like your just watching TV and suddenly convinced you'll die? Or was it like at work, something woukd happen and you freak out?

It feels like when you're on a plane and it suddenly drops due to turbulence without warning. Only you could be anywhere doing anything.

And it just keeps going.

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#220

Post by selestify »

hackly wrote: post #202
xboxnolifes wrote: post #148

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I actually think most kids would prefer a happy in-their-life, less successful, dad, over a bitter, never-in-their-life, career professional.

Yes, but just as they’d prefer playing video games over reading books. Might have been absent from their life at times, but I’m sure they’ll appreciate the properties and stocks I’ll leave behind for them.

As someone with a friend who grew up under a dad like you… no they won’t. They’ll talk a whole lot of shit to someone like me about what an emotionally unavailable parent you were. Sure, they’ll acknowledge the privileged circumstances they grew up in and be grateful that they at least have that going for them, but not a single shred of that gratitude will extend to you or the decisions you made.

Then again, everyone’s different, and maybe your kids will react differently. Just don’t be surprised if you get a shitty relationship with your kids later on.

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