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Kokuhaku: Japan’s Love Confessing Culture (2013)

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Re: Kokuhaku: Japan’s Love Confessing Culture (2013)

#21

Post by girvo »

nonethewiser wrote: post #15
FooBarWidget wrote: post #13

> In Western culture, if someone suddenly and unexpectedly confessed this to you so quickly you would start running, I think. As a Chinese I can't wrap my head around the concept of running away because someone loves you. So to enter a relationship with someone you have to not love them while still loving them...?! Do western people all have fear of commitment? I'm just glad I'm married now (to a Chinese girl) and no…

Surely you can think of some example of coming on too strong.

The article itself even has a half dozen examples of (Japanese) men doing exactly that.

Re: Kokuhaku: Japan’s Love Confessing Culture (2013)

#22

Post by userbinator »

FooBarWidget wrote: post #11
jtriangle wrote: post #8

Earlier quoted context omitted.

'Do not disturb' settings have been granular enough for awhile now, such that this is no longer a problem unless you want it to be.

It might surprise you how many people don't know how to, or don't bother with, setting DnD. Or they simply forgot this time to enable it. Sure you can blame the other person. But what good outcome do you gain by such an attitude?

Sure you can blame the other person. But what good outcome do you gain by such an attitude?

People need to learn to take control of their situation and not rely on others to do it for them? That seems to be the norm in Western cultures, at least.

Re: Kokuhaku: Japan’s Love Confessing Culture (2013)

#23

Post by layer8 »

rowanG077 wrote: post #12
coldtea wrote: post #6

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Not the point of the article, but this is a personal bugbear of mine - no it wasn't. Text-based communication is asynchronous. That's irrelevant. They still get a notification to disturb them, they still can see it when looking at their phone, they can still be concerned about the content and how to respond later even if they don't answer, they can still be concerned about the content even if they don't read it, th…

They get a notification if they have chosen to receive notifications. It's not like the sender forces themselves upon someone else.

Note that the article is from 2013, when automatic silencing of notifications at night was still relatively new. Do Not Disturb on iOS was just introduced one year prior. Previously you wouldn’t message someone at inappropriate hours, just like you wouldn’t call them.

Re: Kokuhaku: Japan’s Love Confessing Culture (2013)

#24

Post by PartiallyTyped »

linguae wrote: post #3

As an American who spends a lot of time traveling to Japan and who had experience living there (and who has dreams of moving back there once I pay off my student loans), I’ve done this type of confession twice; it’s quite different from the ambiguity that often occurs with forming relationships in America where people don’t know exactly where they stand. While it doesn’t remove all ambiguity (does she like me? Why is…

The same perspective exists in multiple places in Europe as far as I can tell. It certainly does where I come from.

Re: Kokuhaku: Japan’s Love Confessing Culture (2013)

#25

Post by soraminazuki »

theogravity wrote: post #2

I read carefully the first half of the article then scanned the rest, so I may have missed it; it didn't seem to also mention "The moon is beautiful, isn't it?", which is a poetic way of saying I love you as well: https://www.tsuki.world/world/the-moon-is-beautiful-isnt-it https://www.wikihow.com/The-Moon-Is-Beautiful-Isn%27t-It

As mentioned in the link, that comes from classic literature so it might not be super common knowledge. Looking it up turns up a bunch of "what does it mean" articles.

https://duckduckgo.com/?q=月が綺麗ですね&kl=jp-jp&kp=-1&ia=web

Re: Kokuhaku: Japan’s Love Confessing Culture (2013)

#27

Post by layer8 »

jtriangle wrote: post #8
SoftTalker wrote: post #5

Earlier quoted context omitted.

No, I think it's inconsiderate to text people when they are likely sleeping. If you have kids/family you typically don't silence your phone at night in case there's an emergency. So if I get a text at 03:00 I'm likely to wake up and look at it. You're the one sending the message, so you're the one who should wait to do it when it it will be convenient for the recipient. If you're texting me in the middle of sleeping…

'Do not disturb' settings have been granular enough for awhile now, such that this is no longer a problem unless you want it to be.

Note that the article is ten years old, and the recounted event would have been even longer ago.

Re: Kokuhaku: Japan’s Love Confessing Culture (2013)

#28

Post by rhn_mk1 »

lb4r wrote: post #9
scubbo wrote: post #4

> it was kind of rude to send a text to people while they are probably sleeping Not the point of the article, but this is a personal bugbear of mine - no it wasn't. Text-based communication is asynchronous. It's rude to _expect_ that someone is present and available if you message them out of the blue (or, rather - rude to get upset if they don't immediately reply), but it's not rude to send the message in the first…

I'd say it's up to the individual whether they find something rude or not. It's not an objective truth, and it certainly varies between cultures. On top of that, different forms of communication have different conventions and practices. Slack is different from normal texts, which are different from emails, and so on, and they permeate your life to various degrees.

It's rather meaningless to let the receiver decide. It means that the only safe-not-to-be-rude option is to adhere to the strictest interpretation of rudeness. At the extreme sensitivity, you basically can't communicate with anyone unless you ask their preferences beforehand over a confirmed-not-rude channel.

Following this direction puts the default for each medium, regardless of its properties, into "it's rude to attempt communication".

IMO, it's overkill. We invented communication to communicate, and we built in things like being asynchronous to some forms of communication. So we should not give them up just because someone might find it rude. There's a level after which the sender should have more say over what is rude than the receiver.

Re: Kokuhaku: Japan’s Love Confessing Culture (2013)

#29

Post by kbenson »

cj wrote: post #16
scubbo wrote: post #4

> it was kind of rude to send a text to people while they are probably sleeping Not the point of the article, but this is a personal bugbear of mine - no it wasn't. Text-based communication is asynchronous. It's rude to _expect_ that someone is present and available if you message them out of the blue (or, rather - rude to get upset if they don't immediately reply), but it's not rude to send the message in the first…

Whenever I use delayed send at work, it’s for optics. If I’m working outside of business hours (a few instances per week) I don’t like to slack my direct reports because I personally don’t want to create an “always on” culture at our company. If your manager messages you at all hours of the day and on weekends, it can become unclear whether the same is expected of you. So, I like to delay messages to 8am the next mor…

Yes, where there's a large power imbalance, you have to take that into consideration. I manage people, and if I message one in their off time and it's not an emergency or something I really need them to answer if they see, I'll be careful to state clearly that no reply is needed or we can follow up on Monday or whenever they are next on.

Its the same reason I don't make jokes deprecating them to them within a group (and try not to in private with them). What can be a joint form of bonding where you make light fun of each other can start becoming bullying (even if inadvertently) when one party feels like they aren't free to fire back anymore. I've witnessed that dynamic before, where childhood friends worked with each other and one was the owner and continued the familiar personal reactions while the other started feeling less and less able to interact that way (at least in group settings).

Many of us are somewhat blind to certain power imbalances, others of us are very aware because they deal with it in many aspects of our lives. In any case, it usually matters if there's an imbalance, whether we want it to or not.

Re: Kokuhaku: Japan’s Love Confessing Culture (2013)

#30

Post by bluepizza »

theogravity wrote: post #2

I read carefully the first half of the article then scanned the rest, so I may have missed it; it didn't seem to also mention "The moon is beautiful, isn't it?", which is a poetic way of saying I love you as well: https://www.tsuki.world/world/the-moon-is-beautiful-isnt-it https://www.wikihow.com/The-Moon-Is-Beautiful-Isn%27t-It

That's extremely archaic and specific, and most people wouldn't know about it. I suspect that, if explained, most people would find it off putting.
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