Kokuhaku: Japan’s Love Confessing Culture (2013) • Hacker News Board

Re: Kokuhaku: Japan’s Love Confessing Culture (2013)

#131

Post by solardev » Tue, Jul 04, 2023, 7:09 AM UTC

illiac786 wrote: post #130

solardev wrote: post #128

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Sorry, but I don't see how this is trolling. In the US, it's expected that sex will happen early in a relationship, before it becomes serious or long term, and would be one of the criteria for determining whether that relationship should get more committed. (Edit: Unless those involved are very Christian, in which case a different pattern plays out, but that's not the point here) If that's not how it works in Japan,…

ah, sorry, now I see what you mean. I think the mistunderstanding is on the word “serious” here. I think the OP means “serious” as in “we are seriously commited to try”, not as in “we garantee it will last a decade or more”. Also, let’s both acknowledge that serious relationships without sex are possible and not even rare. I mean, I have relatives who married again at 75, and it certainly wasn’t for the sex. sorry, I…

It's okay. It's hard to gauge tone online in the best circumstances, and the HN threading isn't super obvious. No worries.

I was just curious how the Japanese handle those "ah, you're great but... the sex was not" situations, especially being a high context and super polite society. Like do they just culturally place less weight on it, and accept that they're going to not enjoy sex much, and that's okay if the rest of the relationship is great? Do they communicate about it and try to improve it? It's hard to imagine sex therapy in that culture. Are things changing with the younger generations? Etc. I want to learn about these nuances (just out of curiosity).

And yeah, I can believe there are romantic relationships where sex isn't the primary driver, especially when you're older, but I think by and large that is no longer the norm in the US. We use hookups as a "trial run" for more serious relationships... even if sex isn't the only consideration, it at least a major one for most Americans, I think. But we're also a more individualistic and hedonistic culture than the Japanese, so I'm curious how it works there. What we might call "sex positive"... is that even a thing there?

Re: Kokuhaku: Japan’s Love Confessing Culture (2013)

#132

Post by blown_gasket » Tue, Jul 04, 2023, 1:33 PM UTC

mock-possum wrote: post #113

blown_gasket wrote: post #7

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I hold the opposite opinion to most of this. Text messaging, yes is asynchronous - but you don't know what the settings of the persons device are. They could have forgotten or not have quite hours set and now it is very much a synchronous notification even if it's not synchronous communication. Sending delayed - again things happen. I would rather send a delayed message when I am in full control of the situation rath…

Yeah but that assumes you know better than your recipient whether they should like to know that you’ve texted them. That’s a bad habit to get into. Let people manage the settings on their own devices - whether they’ve forgotten to set their quiet hours is not your concern. Trust other people to take care of their own responsibilities. If they mess up, they deal with the consequences - it’s not your problem. If they f…

It is my concern because relationships are built on trust. One can assume that everyone has a smartphone today and they know how to manage the settings on their devices. This is not the case. Technology agnostic - settings are either there or not. It is up to me as the sender and the one that would like to maintain respect, to be respectful with my communication. Which is to not begin or continue communication when it is not of the appropriate time.

Re: Kokuhaku: Japan’s Love Confessing Culture (2013)

#133

Post by lmm » Thu, Jul 06, 2023, 4:11 AM UTC

solardev wrote: post #129

lmm wrote: post #122

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Common interests, shared life goals, all the usual things you care about in a partner. A confession doesn't mean you're married, but it means you're serious.

Are those things considered way more important than sexual compatibility then? What happens if they eventually have sex and one partner is severely disappointed, but they've already invested so much into the relationship?

> Are those things considered way more important than sexual compatibility then?

I wouldn't say "way more important", but I think people would rather have a partner who they fit well together with as a household, enjoy spending time with, raise children well together (or not, if that's what they're after) etc. and have mediocre sex than someone who they had great sex with but didn't have a great relationship outside the bedroom.

(If you want to be cynical you could say it's because Japanese culture puts less emphasis on sexual fidelity, particularly in the case of paid sex workers; while a lot of westerners overstate how common or normal it is, it's certainly not unknown to have a more-or-less happy marriage where one or both partners are having sex outside and this is known and accepted by the other)

> What happens if they eventually have sex and one partner is severely disappointed, but they've already invested so much into the relationship?

Either you decide you can live with that, or you can't and you break up, which is presumably the same thing that happens if Americans date for a while and then find out they have incompatible life plans. To me it be worse to get invested in your relationship with someone who you have great sex with and then you find out one of you wants kids and the other doesn't, or one of you wants a high-income lifestyle and the other doesn't want the stress, or you never find the same things funny, or...

(I wouldn't say it's a huge investment - we're talking a few months of dating and going exclusive with that person. But you've got to put in a bit of sincerity)