Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Never waste a midlife crisis

austinkleon.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

201–210 of 461 posts

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#201

Post by mock-possum »

codq wrote: post #34
quickthrower2 wrote: post #23

Midlife crisis needs to be split into the "responsible for kids" and "not" categories. The "not" people can do wilder/riskier things, although I suspect on average they don't since fear of things massively outweighs "can you actually do it" factors. Probably the paper boxes we build are smaller than the metal ones outside of them.

Thank you. I turned 40 this weekend, and have spent the last few months if not years wondering who the hell I am, and thinking about all the cool projects, startups, languages and learnings I'd love to explore. However, I also have a 3-year old I'm taking care of who drains me of all my excess time and energy. I can't do any of this stuff. I'm exhausted at the end of the day, and with my 1-2 hours at the end of night…

You’ll get your time back as he gets older, for sure.

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#202

Post by hackly »

xboxnolifes wrote: post #148
steve_taylor wrote: post #118

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Fulfilment doesn’t feed your children or put a roof over their heads. The expectation is that men provide. The wife and kids would prefer a bitter provider over a happy “deadbeat”.

I actually think most kids would prefer a happy in-their-life, less successful, dad, over a bitter, never-in-their-life, career professional.

Yes, but just as they’d prefer playing video games over reading books. Might have been absent from their life at times, but I’m sure they’ll appreciate the properties and stocks I’ll leave behind for them.

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#203

Post by coel »

andsoitis wrote: post #79
OO000oo wrote: post #77

Earlier quoted context omitted.

38 yo male now starting to think I don’t know what a midlife crisis is.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Midlife_crisis

"Studies indicate that some cultures may be more sensitive to this phenomenon than others; one study found that there is little evidence that people undergo midlife crises in Japanese and Indian cultures, raising the question of whether a mid-life crisis is mainly a cultural construct."

I thought this was interesting.

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#204

Post by dotnet00 »

xyzelement wrote: post #121
UncleOxidant wrote: post #4

Earlier quoted context omitted.

When those 5+ kids move out of the house, that's when those guys tend to have their midlife crisis.

I think it's again a modern secular assumption that your kids move out and there's some sort of deep emptiness. The traditional expectation is that your kids move out to be married and bless you with grandchildren, not to abandon you to rot.

I don't see how the kids "blessing" their parents with grandchildren matters much. My parents had a hard time adapting after I, as the youngest, also moved out and finally started being able to support myself, even though they had grandchildren from my eldest sibling to think about.

In the end, for them the point still stands that their own kids are adults now, and while grandchildren are fun to take care of, they aren't typically the same amount of responsibility on grandparents as on parents. It still leads to suddenly having time to think about their own life, as well as the freedom to take risks, creating the same room for a crisis.

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#205

Post by JakeAl »

tayo42 wrote: post #175
sph wrote: post #52

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It was being a little cheeky. And if a massive burnout whose first month was having daily panic attacks and 3 years to recover is garden variety, I am afraid to know what a serious one entails ;) Depression was part of the baggage I was carrying around all my life. It's hard to say, given the state of things, but perhaps depression is one thing I was lucky to shed during this phase.

What exactly is a panic attack? Like your just watching TV and suddenly convinced you'll die? Or was it like at work, something woukd happen and you freak out?

It feels like when you're on a plane and it suddenly drops due to turbulence without warning. Only you could be anywhere doing anything.

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#206

Post by detestablelife »

quickthrower2 wrote: post #23

Midlife crisis needs to be split into the "responsible for kids" and "not" categories. The "not" people can do wilder/riskier things, although I suspect on average they don't since fear of things massively outweighs "can you actually do it" factors. Probably the paper boxes we build are smaller than the metal ones outside of them.

Exactly - those with kids and/or those who are poor can’t afford a midlife crisis

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#207

Post by pbourke »

dang wrote: post #137
xyzelement wrote: post #2

I wonder if the mid life crisis is a completely modern and secular malady. Thinking to my religious friends who have 5+ kids, a rich spiritual life and deep engagement with community, it's very hard to imagine them going through one. Because they are too busy, but mainly because their life is oriented from the get-go around what is very meaningful to them

No doubt it takes different forms now than in the 14th century, but Dante began his Inferno with a mid-life crisis: Midway upon the journey of our life I found myself within a dark forest For the straightforward path had been lost.

  A man wakes up in a strange room
  He doesn't recognize the woman next to him
  He gets out of bed, there's a wallet on the dresser
  He opens it up, looks inside at the driver's license in there with his face on it
  And someone else's name

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#208

Post by nraford »

quickthrower2 wrote: post #23

Midlife crisis needs to be split into the "responsible for kids" and "not" categories. The "not" people can do wilder/riskier things, although I suspect on average they don't since fear of things massively outweighs "can you actually do it" factors. Probably the paper boxes we build are smaller than the metal ones outside of them.

Normalize transition in your kids lives'. It will serve them so much better in the long run.

I had my own dramatic "mid-life crisis" a few years ago in my early 40's and have two teenage kids (pre-teen at the time).

We didn't hide anything from them, including the overall shape of the career issues, relationship issues, hopes and dreams, how we were handling regrets and commitments, and so on.

Of course we didn't involve them in all the nitty gritty (and what we shared, we do so with respect to their relative ages and levels of experience), but the idea that hiding what it means to be a complete, imperfect and yet aspirationally evolving human being from your kids is a major opportunity lost.

Now my kids know that just being successful doesn't mean you're happy, that everyone goes through changes of heart, that our goals and dreams evolve, and that this is a natural part of life.

I'm a huge fan of parental role modelling through action and reflective practice. Showing them how you go through your own life transitions helps them tremendously in theirs.

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#209

Post by morsch »

ctrlp wrote: post #163
p1esk wrote: post #149

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Think about the life your typical therapist is leading What kind of life are they leading?

If they are performing according to the profession's own standards, then they spend their working days involved in other people's problems, delusions, traumas, grievances, morbidities, obsessions, suicides, etc, (not to mention various mental disorders). This probably accounts for high rates of burnout among them. But, ask yourself, what about the ones who don't burn out? What is it about them that allows them to do…

By the same token, avoid seeing oncologists, EMTs, many kinds of surgeons. These people see death every day, ask yourself why: they must have a sick fascination with it. Or they stopped caring. Is that something you want in someone caring for you?

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#210

Post by heyoni »

NovaDudely wrote: post #190
heyoni wrote: post #147

Earlier quoted context omitted.

So, not for naught? Seriously, we’re social creatures that live for others. You can have 40 good years serving the next generation, building wealth for them and sharing in their joys. I’m sensing this strange notion in older generations where they absolutely refuse to let go and insist on keeping their youth and the spotlight to no or some avail. Technology is getting better and making people hold on for longer but I…

Funnily enough this is a sentiment Ted Kaczynski pushed in his manifesto. That technology has replaced the drive for power in individuals to support themselves, because it has become so easy, so people try to find other means to fill the power principal. This can be social causes or political ones, or in your example, trying to hold onto youth for as long as possible. To be in denial of the reality of themselves. The…

I’ve got parents on both sides that are too busy going on cruises and vacations and only call us for the good times, so yea I can be pessimistic these days.

Friends and siblings though have been coming through like champs during these hard times.

Post reply on HN