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Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

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Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#61

Post by pfannkuchen »

rjh29 wrote: post #33
denvaar wrote: post #28

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Thats an interesting take. I prefer 1:1 type of events, or maybe a small group. I just find it easier to hold a conversation that way. I don’t have too many friends, so the time factor is not an issue for me.

I think 1:1 is best for close friends who you have a strong connection with, and groups are better for more casual friends. You can have a group hangout with people who in 1:1 format you'd struggle to converse with. Personally I don't have any of those friends anymore so I don't do group hangouts.

I also strongly prefer 1:1 or small groups and I’m confused how one can be friends with a person they would struggle to converse with 1:1?

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#62

Post by rocketbop »

shalmanese wrote: post #43
bee_rider wrote: post #42

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I’ve never heard of this sort of thing. It almost seems more like an informal club than a group of friends. (Not to knock the idea, it seems interesting).

Really? I feel like every time I'm in another part of the country for more than a few days, one of my friends will invite me to their weekly hang and I get to meet a bunch of other cool folk.

I don’t live in the US but I’ve also never heard of this or really come across it. Is it about going to someone’s home? Or meeting at a bar? I can’t quite visualise what you’re talking about.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#63

Post by anonzzzies »

mijowi wrote: post #38
lll-o-lll wrote: post #24

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yes, yes you are uncool. You are probably a nerd who likes to talk about topics of interest, rather than people and social matters. Nerds are much more interesting, really. They’ve spent enough time on things they are obsessed about to have something to discuss. It’s not all “kids, schooling, housing, weather”. My favourite thing is to meet a nerd with an obsession outside of my own, as there is so much to learn.

I enjoy talking to people about things that aren’t sports, celebrities, or the latest popular show to binge

Those will automatically not be my friends. Anyone who cares about sports (especially televised) or celebrities can go sit somewhere else. Or religion. Helps immensely with filtering as it usually is one of the first things you find out.

Talking nerd stuff is nicer and as such I only have nerds as friends and I married one, but there is no shortage of them. So far I made friends at any age (I am in my 50s).

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#64

Post by crazygringo »

shalmanese wrote: post #35
csallen wrote: post #4

> "Researchers also find that when we develop groups, our friendships are more sustainable than they are with individuals. Because there's multiple touch points now, right? Someone else in the group could reach out to all of us, and then we all keep in touch." This is the most important tip in the article, in my experience. When I lived in SF, most of my friend hangs were 1-on-1 catchups over coffee or lunch. Schedul…

One thing I found strange about SF is that I never found a group that would do the weekly hang. The weekly hang is a socially porous experience, it has a fixed location and fixed start time but everything else is improvised. Different people could dip in and out, people felt free to bring new friends, people they just started dating, friends from out of town etc. Some people came once and never again, others become r…

I'm intrigued by this, I feel like I know a lot of people but I don't think I know anybody with anything like this. Closest is maybe a weekly book club but that's different.

What kind of location -- is this a bar or a park or a brunch spot or something like bowling? How big is the group usually, like 6 or 20? Is it weekend afternoon or weekday evening? And how does it get started, does it just start organically or is it a group decision among a bunch of existing friends?

I think I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around it because if I go with friends for food it's always somewhere new, if it's an activity it's always different, and the idea of the exact same time and location every week seems like it would get dull quick. Maybe that's because I'm accustomed to the fact that in big cities the whole point is novelty, always something new to explore. The idea of a fixed time and a fixed location doesn't seem as compatible with that.

Where did you find it successful pre-SF? Was it a mid-sized city thing, or a more country thing, or a college thing? I'm just so curious to know more.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#65

Post by thefourthchime »

As someone who had few male friends as a kid I’ve put a priority on them as an adult.

The key is to “water” it like a plant. If you don’t reach out for too long it becomes weird.

A blessing I’ve had is a regular Tuesday night happy hour, I’ve been seeing the same guys for beers on Tuesday for over 13 years now. We’re all best friends. I also have a few other buddies to grab beers with and a few friends who live far away, but I make sure I message them regularly.

Without these friends my life would be much emptier. As guys we think we don’t need friends, but it’s a huge factor to happiness.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#66

Post by aroundtown »

I've moved 4 times in my adult life. The two biggest issues I've had with making friends is the lack of a gathering place for like minded people, and being accepted by existing cliques.

If you don't drink, go to church, or have kids, it is damned hard to find a place to hang out and meet other 30-40 year olds.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#67

Post by [deleted] »

rocketbop wrote: post #62
shalmanese wrote: post #43

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Really? I feel like every time I'm in another part of the country for more than a few days, one of my friends will invite me to their weekly hang and I get to meet a bunch of other cool folk.

I don’t live in the US but I’ve also never heard of this or really come across it. Is it about going to someone’s home? Or meeting at a bar? I can’t quite visualise what you’re talking about.

[deleted]

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#69

Post by stonekyx »

creakingstairs wrote: post #54
imheretolearn wrote: post #46

The article does not mention how immigrants can make friends. Not all but most natives treat immigrants as outsiders. I get it that you are more likely to be friends with someone who is similar to you. If it was difficult for a city girl to make friends with people who look like her but grew up in a different location, I can't even imagine how difficult it must be for immigrants who don't look the same, have a differ…

I moved from Korea to NZ. And I’m recently trying out Japan. I think it can be _easier_ to make friends as an immigrant that looks different (as long as you can speak their language) as there will always be people who are interested in different cultures. Though I have found that it can be quite hard to become close friends but it’s definitely possible.

Language is a major factor, yes. Another factor I think is whether you come from a “welcomed” country. Under the current chaotic world order, it’s not hard to come up with a few countries that are not welcomed almost anywhere (Disclaimer: I come from one of them).

But still, start with some people that are close with you, either at work or in private, and try to expand that circle to larger / more diverse groups. The rule of making friends still apply for immigrants, it’s just a bit harder than natives.

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