Making friends as an adult is hard (2021) • Hacker News Board

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#251

Post by LeanderK » Tue, Apr 18, 2023, 1:40 PM UTC

jwmoz wrote: post #207

crazygringo wrote: post #64

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm intrigued by this, I feel like I know a lot of people but I don't think I know anybody with anything like this. Closest is maybe a weekly book club but that's different. What kind of location -- is this a bar or a park or a brunch spot or something like bowling? How big is the group usually, like 6 or 20? Is it weekend afternoon or weekday evening? And how does it get started, does it just start organically or is…

In the UK we have this concept of "the local" pub, often where you'd go and meetup with friends for a catchup.

yeah, I am a bit confused by the statement. I have never planned this, it just happens after repeatedly meeting at the same pub in some frequency. I've also seen a shared, regular activity create this, for example the monthly pub quiz or sneak preview in the small independent cinema. I think it's important that it's somewhat accessible everyone so that it's not a chore.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#252

Post by enduser » Tue, Apr 18, 2023, 1:42 PM UTC

silisili wrote: post #74

tastysandwich wrote: post #47

I'm talkative, outgoing and pretty funny in real life. I think I can say that people generally enjoy my company. But I only have about three friends, and I see them maybe four times a year. I really get along with my coworkers and enjoy their company at work. My wife thinks I should make more friends. But the truth is (and I suspect this is pretty common with HN'ers), I don't want more friends! Because in addition to…

Same sentiment exactly. Not to sound rude, but I don't -want- more friends, and it feels bad rejecting people who reach out. I already feel like there aren't enough hours in a day, and selfishly want to hoard my time to myself. My wife and I are polar opposites in that regard. She can never seem to have enough friends, and they talk often. I think one big difference is how people are with nothingness. Because no matt…

One thing I learned from reading Jung and not just the MBTI stuff based on his work is his core distinction between introversion and extroversion:

Introverts have an inner model of the world. Extroverts rely directly on the world.

It doesn’t mean that extroverts like people more or that introverts necessarily prefer being alone. It’s just that for extroverts, when nothing external is happening it’s like a little death. And for introverts, we need down time to reconcile our inner model with all of the day’s external stimulation.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#253

Post by scarface74 » Tue, Apr 18, 2023, 1:47 PM UTC

intrasight wrote: post #243

jvm___ wrote: post #94

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Your local Facebook or meetup.com page probably has a running group that meets regularly. Look for the "Meet at 6:30am Friday morning in the parking lot by Starbucks" group. If you show up to that enough I guarantee you'll have 20-50 friends by the end of this year and attend a fun Christmas party where you know or can chat to multiple people.

It is no exaggeration that to say that social fitness fundamentally changed my life as an adult. I had, one day at the gym, decided to try a group fitness class. I had seen the class many times. Normally at the gym I lifted weights, wearing my headphones doing my Chinese language lessons. I saw they were getting an awesome workout, so one day I went and joined them, they were super friendly and welcoming and I became…

I can go one step further. I was a part time fitness instructor. I taught at one particular gym 3 days a week. It was very much our social circle. We would meet there for class, train for runs, run charity races at different places at least once per month, we went to each others weddings, etc. It was my most fun group as an adult.

Then life happened in 2012. I got married and moved to the other side of the metro area and couldn’t find time to teach anymore and soon after “something” happened and my asthma flared up and it took over a year to recover and then other long standing physical issues started becoming more prominent.

But most fitness classes were mostly female. Mine was different since my choreography was simple and athletic. We were also all single or both the husband and wife would come. It would be seen as creepy as a male to try to make “friends” with women I met at the gym especially now at 50 and myself being married.

Ironically enough, my wife is involved in the fitness industry now and I meet a lot of couples via her friends.

Anyway, I started back training for runs earlier this year and will be joining running clubs.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#254

Post by analogcollector » Tue, Apr 18, 2023, 1:48 PM UTC

tastysandwich wrote: post #47

I'm talkative, outgoing and pretty funny in real life. I think I can say that people generally enjoy my company. But I only have about three friends, and I see them maybe four times a year. I really get along with my coworkers and enjoy their company at work. My wife thinks I should make more friends. But the truth is (and I suspect this is pretty common with HN'ers), I don't want more friends! Because in addition to…

The reason that I've lost so many friendships in the past decade is exactly what you're saying: friendships are not a priority for the average person who is gainfully employed, married with kids, maybe has pets, and also has social obligations to their relatives.

For someone in your position, maintaining friendships is always going to be the lowest priority item, on a neverending list of responsibilities and social expectations.

That's one thing that frustrates me about American society. People who are married with kids are insanely busy, with a robust and built-in social network, whether it's through interactions with relatives, or even making friends with other parents through sporting events, etc.

It's tough for the rest of us. Obviously there is no quick fix to this problem, but for now I'm able to fill some social needs through meetups and other social events. I'll probably also get a pet eventually.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#255

Post by ravenstine » Tue, Apr 18, 2023, 1:54 PM UTC

xlii wrote: post #75

I’m seeing people commenting “yeah I’m uncool” and I highly doubt it. For me, personally, problem is that I can only relate in context. If I leave the context - poof - it’s gone. And I feel it’s very similar with other people too. We work, we communicate a lot and build relation. Someone moves on, switches the context and it’s gone. The same with gaming or sports or anything. Few more closer friends I have are closer…

I agree. When it comes to friends, I don't think I've ever made one because of a specific "cool" trait they had. People like each other because they are generally "cool", and what's cool can mean different things to different people. Most of the time, people will like you for merely being receptive, reciprocal, and empathetic. You don't need to have interesting hobbies or lots of knowledge in history, or romantic success, or whatever. While those can certainly make a person more interesting, it can be surprising how little they actually matter.

On the other hand, I do understand where people are coming from when they conclude that their lack of friends must be a result of being "uncool." Although what I just said was spoken with sincerity, I still can't help but wonder why people seem to like me. I'm a pretty lousy storyteller, I've only ever visited 2 other countries, my hobbies are overly intellectual, I don't play many video games or watch any shows that are in vogue, and even if I manage to come up with a funny joke I always screw up the delivery. Yet I'm still liked.

The feeling of lacking coolness, I think, probably stems from a lack of self esteem induced from childhood or adolescence. If I didn't have such a hard time as a kid, being awkward and weird, maybe my likability wouldn't be constantly in question even as an otherwise confident adult. My early experiences cemented in my mind that I'm fundamentally an outsider and not cool. The irony is that those "cool" people from my childhood either ended up as average joes and janes, or became the very antithesis of cool.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#256

Post by ponow » Tue, Apr 18, 2023, 2:00 PM UTC

cies wrote: post #198

r_singh wrote: post #109

Is it easier in India? I have to actively avoid getting invites from people and feel bad when I refuse. I’m a native and if I travel to a new city I can make friends in a jiffy. I’m a 28 yo male and still not choosing to commit to marriage and this argument about finding friends later scares me at times. Is it really true? Does the depth of connection vary? I also was in Germany about half the year in 22 and for sure…

Intellectuals in south asia are just great people. Good discussions, open minded attitude (not too closed off by culture and religion), and a general distrust of the state. Just my .02

Intellectuals in the US love the state, or at least act like they do.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#257

Post by ponow » Tue, Apr 18, 2023, 2:05 PM UTC

amitmina wrote: post #90

Economics is also an underlying hidden reason behind everything. Making friends requires a lot of bandwidth. You cannot create them over a coffee or wine, it would be a multiple touch point event over 6-12 months. In low trust environments the cost of friendship goes up. When you have to work 100 hrs a work to meet your expenses can you take out 20 hrs for friends. then another 20 for family, another 20 for kid. and…

This is the only comment that's half-way realistic. This intentional relationship stuff seems better tuned to the successful or the childless.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#258

Post by ravenstine » Tue, Apr 18, 2023, 2:06 PM UTC

projectazorian wrote: post #50

sublinear wrote: post #14

> continuous unplanned interaction and shared vulnerability So... become a regular at local restaurants, random coffee shops, bars, clubs, farmer's markets, parks, hiking trails, start a band, volunteer somewhere, join a gym, travel, etc. In other words, get out more?

> So... become a regular at local restaurants, random coffee shops, bars, clubs, farmer's markets, parks, hiking trails, start a band, volunteer somewhere, join a gym, travel, etc. Maybe this used to work, but it no longer does. I'm a regular at several local hangouts, hit the gym several days a week, and go out to other activities regularly. I rarely have conversations with anyone beyond perfunctory pleasantries wit…

I have a theory that most of us have become far more introverted than we realize.

A good friend of mine is very high on the extraversion scale. There is not a shred of introversion in him beyond him spending part of his free time studying philosophy. He has the ability to strike up long conversations with seemingly anyone, anywhere, anytime. This has been true before COVID, during COVID, and after COVID. What does he do? He simply starts talking to people. It can be about just about anything, though usually he will start conversations by making an observation or a light-hearted joke relevant to the situation. He will even ask people he doesn't know their opinion on something that's relevant to the situation. One might assume this strategy must blow up in his face with some frequency, but I've never seen that happen. Is it any coincidence that he has many friends and half the town seems to know him? I don't think so.

There's nothing he does that any of us can't do. It's not as if he is super handsome or well dressed. I do agree that people these days, depending on the region, have developed a tendency to stick to themselves, be soft-spoken, and not initiate anything. That doesn't mean people don't desire for someone to break up the monotony, even if they think they want to always be by themselves and not be bothered. By my observation, most people aren't bothered, and the ones who are will play along anyway. While others certainly put up a barrier, many of us who actively desire more human contact may not realize how much of a barrier that we put up ourselves.

Eventually, enough people need to acknowledge that putting up a barrier sucks, and that's got to start somewhere.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#259

Post by angrysaki » Tue, Apr 18, 2023, 2:10 PM UTC

digitalsushi wrote: post #246

chainwax wrote: post #245

Anecdotal, but if you're looking for friends as an adult you should get a bicycle. I've moved 3 times in my adult life, and have made a solid group of friends each time by signing up for group rides, etc. Ages range from late twenties to seventies. You can usually find these on social media or by talking to a nearby bike shop. This doesn't just apply to urban centers either. Gravel and mountain biking is huge, and ge…

I wonder if it's easier to make friends with people who are cranked up on endorphins.

My hunch is that it has something to do with doing/accomplishing something "hard" together. I'm also guessing that the harder it is, the more bonding automatic bonding you get.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#260

Post by LeanderK » Tue, Apr 18, 2023, 2:13 PM UTC

prmoustache wrote: post #186

aroundtown wrote: post #66

I've moved 4 times in my adult life. The two biggest issues I've had with making friends is the lack of a gathering place for like minded people, and being accepted by existing cliques. If you don't drink, go to church, or have kids, it is damned hard to find a place to hang out and meet other 30-40 year olds.

When I switched to another country where I didn't speak the same language I started attending language exchange meetups. In fact that is where I met my current partner.

this really sounds like a fun and promising way to make friends. I've seen it happen at universities with "tandem" partners (italian comes to germany and wants to learn german, the german wants to learn italian), but they usually leave after the exchange.