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What If Friendship, Not Marriage, Was at the Center of Life?

theatlantic.com

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Re: What If Friendship, Not Marriage, Was at the Center of Life?

#261

Post by emodendroket »

bscphil wrote: post #188

I liked this piece a lot. However, I think one failing, which is also tripping up many of the commenters here, is this insistence on ordering one's relationships. Who's my number one? The moment you ask that, you end up with the social norm that one's sexual-romantic partner must be the number one. So you have a ton of people in the comments here who are very defensive of that norm, and you have people like those in…

Once your romantic relationship involves one or more children it feels like it would be hard for it to be second or co-equal to other relationships. If we reframed this to, like, “dad spends most of his time with his buddies instead of his family” I doubt judgments would be favorable.

Re: What If Friendship, Not Marriage, Was at the Center of Life?

#262

Post by emodendroket »

standardUser wrote: post #259
wonderwonder wrote: post #252

Each to their own and more power to these people, though not sure why any potential husband would accept a romantic interest saying: “I need you to know that she’s not going anywhere. She is my No. 1.” For me that is a non starter. I would wish her well and move on. My wife is the most important person to me and the only one I can generally be myself around. Getting married should be a lifelong bond and commitment (o…

I keep reading versions of "friends can come and go", which makes it clear that my experienced with friendship is not universal. I have many friendships that are far longer-lived than my longest relationships and have outlasted several multi-year relationships. Every friend I have consoled during a major break-up - and there have been many - was relying on a friendship that predated and outlasted their serious romant…

My experience has been every time I’ve moved I’ve mostly lost touch with friends and when I see them again we don’t have all that much to talk about. I guess a lot of people just don’t leave their hometowns so that isn’t a consideration in the first place.

Re: What If Friendship, Not Marriage, Was at the Center of Life?

#263

Post by wonderwonder »

standardUser wrote: post #259
wonderwonder wrote: post #252

Each to their own and more power to these people, though not sure why any potential husband would accept a romantic interest saying: “I need you to know that she’s not going anywhere. She is my No. 1.” For me that is a non starter. I would wish her well and move on. My wife is the most important person to me and the only one I can generally be myself around. Getting married should be a lifelong bond and commitment (o…

I keep reading versions of "friends can come and go", which makes it clear that my experienced with friendship is not universal. I have many friendships that are far longer-lived than my longest relationships and have outlasted several multi-year relationships. Every friend I have consoled during a major break-up - and there have been many - was relying on a friendship that predated and outlasted their serious romant…

Very true, each relationship is different. Been with my wife since I was 20 and mid 40's now. So far so good :)

I completely get where you are coming from though. I think for me once I started dating my now wife, all other relationships became less important and drifted away. Not a positive thing, just the reality of what happened. Wouldn't change it for the world though.

Re: What If Friendship, Not Marriage, Was at the Center of Life?

#264

Post by emodendroket »

baq wrote: post #5

Euro perspective: sounds like an american problem of people moving halfway across the country instead of usually settling down nearby with their highschool friends doing mostly the same thing.

Well, the majority of people don’t actually do that anyway. But yes that’s probably a factor. Then again, I didn’t really want to see anyone I knew in high school again by the time I graduated and I don’t feel that much different now. Being able to start over is a luxury.

Re: What If Friendship, Not Marriage, Was at the Center of Life?

#265

Post by paulddraper »

dash2 wrote: post #23

As advanced countries' systems for marriage and child-rearing continue to fail, there is a constant demand for cope. What if we learned to love being single? What if we substitute friendship for marriage? 64 ways to enjoy retirement on your own! This is the collective version of listening to an alcoholic explain why he doesn't have a problem.

Someday, maybe we'll figure out that maybe age-old institutions -- marriages, families, churches, communities, nations -- have irreplaceable roles for the well-being of humanity.

Re: What If Friendship, Not Marriage, Was at the Center of Life?

#266

Post by aeneasmackenzie »

kodah wrote: post #231
gjsman-1000 wrote: post #226

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Then your Catholic school did you wrong. https://www.catholic.com/magazine/online-edition/could-jesus...

That reads like an opinion piece and the etymology of the website is decidedly so: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catholic_Answers Catholics, in fact, are not a monoculture just because they follow the pope. If you travel the coasts, through the South and Midwest you'll see very stark delineations of Catholicism and their beliefs.

The only relevant part of the article is the quote from the Council of Chalcedon:

> Following the holy Fathers, we unanimously teach and confess one and the same Son, our Lord Jesus Christ: the same perfect in divinity and perfect in humanity, the same truly God and truly man, composed of rational soul and body; consubstantial with the Father as to his divinity and consubstantial with us as to his humanity; "like us in all things but sin". He was begotten from the Father before all ages as to his divinity and in these last days, for us and for our salvation, was born as to his humanity of the virgin Mary, the Mother of God.

This is one such stark delineation. All Catholics are required to be inside it.

Re: What If Friendship, Not Marriage, Was at the Center of Life?

#267

Post by ri45 »

nemo44x wrote: post #235
ri45 wrote: post #18

As an adult, friendships keep passing by. All of a sudden a good friend "gets busy" or "life just happens". I really do not believe it anymore, even if people are genuinely busy, the least they can do is spare a few seconds of their day to reply back to a text? After what can only be described as a long "sliding window" of maintaining multiple friendships, seeing one tail expire and me actively trying to build more,…

You need to maintain your friends relationships from younger days. You need to check-in, maintain a social circle, etc. It takes work. The magic is if you keep your core group close (and it's easier today with the Internet to keep in touch) then when you are able to get together (may be once a year!) you'l just pick it up like you hung out yesterday.

I want to maintain these friendships and relationships but after a point, I’m tired of being the first one to reach out all the time, the one word replies, and all the anxiety surrounding their very late replies. There is no such thing as busy, the average American checks their phone 96 times a day. If they want you, they’ll make time for you. It’s heartbreaking when it goes to this from a point where we’d talk for hours. It’s clear they no longer value the friendship and have moved on. Relationships need active effort from both sides to maintain, it’s over the moment one loses interest in maintaining it

Re: What If Friendship, Not Marriage, Was at the Center of Life?

#268

Post by emodendroket »

lordnacho wrote: post #164
baq wrote: post #5

Euro perspective: sounds like an american problem of people moving halfway across the country instead of usually settling down nearby with their highschool friends doing mostly the same thing.

The ultimate is what my childhood friend has done: the entire set of friends minus myself have moved into the same block of flats. Everyone is taking care of each other's kids, they celebrate stuff together in the yard, they catch up with each other every day. Nobody even has a car.

While I’m sure this is charming to some the thought fills me with despair. Horses for courses I guess.

Re: What If Friendship, Not Marriage, Was at the Center of Life?

#269

Post by paulddraper »

jvm___ wrote: post #54
mydriasis wrote: post #28

I don't like anyone as much as I like my wife, straight up. It's incredible to have a partner that acts as my actual 'other half'. We are two sides of the same coin. It's an amazing thing. I can't, nor do I want to, get that close to other people.

That doesn't always happen though. I feel the most lonely when I'm alone with my wife. We can only have a back and forth conversation on topics that interest her, or the day to day of the house/kids, anything outside those things is just never discussed or is a one-way conversation that just dies. I was friendless and grew up with the same 15 boys until the end of highschool, never fit in. Married the first girl who…

> realizing that being married to a 2/10 friend is very lonely

Piece of advice:

One (or both) of you will significantly change your personality and interests, or you will split.

Figure out which option you prefer.

Re: What If Friendship, Not Marriage, Was at the Center of Life?

#270

Post by emodendroket »

ri45 wrote: post #267
nemo44x wrote: post #235

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You need to maintain your friends relationships from younger days. You need to check-in, maintain a social circle, etc. It takes work. The magic is if you keep your core group close (and it's easier today with the Internet to keep in touch) then when you are able to get together (may be once a year!) you'l just pick it up like you hung out yesterday.

I want to maintain these friendships and relationships but after a point, I’m tired of being the first one to reach out all the time, the one word replies, and all the anxiety surrounding their very late replies. There is no such thing as busy, the average American checks their phone 96 times a day. If they want you, they’ll make time for you. It’s heartbreaking when it goes to this from a point where we’d talk for h…

I think sometimes you get into a vicious cycle where it’s been a while and then it feels like you’re imposing to reach out or answer a message you let sit too long.
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