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Kokuhaku: Japan’s Love Confessing Culture (2013)

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Re: Kokuhaku: Japan’s Love Confessing Culture (2013)

#11

Post by FooBarWidget »

jtriangle wrote: post #8
SoftTalker wrote: post #5

Earlier quoted context omitted.

No, I think it's inconsiderate to text people when they are likely sleeping. If you have kids/family you typically don't silence your phone at night in case there's an emergency. So if I get a text at 03:00 I'm likely to wake up and look at it. You're the one sending the message, so you're the one who should wait to do it when it it will be convenient for the recipient. If you're texting me in the middle of sleeping…

'Do not disturb' settings have been granular enough for awhile now, such that this is no longer a problem unless you want it to be.

It might surprise you how many people don't know how to, or don't bother with, setting DnD. Or they simply forgot this time to enable it.

Sure you can blame the other person. But what good outcome do you gain by such an attitude?

Re: Kokuhaku: Japan’s Love Confessing Culture (2013)

#12

Post by rowanG077 »

coldtea wrote: post #6
scubbo wrote: post #4

> it was kind of rude to send a text to people while they are probably sleeping Not the point of the article, but this is a personal bugbear of mine - no it wasn't. Text-based communication is asynchronous. It's rude to _expect_ that someone is present and available if you message them out of the blue (or, rather - rude to get upset if they don't immediately reply), but it's not rude to send the message in the first…

> Not the point of the article, but this is a personal bugbear of mine - no it wasn't. Text-based communication is asynchronous. That's irrelevant. They still get a notification to disturb them, they still can see it when looking at their phone, they can still be concerned about the content and how to respond later even if they don't answer, they can still be concerned about the content even if they don't read it, th…

They get a notification if they have chosen to receive notifications. It's not like the sender forces themselves upon someone else.

Re: Kokuhaku: Japan’s Love Confessing Culture (2013)

#13

Post by FooBarWidget »

> In Western culture, if someone suddenly and unexpectedly confessed this to you so quickly you would start running, I think.

As a Chinese I can't wrap my head around the concept of running away because someone loves you. So to enter a relationship with someone you have to not love them while still loving them...?! Do western people all have fear of commitment?

I'm just glad I'm married now (to a Chinese girl) and not having to deal with this mess.

Re: Kokuhaku: Japan’s Love Confessing Culture (2013)

#14

Post by gautamcgoel »

linguae wrote: post #3

As an American who spends a lot of time traveling to Japan and who had experience living there (and who has dreams of moving back there once I pay off my student loans), I’ve done this type of confession twice; it’s quite different from the ambiguity that often occurs with forming relationships in America where people don’t know exactly where they stand. While it doesn’t remove all ambiguity (does she like me? Why is…

Did the girls accept?

Re: Kokuhaku: Japan’s Love Confessing Culture (2013)

#15

Post by nonethewiser »

FooBarWidget wrote: post #13

> In Western culture, if someone suddenly and unexpectedly confessed this to you so quickly you would start running, I think. As a Chinese I can't wrap my head around the concept of running away because someone loves you. So to enter a relationship with someone you have to not love them while still loving them...?! Do western people all have fear of commitment? I'm just glad I'm married now (to a Chinese girl) and no…

Surely you can think of some example of coming on too strong.

Re: Kokuhaku: Japan’s Love Confessing Culture (2013)

#16

Post by cj »

scubbo wrote: post #4

> it was kind of rude to send a text to people while they are probably sleeping Not the point of the article, but this is a personal bugbear of mine - no it wasn't. Text-based communication is asynchronous. It's rude to _expect_ that someone is present and available if you message them out of the blue (or, rather - rude to get upset if they don't immediately reply), but it's not rude to send the message in the first…

Whenever I use delayed send at work, it’s for optics.

If I’m working outside of business hours (a few instances per week) I don’t like to slack my direct reports because I personally don’t want to create an “always on” culture at our company.

If your manager messages you at all hours of the day and on weekends, it can become unclear whether the same is expected of you. So, I like to delay messages to 8am the next morning, especially if they’re not time sensitive.

Imagine a message “Just a quick reminder that project X is due next week” sent at 7pm on Friday. Unless the person is expected to work over the weekend, why not delay it to 8am Monday?

Re: Kokuhaku: Japan’s Love Confessing Culture (2013)

#17

Post by geraldwhen »

FooBarWidget wrote: post #13

> In Western culture, if someone suddenly and unexpectedly confessed this to you so quickly you would start running, I think. As a Chinese I can't wrap my head around the concept of running away because someone loves you. So to enter a relationship with someone you have to not love them while still loving them...?! Do western people all have fear of commitment? I'm just glad I'm married now (to a Chinese girl) and no…

Yes, many westerners, at least in America, fear commitment. There is a doomed generation that believes they will find their soulmate in their mid 30s and start a family in their mid 40s, despite this being a biological delusion.

Re: Kokuhaku: Japan’s Love Confessing Culture (2013)

#18

Post by vore »

FooBarWidget wrote: post #13

> In Western culture, if someone suddenly and unexpectedly confessed this to you so quickly you would start running, I think. As a Chinese I can't wrap my head around the concept of running away because someone loves you. So to enter a relationship with someone you have to not love them while still loving them...?! Do western people all have fear of commitment? I'm just glad I'm married now (to a Chinese girl) and no…

I love you.

There, did I scare you?

Re: Kokuhaku: Japan’s Love Confessing Culture (2013)

#19

Post by imbnwa »

FooBarWidget wrote: post #13

> In Western culture, if someone suddenly and unexpectedly confessed this to you so quickly you would start running, I think. As a Chinese I can't wrap my head around the concept of running away because someone loves you. So to enter a relationship with someone you have to not love them while still loving them...?! Do western people all have fear of commitment? I'm just glad I'm married now (to a Chinese girl) and no…

Mainstream American culture conceives of amorous relationships as fundamentally a fantasy of fortunate spontaneity, "the stars and planets coming into alignment", rather than something explicitly worked at formally; formalism, explicit terms, these are antagonistic and disrupt this fantasy of things 'just happening', and so have to be carefully approached, if at all.

This is not exhaustive, America is a big place, but in the major cities and on social media you will more often than not come upon this. Hence why you'll hear terms like 'chemistry', 'rizz', 'ick', etc amongst Millennials and Gen Z at least, as these terms describe positive and negative attenuations of the fantasy of spontaneity.

The majority of my co-workers are Tamil and Kaneda folk from India, many of whom are women, who're all in arranged marriages. I learned a lot talking to them about this experience as its mere existence is anathema in mainstream American culture.

Re: Kokuhaku: Japan’s Love Confessing Culture (2013)

#20

Post by userbinator »

rowanG077 wrote: post #12
coldtea wrote: post #6

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Not the point of the article, but this is a personal bugbear of mine - no it wasn't. Text-based communication is asynchronous. That's irrelevant. They still get a notification to disturb them, they still can see it when looking at their phone, they can still be concerned about the content and how to respond later even if they don't answer, they can still be concerned about the content even if they don't read it, th…

They get a notification if they have chosen to receive notifications. It's not like the sender forces themselves upon someone else.

I think this and the other comments here show an important cultural difference: Western culture places more emphasis on personal responsibility: if you don't want to be disturbed, the expectation is that you turn off notifications. Japanese culture seems to be the opposite, in that you expect others to know you do not want to be disturbed, and thus you don't bother with turning off notifications.
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