Earlier quoted context omitted.
Yes, it should be at a park. What sort of activity?
The traditional activity in Dolores Park is sitting on a beach towel while smoking pot.
Perhaps a different park then.
Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)
351–360 of 371 posts
Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)
#352Earlier quoted context omitted.
I had in friends in SF that tried, I just couldn't get on board with their concept of fun I wasn't into board game night, I also tried DnD which was ok but what an arduous turn based system and ritual, the weeknight bars were meh (to me), weeknight nightlife was pathetic compared to actual “world class” cities, some of my friends did well in the bouldering scene, there was a time when I was interested in free pizza a…
Sounds a bit too nerdy?
Yes, it’s too nerdy, but some longer time residents will rant and rave about all the attractive women now in the city, as “tech” became more approachable as well as allure of money attracted more for other reasons
But I personally find the bar to be low, “San Francisco 49ers” is still loudly proclaimed, its a derogatory rating system for women “4’s that think they are 9’s”. or “LA 4’s are SF 9’s”. Derogatory, but not inaccurate. I’m sure we can find a synonymous progressive way of acknowledging the exact same phenomenon.
Then, even longer time residents speak of a mystical way more cooler version of San Francisco, with artists! except every currently nice neighborhood is described as a once dangerous ghetto, and nothing sounds appealing about that to me either.
Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)
#353When I was a kid, we moved a lot. So I had to make new friends every year or two. And I did. But did this help me with making friends as an adult? Apparently nope . How come there's a million dating apps but no "friend finding" apps? Well there's meetup.com but the results there are somewhat meh .
I would assume a friend finding app would turn into a lowkey hookup app.
Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)
#354Is it easier in India? I have to actively avoid getting invites from people and feel bad when I refuse. I’m a native and if I travel to a new city I can make friends in a jiffy. I’m a 28 yo male and still not choosing to commit to marriage and this argument about finding friends later scares me at times. Is it really true? Does the depth of connection vary? I also was in Germany about half the year in 22 and for sure…
No dude, you’re just in the fricken prime of life and living it well. Enjoy!! I sincerely hope you have the same experience at 46!
Thank you, you're kind!
Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)
#355Earlier quoted context omitted.
I have never played a sport outside of gym class. When I went to local sports meetups, I mostly found people practicing the sports they played in high school or college. I sucked by comparison, and it showed.
So what if you suck? Doing something you're bad at can be liberating
It depends on the circumstances. First of all, if you suck too much, it might not be fun for yourself even under the best of circumstances. Secondly, yeah, if it's just for fun and especially if you're not the only who "sucks", it can be fine and as you say "liberating" and everybody's still having a good time. (Also, at least personally it feels easier to just relax and accept that you somewhat suck at that sport and still have some fun anyway if you're with a group of people you already know, which of course doesn't really work if you're going to a sports meetup to meet new people in the first place…)
However if you're the only one who comparatively really sucks and maybe on top everybody else is treating things a little more competitively, it possibly starts feeling a little bit too much like gym classes at school, where you always got selected as one of the last ones into a team because everybody knew you weren't really the sporty type and consequently wouldn't really improve any team's chances of winning…
Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)
#356Earlier quoted context omitted.
It’s a scaling issue. If you have a lot of friends 1:1 don’t scale.
Strongly disagree. It's not a scaling issue. 1:1's don't renew. You have to keep feeding the relationship. The relationship can be extremely rewarding for chit chat & conversation, but it could drop at any point, and become a memory. It has no self-maintaining spirit, no ability to repair itself if one person loses some availability or time. A group can fend for itself in a far different way. Assemblages can have mem…
True friends do not need feeding, you can go a year without seeing each other and catch up and be right back to where you were before. And most of my 1:1 friends, I talk to regularly anyway because I want to. I've known these people for decades. So your comment about closed systems doesn't ring true to me at all.
Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)
#357Earlier quoted context omitted.
Strongly disagree. It's not a scaling issue. 1:1's don't renew. You have to keep feeding the relationship. The relationship can be extremely rewarding for chit chat & conversation, but it could drop at any point, and become a memory. It has no self-maintaining spirit, no ability to repair itself if one person loses some availability or time. A group can fend for itself in a far different way. Assemblages can have mem…
I don't think we disagree, my point would be that you need both. But if you rely on 1:1 only you're either quickly going to lose friends or spend all your time in 1:1 (or not make new friends at all, as you can't make new friends in 1:1)
This is me, I spend all my time on 1:1 and I have a small but very close set of friends, and no desire to make any more.
It's like a romantic relationship - once you find "that person", you're done.
Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)
#358If you want to socialize and meet people, its a good idea to get involved in shared athletic activity: * martial arts (MMA, BJJ, even krav maga) * crossfit [1] * cycling (mountain biking, road cycling) * volleyball or surfing if you're by a beach * even a pick up basketball game In my opinion, doing something athletic as a group should be a mandate for everyone. There are too many benefits, physically and spiritually…
I'm pushing 40 and haven't had any luck with making new friends on BJJ, Crossfit or Muay Thai (currently) classes. On Crossfit the folks are a bit young and only talk about Crossfit. Muay Thay gym also feel like a bunch of disconnected people. BJJ seemed to be more around like an "homogeneous" group (older, many with kids) but I didn't stay long enough and didn't went to the soccer - aha! In Brazil you have to play soccer because thats where people can develop more personal relationships (some yelling would be awesome).
I feel like cyclists, running groups could also work for my age group, but I don't feel very inclined to those sports. I can't find a soccer group to play and I suck at it. Most people that play weekly are work colleagues or school/uni colleagues..
Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)
#359Earlier quoted context omitted.
Strongly disagree. It's not a scaling issue. 1:1's don't renew. You have to keep feeding the relationship. The relationship can be extremely rewarding for chit chat & conversation, but it could drop at any point, and become a memory. It has no self-maintaining spirit, no ability to repair itself if one person loses some availability or time. A group can fend for itself in a far different way. Assemblages can have mem…
True friends do not need feeding, you can go a year without seeing each other and catch up and be right back to where you were before. And most of my 1:1 friends, I talk to regularly anyway because I want to. I've known these people for decades. So your comment about closed systems doesn't ring true to me at all.
This really doesn’t sound like a healthy ideal to me, and if I remember correctly there was this paper that would detect elevated risk of suicides by analyzing social graphs and finding nodes that weren’t part of any cliques. So that should imply that this is not good for anyone.
Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)
#360> "Researchers also find that when we develop groups, our friendships are more sustainable than they are with individuals. Because there's multiple touch points now, right? Someone else in the group could reach out to all of us, and then we all keep in touch." This is the most important tip in the article, in my experience. When I lived in SF, most of my friend hangs were 1-on-1 catchups over coffee or lunch. Schedul…
"...things played out exactly as described by the article -- some of them hit it off, became friends with each other, and started initiating invites and events without me" Is that a good thing?
Totally! Especially considering that they also invited me the vast majority of the time.