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Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

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Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#291

Post by marssaxman »

crazygringo wrote: post #64
shalmanese wrote: post #35

Earlier quoted context omitted.

One thing I found strange about SF is that I never found a group that would do the weekly hang. The weekly hang is a socially porous experience, it has a fixed location and fixed start time but everything else is improvised. Different people could dip in and out, people felt free to bring new friends, people they just started dating, friends from out of town etc. Some people came once and never again, others become r…

I'm intrigued by this, I feel like I know a lot of people but I don't think I know anybody with anything like this. Closest is maybe a weekly book club but that's different. What kind of location -- is this a bar or a park or a brunch spot or something like bowling? How big is the group usually, like 6 or 20? Is it weekend afternoon or weekday evening? And how does it get started, does it just start organically or is…

When I moved (back) to Seattle, one of my coworkers invited me along after work for Monday night pool. This had been going on for a couple years by the time I showed up, and I made it a regular part of my life for the next decade. I made some of my best and longest-lasting friendships there; those connections led to others, and on again, ultimately populating most of my social world in this city.

It was a simple thing which didn't need a lot of coordination. You just showed up after work if you felt like it and hung out as long as you wanted to. When each game ended, the winner took on a new challenger; new arrivals were automatically next up. Between games, you hung out, drank beer, chatted, enjoyed each other's company, maybe got some food (if you ordered a plate of fries, it would be shared with all; that was the rule). Some people were serious about pool and played hard, while others only went for a round or two; some people stayed until midnight, while others just dropped in for a pint.

I don't know exactly how many people were part of this thing; anyone could invite anyone, so there were maybe forty or fifty people involved overall, roughly a dozen of them regulars. On any given night there might only be five or six present, but sometimes on a nice summer evening you'd get fifteen or twenty, and we'd open up another table.

Not a country thing - this was right in the heart of the city. It's possible some of the people may have known each other from college but that certainly wasn't the defining character; we were all working professionals, ages from mid 20s to late 40s. I wasn't there when it started but I believe it was a group decision among existing friends.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#292

Post by Brystephor »

sys32768 wrote: post #267

One of my problems is that I think I have a friend. We have great fun together and seem to match, but eventually I realize I'm initiating all contact. So I stop initiating and wait for the signal that they want to hang out. Crickets. I do plan to join a photography club although most everyone is older married couples. Still, nice folk, and a hobby I find joy in.

What about them not initiating contact is a negative? I can see why that'd be interpreted as a negative, but does it make sense for that person?

I know that I do a poor job of initiating hanging out but if I'm ever invited somewhere, I say yes 9/10 times. I like to do stuff but 1) I don't know what to suggest to do with others or 2) I want to suggest something however I am worried it'll be a negative experience and therefore I don't send out the invite at all.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#293

Post by velp »

shalmanese wrote: post #35
csallen wrote: post #4

> "Researchers also find that when we develop groups, our friendships are more sustainable than they are with individuals. Because there's multiple touch points now, right? Someone else in the group could reach out to all of us, and then we all keep in touch." This is the most important tip in the article, in my experience. When I lived in SF, most of my friend hangs were 1-on-1 catchups over coffee or lunch. Schedul…

One thing I found strange about SF is that I never found a group that would do the weekly hang. The weekly hang is a socially porous experience, it has a fixed location and fixed start time but everything else is improvised. Different people could dip in and out, people felt free to bring new friends, people they just started dating, friends from out of town etc. Some people came once and never again, others become r…

This resonates with me. I found a group of folks I loosely knew in my neighborhood, and started doing an informal "Tuesday Night Dinner". There's about a dozen of us, and on any given week about 6-7 will get together, usually at someone's house, and do a potluck-style dinner. If people are busy, we do a "no pressure" takeout night, but the point is we do _something_ every Tuesday night. We've missed maybe a half dozen weeks in the past 2 years, and lots of folks have become friends outside of the group as well. It's been probably the single most enjoyable thing about the last few years living in Seattle

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#295

Post by bonestamp2 »

legerdemain wrote: post #137
bonestamp2 wrote: post #16

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Go to meetup.com. Find a weekly meetup in your area that matches one of your interests (or start one). Go to that meetup every week. Within a couple months you'll be friends with the regulars. I've done this in two cities and I'm still long distance friends with the people I met in the first city. It only takes a couple hours per week and for your mental health you should be getting out for social activities anyway.…

Weekly meetup? Goodness! All the marginally interesting meetups in my area are monthly or less. I specifically started a twice-monthly one myself because it was so grim. (And no, I'm not very happy with my own meetup, either.) Pretty much the only exception to the monthly cadence is hiking meetups, which in my area are dominated by retirees and midlife singles. I've tried them, I wouldn't keep trying.

From my experience, weekly is important for a couple of reasons:

1. That's the cadence that most people's life runs on. It's easier to schedule and remember something that happens every Wednesday, than every other Wednesday.

2. You actually start to feel like friends with people fairly quickly when you see them weekly. It feels like a good balance between space and closeness for strangers to start becoming friends.

Starting a meetup is hard. If there's something relatively popular or trendy with the demographic of people you're hoping to make friends with, that might be something that will attract more people to your meetup quickly (AI, board games, investing, etc).

Even if you only get 1-2 great people to become regulars, you can cancel the meetup and still meet with them every week.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#296

Post by bonestamp2 »

the_only_law wrote: post #26
bonestamp2 wrote: post #16

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Go to meetup.com. Find a weekly meetup in your area that matches one of your interests (or start one). Go to that meetup every week. Within a couple months you'll be friends with the regulars. I've done this in two cities and I'm still long distance friends with the people I met in the first city. It only takes a couple hours per week and for your mental health you should be getting out for social activities anyway.…

Where do you live? I’ve always seen people rave about meetup but most of the time when I’ve downloaded it’s filled mostly with scammy crap (MLM groups and similar business schemes), “entrepreneurs” trying to “network” and hyper specific demographic groups (40+ singles hiking group or whatever)

I live in a city of about 100k people and there are a couple of groups that match my interests. If there wasn't, I would just make one, and I might make one anyway.

The idea is to make a weekly group for one of your hobbies, maybe you like to play basketball (for example sake). That way, if nobody shows up, that's fine, you were going to work on your free throws anyway. If 1 person shows up, now you can play 1-1. If 2 people show up you can play horse, etc.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#297

Post by mdbauman »

usefulcat wrote: post #273
crazygringo wrote: post #64

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm intrigued by this, I feel like I know a lot of people but I don't think I know anybody with anything like this. Closest is maybe a weekly book club but that's different. What kind of location -- is this a bar or a park or a brunch spot or something like bowling? How big is the group usually, like 6 or 20? Is it weekend afternoon or weekday evening? And how does it get started, does it just start organically or is…

Pre-covid, I did this for about nine years. Trivia night at a local bar. The meeting even survived the closing of the original bar; we just moved to a different bar. However the size of the group did shrink over time, mainly coinciding with several members meeting other people and so not being single any longer. Since covid there's only been the occasional get-together, since not enough of the remaining members are w…

This is how I met most of my current friends, as well. I was at a local bar one night on what turned out to be trivia night. There were a few of us who didn't know anybody well but had seen each other at the bar before, so we decided to form a team to win some of our tab back.

Fast forward 8 or so years. We no longer do trivia, but get together just about every week along with the siblings, childhood friends, girlfriends, and wives that have joined us over the years.

It's a little strange to think of how different my life would be had I not been at that bar on that night, but that's how these things work: you put yourself in a situation where something social is going on, and all that's standing between you and making some new friends is saying "yes."

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#298

Post by jeffreyq »

amitmina wrote: post #90

Economics is also an underlying hidden reason behind everything. Making friends requires a lot of bandwidth. You cannot create them over a coffee or wine, it would be a multiple touch point event over 6-12 months. In low trust environments the cost of friendship goes up. When you have to work 100 hrs a work to meet your expenses can you take out 20 hrs for friends. then another 20 for family, another 20 for kid. and…

Well put

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#299

Post by JohnBooty »

csallen wrote: post #4

> "Researchers also find that when we develop groups, our friendships are more sustainable than they are with individuals. Because there's multiple touch points now, right? Someone else in the group could reach out to all of us, and then we all keep in touch." This is the most important tip in the article, in my experience. When I lived in SF, most of my friend hangs were 1-on-1 catchups over coffee or lunch. Schedul…

    In addition, hangouts are just more fun with more people
Love everything you said.

Additionally: when you're hanging out in a group, you avoid those awkward situations where some people (or their partners!) might be wondering if it was a potential "date" kind of situation.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#300

Post by legerdemain »

anthomtb wrote: post #270
legerdemain wrote: post #128

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I have never played a sport outside of gym class. When I went to local sports meetups, I mostly found people practicing the sports they played in high school or college. I sucked by comparison, and it showed.

> and stick with it I think this is the key here. You're going to be the FNG ( New Guy) for a while. So choose your sport and level wisely. Most leagues that I have come across have at least two, if not three or four, levels. Where, say, the "A" level is for folks that played in high school, maybe even college, while the "C" level is going to be accommodating to someone who is just picking up the sport as an adult. A…

I mean stuff like pickup soccer or basketball that happens in parks and at gyms. I don't think we have much in terms of league sports around here, except maybe employment-based leagues (like Google, Meta, and Microsoft fielding softball teams).
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