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Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

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Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#221

Post by majikaja »

As someone with a young child this thread feels really odd. I can't imagine the time to ponder such things in between a full time job and parenting (no, 'friends' are not necessary to start a family).

What are you all expecting? That you meet a bunch of compatible people and your everyday lives become like the episodes of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic? Or is it a desire for more of an emotional co-dependency with someone of the same gender?

If you want to do an activity, join a club. If you want to share information, find people on Twitter or something.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#223

Post by jvm___ »

cableshaft wrote: post #214
manfre wrote: post #170

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Reach out to the group and see if you could lead a more casual run distance as part of their Wednesday run. The run groups I've been a part of were receptive to things like that. The more important aspect of the run was the general finish time and not the distance.

Most of the ones that pop up on Meetup for me (and I'm referring to hiking groups, not running groups, I can't run for very long at all) seem to pick trail routes that will be at least 5-8 miles long, and you risk getting lost if you have to stop early, or they insist on a specific fast pace in the description, or it's an hour drive away just to get there, or they're in the middle of the day on a weekday, which I pre…

The sadness. Most groups end up chatting along the way or in the parking lot afterwards.

The other option would be to start your own.

My most local group was started as a Facebook group by a lady who wanted to run with other people. She lives on a country road and wanted to run with others in town, so she took over an existing but dead Facebook group. The time and schedule would be up to you.

This is pretty much her strategy, being intentional that you want, and welcome, people to join you.

https://www.facebook.com/reel/1571094946691499?fs=e&s=m

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#224

Post by twixfel »

majikaja wrote: post #221

As someone with a young child this thread feels really odd. I can't imagine the time to ponder such things in between a full time job and parenting (no, 'friends' are not necessary to start a family). What are you all expecting? That you meet a bunch of compatible people and your everyday lives become like the episodes of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic? Or is it a desire for more of an emotional co-dependency wi…

Casting friendship as "emotional co-dependency" is surely the height of combined individualism and cynicism. You may have no time for friendship, but lots of people do.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#226

Post by cableshaft »

jvm___ wrote: post #223
cableshaft wrote: post #214

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Most of the ones that pop up on Meetup for me (and I'm referring to hiking groups, not running groups, I can't run for very long at all) seem to pick trail routes that will be at least 5-8 miles long, and you risk getting lost if you have to stop early, or they insist on a specific fast pace in the description, or it's an hour drive away just to get there, or they're in the middle of the day on a weekday, which I pre…

The sadness. Most groups end up chatting along the way or in the parking lot afterwards. The other option would be to start your own. My most local group was started as a Facebook group by a lady who wanted to run with other people. She lives on a country road and wanted to run with others in town, so she took over an existing but dead Facebook group. The time and schedule would be up to you. This is pretty much her…

I'm familiar with the chat during (harder for the faster pace ones, though, another reason I prefer casual pace) and parking lot afterwards. If I have to turn back at or before the halfway point for most of these I imagine I'd be waiting a while in the parking lot for them to get there, though. Also from social pressure (and feeling embarrassed of having to turn back) I'd want to try to do the full trail and I'd regret it afterwards, most of the time.

I'm aware I could start my own. I once was the admin of a different type of Meetup group that had over 1000 members. It's just more way work than I have the time and energy for anymore, and also pretty expensive if done on Meetup.com nowadays ($200/year). For as infrequently as I'd host meetups it wouldn't be worth it.

I could also try to become a co-organizer of another group, but that would probably require me being able to go to enough of these for them to trust me to be a co-organizer.

It's certainly not impossible, but it's more hassle than I want to go through, for something that I can do on my own whenever I feel like it (and with my dogs).

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#227

Post by cableshaft »

RcouF1uZ4gsC wrote: post #199
shalmanese wrote: post #35

Earlier quoted context omitted.

One thing I found strange about SF is that I never found a group that would do the weekly hang. The weekly hang is a socially porous experience, it has a fixed location and fixed start time but everything else is improvised. Different people could dip in and out, people felt free to bring new friends, people they just started dating, friends from out of town etc. Some people came once and never again, others become r…

> One thing I found strange about SF is that I never found a group that would do the weekly hang. What about a church? They do the weekly hang pretty much every Sunday.

I have been tempted to look into this, I'll admit. I remember when I used to do Sunday youth group every week as a kid. If I could find a local one that just had a regular board game night or something I'd probably be down to give it a try.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#229

Post by em-bee »

lynx23 wrote: post #182
stonekyx wrote: post #69

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Language is a major factor, yes. Another factor I think is whether you come from a “welcomed” country. Under the current chaotic world order, it’s not hard to come up with a few countries that are not welcomed almost anywhere (Disclaimer: I come from one of them). But still, start with some people that are close with you, either at work or in private, and try to expand that circle to larger / more diverse groups. The…

I am honestly curious, what countries do you refer to when you say not-welcomed countries? The first thing that came to mind was Germany, but I am guessing you were not talking about that... Never forget that hostilities towards people from specific countries is a rather subjective phenomenon. What is religion to one person, is completely unacceptable to others.

in china for example white people are very welcome, black people not so much.

in europe white people can blend in, so even if they are not welcome they will not be rejected. but people that look different and have a different culture are looked upon suspiciously.

not everyone is doing this of course, it's very subtle, and fortunately there are also open minded people

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#230

Post by em-bee »

langsoul-com wrote: post #144
imheretolearn wrote: post #46

The article does not mention how immigrants can make friends. Not all but most natives treat immigrants as outsiders. I get it that you are more likely to be friends with someone who is similar to you. If it was difficult for a city girl to make friends with people who look like her but grew up in a different location, I can't even imagine how difficult it must be for immigrants who don't look the same, have a differ…

It's pretty universal for people to hang with groups that are similar to them. Expats hang with Expats, natives with natives etc etc. Tends to be easier

it's easier, but for me it defeats the purpose of visiting or living in a different country. so i prefer to stay away from expat groups. fortunately the local linux user groups or other tech groups in the places i have been to had more locals or a mix of locals and foreigners, and i was able to make a few very good local friends that way.
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