Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

wbur.org

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

271–280 of 371 posts

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#271

Post by game_the0ry »

If you want to socialize and meet people, its a good idea to get involved in shared athletic activity:

* martial arts (MMA, BJJ, even krav maga)

* crossfit [1]

* cycling (mountain biking, road cycling)

* volleyball or surfing if you're by a beach

* even a pick up basketball game

In my opinion, doing something athletic as a group should be a mandate for everyone. There are too many benefits, physically and spiritually.

If you are hesitant or if you find yourself having a negative reaction to what I am saying, I would encourage you to contemplate why you may be thinking that.

If you are worried you are not athletic enough and feel emberrased, do not think that for a moment. I was the same - I am horribly uncoordinated and I still do stuff.

[1] Some crossfit folks call it "church," which should be telling

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#272

Post by almenon »

yieldcrv wrote: post #81
shalmanese wrote: post #35

Earlier quoted context omitted.

One thing I found strange about SF is that I never found a group that would do the weekly hang. The weekly hang is a socially porous experience, it has a fixed location and fixed start time but everything else is improvised. Different people could dip in and out, people felt free to bring new friends, people they just started dating, friends from out of town etc. Some people came once and never again, others become r…

I had in friends in SF that tried, I just couldn't get on board with their concept of fun I wasn't into board game night, I also tried DnD which was ok but what an arduous turn based system and ritual, the weeknight bars were meh (to me), weeknight nightlife was pathetic compared to actual “world class” cities, some of my friends did well in the bouldering scene, there was a time when I was interested in free pizza a…

There's a lot of systems that are simpler, easier, and in my personal opinion, more fun than d&d. For example, FATE. The star wars RPG is pretty good too. Tabletop games can also vary a lot in quality depending on the group and the GM.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#273

Post by usefulcat »

crazygringo wrote: post #64
shalmanese wrote: post #35

Earlier quoted context omitted.

One thing I found strange about SF is that I never found a group that would do the weekly hang. The weekly hang is a socially porous experience, it has a fixed location and fixed start time but everything else is improvised. Different people could dip in and out, people felt free to bring new friends, people they just started dating, friends from out of town etc. Some people came once and never again, others become r…

I'm intrigued by this, I feel like I know a lot of people but I don't think I know anybody with anything like this. Closest is maybe a weekly book club but that's different. What kind of location -- is this a bar or a park or a brunch spot or something like bowling? How big is the group usually, like 6 or 20? Is it weekend afternoon or weekday evening? And how does it get started, does it just start organically or is…

Pre-covid, I did this for about nine years. Trivia night at a local bar. The meeting even survived the closing of the original bar; we just moved to a different bar. However the size of the group did shrink over time, mainly coinciding with several members meeting other people and so not being single any longer. Since covid there's only been the occasional get-together, since not enough of the remaining members are willing to do something regular.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#274

Post by acuozzo »

adave wrote: post #235
csallen wrote: post #4

> "Researchers also find that when we develop groups, our friendships are more sustainable than they are with individuals. Because there's multiple touch points now, right? Someone else in the group could reach out to all of us, and then we all keep in touch." This is the most important tip in the article, in my experience. When I lived in SF, most of my friend hangs were 1-on-1 catchups over coffee or lunch. Schedul…

An introverts nightmare is to meet random folks along with other and without a purpose.Call a spade a spade, its a group event and that itself is even harder than 1-1 hang.

What you describe is social anxiety, not introversion.

Introverted people without social anxiety exist. I'm one of them. I have no fear of meeting new people and the like, but social situations exhaust me more quickly than others and I need alone-time to recharge.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#275

Post by greenpresident »

game_the0ry wrote: post #271

If you want to socialize and meet people, its a good idea to get involved in shared athletic activity: * martial arts (MMA, BJJ, even krav maga) * crossfit [1] * cycling (mountain biking, road cycling) * volleyball or surfing if you're by a beach * even a pick up basketball game In my opinion, doing something athletic as a group should be a mandate for everyone. There are too many benefits, physically and spiritually…

I second your notion that being athletic is not a requirement: the actually fit I’ve met are all extremely calm, accepting and disciplined. In the right gym/club/group, it’s an extremely rewarding experience for any body type and fitness goal. Be aware that distance based cardio groups (running, biking) will often require fitness that is above average but there are exceptions (look up a parkrun near you).

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#276

Post by anthomtb »

chainwax wrote: post #245

Anecdotal, but if you're looking for friends as an adult you should get a bicycle. I've moved 3 times in my adult life, and have made a solid group of friends each time by signing up for group rides, etc. Ages range from late twenties to seventies. You can usually find these on social media or by talking to a nearby bike shop. This doesn't just apply to urban centers either. Gravel and mountain biking is huge, and ge…

The only reason I have friends as a mid 30's is because of mountain biking. At least where I am, the advocacy groups schedule lots of group activities - rides for all skill levels, trail building days, bi-annual meetups. And folks you meet when riding are usually friendly - I've met several riding buddies throughout the years just due to being on the same trails at the same time.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#277

Post by actionablefiber »

game_the0ry wrote: post #271

If you want to socialize and meet people, its a good idea to get involved in shared athletic activity: * martial arts (MMA, BJJ, even krav maga) * crossfit [1] * cycling (mountain biking, road cycling) * volleyball or surfing if you're by a beach * even a pick up basketball game In my opinion, doing something athletic as a group should be a mandate for everyone. There are too many benefits, physically and spiritually…

> cycling (mountain biking, road cycling)

I want to add that in cities, social cycling is a real thing too, and a fantastic way to meet people and have fun. Many US cities have some combination of Critical Mass, bike party, queer bike rides, weekly evening social rides.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#278

Post by Thalarg »

chainwax wrote: post #245

Anecdotal, but if you're looking for friends as an adult you should get a bicycle. I've moved 3 times in my adult life, and have made a solid group of friends each time by signing up for group rides, etc. Ages range from late twenties to seventies. You can usually find these on social media or by talking to a nearby bike shop. This doesn't just apply to urban centers either. Gravel and mountain biking is huge, and ge…

This is very subjective, but cycling does not work for me in this context.

Obviously, everyone has their own goals when getting outside on a bike, from pure leasure/entertainment to hard fitness/training sessions. I'm somewhat in between closer to training camp.

Riding for 25 minutes casually, then getting a beer and talk for an hour, then riding another 20 minutes home is not for me. But riding with the training group is problematic too - your fitness level matters. If the group rides 26 kph average for 120 km but you only can give 23 - you are going to be left behind. Dropping and continuing solo or turning earlier - I was on the receiving end of that multiple times.

Eventually you realize most optimal trainings are done solo and they are kind of meditative and enjoyable when silent. And high exertion does not allow you to talk anyway.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#279

Post by skadamou »

barbariangrunge wrote: post #269
enduser wrote: post #252

Earlier quoted context omitted.

One thing I learned from reading Jung and not just the MBTI stuff based on his work is his core distinction between introversion and extroversion: Introverts have an inner model of the world. Extroverts rely directly on the world. It doesn’t mean that extroverts like people more or that introverts necessarily prefer being alone. It’s just that for extroverts, when nothing external is happening it’s like a little deat…

Recommend a book? I never knew where to start with jung. Also, was his work research based or was it mostly speculative?

Not OP but I really enjoyed Jung's: Memories, Dreams, and Reflections. I haven't read any of the rest of his work so I really can't say if this is the best place to start with him but being totally new to Jung, I took a lot away from this book. The book touches on many of his theories and gives you an idea of the arc of his life which is nice but also provides great insight into Jung's inner world which is what I found most fascinating about the book. I've never read anything else quite like it.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#280

Post by jzb »

tastysandwich wrote: post #47

I'm talkative, outgoing and pretty funny in real life. I think I can say that people generally enjoy my company. But I only have about three friends, and I see them maybe four times a year. I really get along with my coworkers and enjoy their company at work. My wife thinks I should make more friends. But the truth is (and I suspect this is pretty common with HN'ers), I don't want more friends! Because in addition to…

I sort of agree. I don't want a larger number of friends, but I do crave having deep relationships with people that (currently) I don't really have.

Those infrequent hangs where it's primarily a catch-up and then go about your daily routine are OK, but unsatisfying. Like you, I have a handful of those friends that I catch up with and I care about them, but they're not really part of my day-to-day life.

What I want (and miss) are deeper relationships where I see / communicate with someone often and have strong shared interests. There were a few periods where I had those level of friendships and it was really great. For instance, about 10 years ago I was part of an art group that met at least once and usually twice a week in the evenings. I was close to a few of those people, and it felt great. Like family.

Since then the group broke up, a few people took up new interests, and one of my closer friends in the group passed. (Fuck cancer.) I moved, got married and while I love my family I have no tight, close relationships that hit that same level. Finding the same kind of friends and dynamic is very, very hard. Sucks.

Post reply on HN