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Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

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Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#361

Post by csallen »

golergka wrote: post #244
csallen wrote: post #4

> "Researchers also find that when we develop groups, our friendships are more sustainable than they are with individuals. Because there's multiple touch points now, right? Someone else in the group could reach out to all of us, and then we all keep in touch." This is the most important tip in the article, in my experience. When I lived in SF, most of my friend hangs were 1-on-1 catchups over coffee or lunch. Schedul…

There's an easy lifehack to get around it: host parties and introduce your friends to one another. I've done it multiple times in the past, and there's at least two married couples that I've introduced to each other.

Yes, I do a lot of these! Very chill house "parties" with a handful of people.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#362

Post by csallen »

pengaru wrote: post #100
csallen wrote: post #4

> "Researchers also find that when we develop groups, our friendships are more sustainable than they are with individuals. Because there's multiple touch points now, right? Someone else in the group could reach out to all of us, and then we all keep in touch." This is the most important tip in the article, in my experience. When I lived in SF, most of my friend hangs were 1-on-1 catchups over coffee or lunch. Schedul…

How is this not just tribalism vs. meaningful 1-on-1 connections?

There's nothing wrong with having meaningful 1-on-1 connections. But how many of those can you really have in your life, simultaneously?

Read the other comments on this article, and there are so many men in their 30s, 40s, 50s+ saying that they have a partner, a sibling or two, and 0-2 friends, and that's enough, they feel saturated and don't want anymore friends. In my opinion, this is because they're treating every relationship as if it has to be the highest level of meaningful 1-on-1 connection.

I'm super duper close to my brother, my girlfriend, my mom, and to one high school buddy of mine, to the point where we talk for hours a week, every week. Beyond that, I have lots of friends, literally several dozen friends, many of whom I absolutely love, and who I've gotten super vulnerable with, who feel comfortable dropping by unannounced. But I don't make a big deal out of needing to hang out with them 1-on-1 all the time.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#363

Post by csallen »

lannisterstark wrote: post #141
pengaru wrote: post #100

Earlier quoted context omitted.

How is this not just tribalism vs. meaningful 1-on-1 connections?

It is. OP probably isn't thinking(or cares about, if I were to be cynical) about the people in the group who are peer-pressured into joining (by some of their other 'friends' probably) and are just anxious/awkward throughout but can't/don't want to say anything.

I haven't experienced anyone in my friend group being pressured by others to join into group activities, and I'm pretty perceptive about interpersonal issues.

More commonly what I've seen happen is occasionally two people I'm friends with don't get along with each other, and have negative feelings coming to events/hangs where the other person will be there.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#364

Post by csallen »

simonh wrote: post #210
csallen wrote: post #4

> "Researchers also find that when we develop groups, our friendships are more sustainable than they are with individuals. Because there's multiple touch points now, right? Someone else in the group could reach out to all of us, and then we all keep in touch." This is the most important tip in the article, in my experience. When I lived in SF, most of my friend hangs were 1-on-1 catchups over coffee or lunch. Schedul…

Groups is an important point I think, preferably based on a common interest. I'm fortunate in that I'm a tabletop gamer, and as it's an inherently social activity I've always been able to find a roleplaying games group or club wherever I've moved. I'd be interested if there are any other hobbies or interests that have a similar built in social component?

Poker! I had an awesome group of poker friends in SF, maybe 10-12 of us who'd play regularly, although on any given weekend it'd only be 4-8 who'd show up. We'd sit around a table playing poker for hours and hours, and after half a year, we were pretty close!

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#365

Post by musicale »

> "I met somebody several years ago that I thought I might get to be friends with and invited them out to have coffee with me. I was told that this person really had all the friends that they need.”

:(

> "it’s of the utmost importance for people like Troxel to keep putting themselves out there."

I wonder what happened to him.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#366

Post by thimkerbell »

thimkerbell wrote: post #150
legerdemain wrote: post #95

Earlier quoted context omitted.

For a while, that was my strategy to cultivate a social life: organizing brunches with 6-10 former teammates and acquaintances. As social occasions, the brunches didn't lead to anything in my life. The guests made extremely generic smalltalk. I don't know if anyone had fun. I didn't get invited to anything else in those people's lives. I was kind of glad that COVID killed the brunches because of how fruitless they we…

I would like to know how people do salons that work.

For Salons, "conversational doorknobs"? https://www.experimental-history.com/p/good-conversations-ha...

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#367

Post by rjh29 »

baby wrote: post #359
rjh29 wrote: post #356

Earlier quoted context omitted.

True friends do not need feeding, you can go a year without seeing each other and catch up and be right back to where you were before. And most of my 1:1 friends, I talk to regularly anyway because I want to. I've known these people for decades. So your comment about closed systems doesn't ring true to me at all.

This really doesn’t sound like a healthy ideal to me, and if I remember correctly there was this paper that would detect elevated risk of suicides by analyzing social graphs and finding nodes that weren’t part of any cliques. So that should imply that this is not good for anyone.

What percentage of those people want more friends or friendship time than they have access to? What percentage have a mental illness like depression or anxiety, or alcoholism that would cause them to spend more time alone?

I'm open to the idea that my suicide risk is higher by not having a large group support network, but I enjoy being alone and I enjoy 1:1 time enormously more than being in groups, and overall I think my quality of life is higher with this choice. Everyone is different of course.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#368

Post by twixfel »

majikaja wrote: post #350
twixfel wrote: post #224

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Casting friendship as "emotional co-dependency" is surely the height of combined individualism and cynicism. You may have no time for friendship, but lots of people do.

I could have been more cynical. I could have said it's often a means of collusion to allow certain regions of the population to elevate their status within the wider group and take advantage of those who are not as well connected. Or simply for people to turn their surroundings into an echo chamber.

Yes and you could have just advocated for global nuclear war because nothing matters anyway. Good show.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#369

Post by doktorhladnjak »

o10449366 wrote: post #40

The article is right that intentionality in relationships is critical. I think it's a commonly romanticized view that relationships shouldn't feel like "work" if they're good relationships, but I think that view does a disservice to the effort that goes into building a deep and fulfilling connection. Lifelong connections don't happen by accident. I also agree with csallen's comment. Introducing my friends to each oth…

> it's a commonly romanticized view that relationships shouldn't feel like "work" if they're good relationships

But I've already got a job and other life chores to deal with day in and day out that are stressful and exhausting. What's the point of friendship if it's just more of the same?

Sometimes I do think I want friends. Then I read threads like this and I'm not so sure.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#370

Post by e40 »

shalmanese wrote: post #35
csallen wrote: post #4

> "Researchers also find that when we develop groups, our friendships are more sustainable than they are with individuals. Because there's multiple touch points now, right? Someone else in the group could reach out to all of us, and then we all keep in touch." This is the most important tip in the article, in my experience. When I lived in SF, most of my friend hangs were 1-on-1 catchups over coffee or lunch. Schedul…

One thing I found strange about SF is that I never found a group that would do the weekly hang. The weekly hang is a socially porous experience, it has a fixed location and fixed start time but everything else is improvised. Different people could dip in and out, people felt free to bring new friends, people they just started dating, friends from out of town etc. Some people came once and never again, others become r…

I think a weekly hang is really nice. My best friend and I would walk on Sunday morning. Did it for 8+ years until he fell ill and passed away. I really miss those Sundays.
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