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What If Friendship, Not Marriage, Was at the Center of Life?

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Re: What If Friendship, Not Marriage, Was at the Center of Life?

#151

Post by nathan_compton »

adamrezich wrote: post #138
nathan_compton wrote: post #85

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Uh. Catholicism calls for you to love everyone to the point of torture and death. It is weird that you missed this message. The Catholic line would be something like "God created marriage as a kind of metaphor for your relationship with all people, as a kind of easy arena where you can play out the kind of love that you should extend to the entire world." Jesus, after all, did not die for a wife except in this very m…

Catholicism calls for one to commit to at least one Sacrament of Service: Holy Orders and/or Matrimony.

So? That isn't even a necessary condition for being a good Catholic. It certainly isn't a sufficient one. The message is clear: a good person, from the point of view of Catholicism, is one willing to sacrifice everything, even in a gruesome fashion, for the lowliest person.

Re: What If Friendship, Not Marriage, Was at the Center of Life?

#152

Post by makeitdouble »

nathan_compton wrote: post #72
mydriasis wrote: post #28

I don't like anyone as much as I like my wife, straight up. It's incredible to have a partner that acts as my actual 'other half'. We are two sides of the same coin. It's an amazing thing. I can't, nor do I want to, get that close to other people.

I don't really get this. I'm a 'wife guy' too, but I have no fear of the idea of having other close relationships. Obviously there are elements of my relationship with my wife that are exclusive to that arrangement, but almost by definition, having strong social ties to more people cannot hurt you.

What the parent is describing is not a "close" relationship, it's probably more binding.

To pull out weird analogies, a mother and a fetus share the same system, they're different people but work as a single unit and need to survive together. I think some marriages are in that level of symbiotic relationship, and when it works it's incredible, when it fails it's really really messy.

But it's pretty hard to explain to people that you're seeing the other person as an extension of yourself and think of their well being literally as your own.

Re: What If Friendship, Not Marriage, Was at the Center of Life?

#153

Post by bena »

jvm___ wrote: post #54
mydriasis wrote: post #28

I don't like anyone as much as I like my wife, straight up. It's incredible to have a partner that acts as my actual 'other half'. We are two sides of the same coin. It's an amazing thing. I can't, nor do I want to, get that close to other people.

That doesn't always happen though. I feel the most lonely when I'm alone with my wife. We can only have a back and forth conversation on topics that interest her, or the day to day of the house/kids, anything outside those things is just never discussed or is a one-way conversation that just dies. I was friendless and grew up with the same 15 boys until the end of highschool, never fit in. Married the first girl who…

She probably sees it differently than you do. Because when she wants socialization or interaction with you, she gets it.

Re: What If Friendship, Not Marriage, Was at the Center of Life?

#154

Post by swader999 »

avar wrote: post #60
gjsman-1000 wrote: post #32

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Traditional Catholicism. “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ also loved the church, and delivered himself up for it.” Doesn’t take more than a minute of reflection to figure out why we interpret it this way. Edit @avar to your question ("posting too fast"): https://gist.github.com/gjsman/d928b0db53cc2a4bacf37d4e45543...

I'm an atheist, but this is an honest question: does it? My understanding of catholic doctrine is that Jesus was part of the holy Trinity and knew it before he sacrificed himself. Therefore when he sacrificed himself for humanity he wasn't in the sort of personal danger or at risk of eternal damnation that a mere mortal in his shoes would be. I've always understood that as God making a grand gesture of some sort, not…

Jesus was tempted on the cross by Lucifer and Jesus had free will to choose. God risked it all in that moment.

Re: What If Friendship, Not Marriage, Was at the Center of Life?

#155

Post by willio58 »

BJBBB wrote: post #120

This is an edge case. Marines in particular, and the military members in general, will form a special bond that can seldom be duplicated elsewhere. And that has been my experience. I was among a group of six that met at the schoolhouse after boot camp. We did not get sent to the same units, but we were all PCS'd to the same base. Two of us (not myself) made a career of the corps, and the others went to school after s…

Externally, it seems this bond could be explained by:

1. Everyone is together, away from distractions, and unable to leave easily for months on end

2. You are working toward shared goals

3. You are friendly toward each other

It's a recipe for a strong bond. Another example of this is famous bands. They're constantly traveling for work, together, trying to write more music and become more famous as they go.

Re: What If Friendship, Not Marriage, Was at the Center of Life?

#156

Post by fluoridation »

thomastjeffery wrote: post #61
LocalH wrote: post #20

I don't like the idea that there is a singular "center" of life. Everyone's center is different . Assuming that it's the same for everyone can cause a whole host of problems in people's lives. Societies are so far off from what's truly important in existence, that I fear we may never collectively reach that day where we truly get it right.

Why have a center at all? Relationships are what we do , not what we are.

Given that time and energy are finite and must be allocated, it makes the most sense to dedicate the most to just one or two activities so that they have the most chance of success (by whatever metric the person sets) than to evenly distribute resources among all of them. That one or two activities could be called the person's "centers".

Re: What If Friendship, Not Marriage, Was at the Center of Life?

#157

Post by emaro »

2-718-281-828 wrote: post #19
hef19898 wrote: post #8

Earlier quoted context omitted.

So far I lost more friends in my life than spouses, but I get your point. If it ever comes to that, I at least hope any break will be more or less amicable. No huge interest in finding out so!

losing friends is in my experience a somewhat dynamic and historically plausible process while break ups turn a switch in a woman's brain. i know this won't fare well with many folks to put it that way - but men don't have that switch. a woman turns from one minute to the other into someone else the moment the relationship is over and the only thing you have left to hope for is that this someone isn't going to be you…

I had quite the opposite experience. We're still friends since we ended our 6 year relationship. She is still the person I trust the most, and no one knows me as well. It requires a lot of honest communication. If one betrays the other, obviously that doesn't help.

Relaitonships are complex and diverse and there are many counter examples to what you describe.

Re: What If Friendship, Not Marriage, Was at the Center of Life?

#158

Post by mydriasis »

Mezzie wrote: post #116
mydriasis wrote: post #48

Earlier quoted context omitted.

And that's a shame. I truly think that there's someone like that out there for everyone. I also think it's sad when someone doesn't find that person. I wish that fortune for everyone. And you know -- maybe some people just aren't programmed like that. I happen to be. Maybe some people _do_ get more out of friendships than they would out of a relationship. Really very different strokes, you know? Wild.

> And that's a shame. I truly think that there's someone like that out there for everyone. I also think it's sad when someone doesn't find that person. I wish that fortune for everyone. Centering marriage and romantic relationships means that most people only consider romantic partners as their 'person'. My person is my baby sister. We live together, have co-mingled finances, make long-term plans (including possibly…

That's a super interesting perspective, I hadn't thought about that -- thank you for sharing!

Re: What If Friendship, Not Marriage, Was at the Center of Life?

#159

Post by mydriasis »

makeitdouble wrote: post #152
nathan_compton wrote: post #72

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don't really get this. I'm a 'wife guy' too, but I have no fear of the idea of having other close relationships. Obviously there are elements of my relationship with my wife that are exclusive to that arrangement, but almost by definition, having strong social ties to more people cannot hurt you.

What the parent is describing is not a "close" relationship, it's probably more binding. To pull out weird analogies, a mother and a fetus share the same system, they're different people but work as a single unit and need to survive together. I think some marriages are in that level of symbiotic relationship, and when it works it's incredible, when it fails it's really really messy. But it's pretty hard to explain to…

You're correct, here. We're so close as to be one, which is wild. We are actual extensions of one-another, infinitely on the same page. It's really good stuff.

Re: What If Friendship, Not Marriage, Was at the Center of Life?

#160

Post by lordnacho »

qwerty456127 wrote: post #25
delfinom wrote: post #2

Do I come from an alien universe where people in committed relationships still have friends?

How do you have time for friends besides your spouse after you do jour job, chores, fitness, sleping, education, side projects and random tasks which emerge every now and then? I do have some great friends but only meet them a couple of times a week even though they live very close to me.

You send them memes regularly.

Serious. I have a bunch of social circles that I keep live just by doing this from time to time.

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