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Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

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Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#81

Post by yieldcrv »

shalmanese wrote: post #35
csallen wrote: post #4

> "Researchers also find that when we develop groups, our friendships are more sustainable than they are with individuals. Because there's multiple touch points now, right? Someone else in the group could reach out to all of us, and then we all keep in touch." This is the most important tip in the article, in my experience. When I lived in SF, most of my friend hangs were 1-on-1 catchups over coffee or lunch. Schedul…

One thing I found strange about SF is that I never found a group that would do the weekly hang. The weekly hang is a socially porous experience, it has a fixed location and fixed start time but everything else is improvised. Different people could dip in and out, people felt free to bring new friends, people they just started dating, friends from out of town etc. Some people came once and never again, others become r…

I had in friends in SF that tried, I just couldn't get on board with their concept of fun

I wasn't into board game night, I also tried DnD which was ok but what an arduous turn based system and ritual, the weeknight bars were meh (to me), weeknight nightlife was pathetic compared to actual “world class” cities, some of my friends did well in the bouldering scene, there was a time when I was interested in free pizza and accumulating AWS credits at tech mixers, but that got old quick.

Turns out I don't like tech industry, I like money alongside the ability to build things myself. No big surprise there, just would have thought that the money in SF would have attracted more interesting and varied people.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#82

Post by nostromo »

Join a sports team and stick with it. You’ll have lots of friends in no time.

Being part of a team and working on something together that’s not work and doing it consistently over years is key.

I see the same group of fifty people two times a week, rain or shine. Over time you’ll naturally develop close friends without having to awkwardly force it.

Added benefit: consistent exercise.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#83

Post by HealthNeed »

sgtnoodle wrote: post #56
the_only_law wrote: post #26

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Where do you live? I’ve always seen people rave about meetup but most of the time when I’ve downloaded it’s filled mostly with scammy crap (MLM groups and similar business schemes), “entrepreneurs” trying to “network” and hyper specific demographic groups (40+ singles hiking group or whatever)

When I lived in LA I went to a beach dodgeball meetup organized by Herbalife MLM "health coaches". It was actually a rather positive experience. I biked out three mornings a week for many months, and played dodgeball and then did high intensity exercises in the sand. Afterward I would go to their gym and pay $5 for a protein shake, and socialize with an eclectic bunch of people completely unlike me. I lost 40lb, coul…

Man, I have been approached by guys like this, we have a good conversation, then they try to sell me something. The last few times someone has struck up a conversation with me out of nowhere it was to try and sell me something. I go to the gym every other day during lunch. Been doing it for years. Literally the only people that have ever talked to me were these MLM bros.

It made me feel profoundly sad the last time it happened. I don't know why really, but the fact that no one would ever talk to me unless they wanted to sell me something was just a hard thing to take.

So hearing that you hung out with these guys on purpose is fascinating to me. It all seems so contrived and artificial, but it seems you got something out of it at least. Did you end up making any real connections?

Since my experience feeling sad though I have tried to say hi and strike up conversations with strangers when it feels appropriate. People may be put off by it occasionally, but it's nice to connect with people, even if it's only briefly.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#84

Post by Freire_Herval »

crazygringo wrote: post #64
shalmanese wrote: post #35

Earlier quoted context omitted.

One thing I found strange about SF is that I never found a group that would do the weekly hang. The weekly hang is a socially porous experience, it has a fixed location and fixed start time but everything else is improvised. Different people could dip in and out, people felt free to bring new friends, people they just started dating, friends from out of town etc. Some people came once and never again, others become r…

I'm intrigued by this, I feel like I know a lot of people but I don't think I know anybody with anything like this. Closest is maybe a weekly book club but that's different. What kind of location -- is this a bar or a park or a brunch spot or something like bowling? How big is the group usually, like 6 or 20? Is it weekend afternoon or weekday evening? And how does it get started, does it just start organically or is…

Throughout my life this has mostly been my friend groups. It's really only sustainable with at most 6 people max or something like that.

I think this is more inline with the way humans have evolved as we evolved in small local tribes (Not of 6 people, but in modern times it's hard to keep anything more than 6 from breaking up).

This started out as several different friend groups when I grew up. Those evolved as time passed and then in college in the dorms we formed groups based off of proximity. Then after college I befriended a san francisco local and he introduced me to his childhood friend group he grew up with and I hung out with them for a number of years before leaving.

After that it's been hard to find another group. I have found that proximity when eating is the best most consistent way to form friendships. If you always eat lunch or dinner consistently and often with the same set of people you guys will end up forming a bond. Even with your co-workers. If you want it outside of work I have found communal living spaces where there's a shared table for eating helps promote this. Very hard to do this when you get married.

Also note that when the proximity ends, the connection tends to drift as well. You will find that this is not only consistent with friends but family as well.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#85

Post by TheAceOfHearts »

A lesson I wish I'd learned sooner is to always reach out to people whenever you think about them. I used to worry I'd just be annoying, but I think it's a critical part of staying connected with people. And if they find it annoying then there probably wasn't much of a friendship anyway.

It can feel sad to always have to be the one initiating communication though. And to always feel like you have to hold back because you're being too much.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#86

Post by Freire_Herval »

rektide wrote: post #80
baby wrote: post #36

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It’s a scaling issue. If you have a lot of friends 1:1 don’t scale.

Strongly disagree. It's not a scaling issue. 1:1's don't renew. You have to keep feeding the relationship. The relationship can be extremely rewarding for chit chat & conversation, but it could drop at any point, and become a memory. It has no self-maintaining spirit, no ability to repair itself if one person loses some availability or time. A group can fend for itself in a far different way. Assemblages can have mem…

Agreed. But there is a cost to having lots of friends in the sense that those friendships tend to be superficial.... Very superficial. But that's the point. Having Superficial relationships with a larger group is just as important as having strong relationships with a few people. Most people don't realize this.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#87

Post by topkai22 »

aroundtown wrote: post #66

I've moved 4 times in my adult life. The two biggest issues I've had with making friends is the lack of a gathering place for like minded people, and being accepted by existing cliques. If you don't drink, go to church, or have kids, it is damned hard to find a place to hang out and meet other 30-40 year olds.

It’s hard if you do those things, too. I had my best luck with sports and volunteerism. Since I have kids, coaching youth sports has also been a great way to develop a group.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#88

Post by sublinear »

projectazorian wrote: post #50
sublinear wrote: post #14

> continuous unplanned interaction and shared vulnerability So... become a regular at local restaurants, random coffee shops, bars, clubs, farmer's markets, parks, hiking trails, start a band, volunteer somewhere, join a gym, travel, etc. In other words, get out more?

> So... become a regular at local restaurants, random coffee shops, bars, clubs, farmer's markets, parks, hiking trails, start a band, volunteer somewhere, join a gym, travel, etc. Maybe this used to work, but it no longer does. I'm a regular at several local hangouts, hit the gym several days a week, and go out to other activities regularly. I rarely have conversations with anyone beyond perfunctory pleasantries wit…

> almost exclusively stick to themselves or the group they came with

Yes I've noticed this too, but what does "stick to themselves" mean? If you mean someone sitting alone I don't think that's much different from what you might look like to them. Say hello or smile. Never know.

Also, even when people are in groups they might be open to one more. People usually aren't that insular unless they're jerks anyway. Worst that can happen is they ignore you which is better than assuming. Yeah it's rougher out there than it used to be, but that makes it all the better when you do click with people. I feel like the current climate has more opportunity for genuine connections than it was before covid when people were posing and fronting all the time.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#89

Post by jhatemyjob »

tayo42 wrote: post #48
slashdev wrote: post #12

I have no friends. I moved again in the last year. I have my brother, my parents, and my wife. It’s really hard to make good quality friends. Honestly, I couldn’t be bothered right now to invest that kind of time and effort. I hope that changes one day, but at this rate I’ll probably make friends among the parents of my kids friends one day. I just have other priorities now. I’m content, and I have a solid marriage.…

> make good quality friends Maybe your putting to much emphasis on good and quality and filtering them? Like you already know friends come and go. Who cares if they're good and quality(ok to some degree... but the average person isn't immoral) As long as you can hang out and do something you should be good. They're friends, your not having a kid with them. I think when we were younger, well me atleast, there was a hu…

If someone doesn't have any longterm friends, that is a problem. You can rationalize how it's "normal" all you want, but you are missing out on something wonderful. These days too many people don't have a sense of loyalty or know how to be a friend

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#90

Post by amitmina »

Economics is also an underlying hidden reason behind everything. Making friends requires a lot of bandwidth. You cannot create them over a coffee or wine, it would be a multiple touch point event over 6-12 months. In low trust environments the cost of friendship goes up.

When you have to work 100 hrs a work to meet your expenses can you take out 20 hrs for friends. then another 20 for family, another 20 for kid. and then 1000 for your wife.

Inflation makes you work harder for the same amount. When everybody is working harder they don't have time. Also because they are not doing many things outside of work what will they talk about.

Rich people still find it pretty ease to make friends. The parallel processing of earning money, family and friends is really hard and eventually will take your stress higher levels than lower.

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