Why don’t more people live close to friends? • Hacker News Board

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#111

Post by neilv » Tue, Apr 18, 2023, 2:47 AM UTC

irrational wrote: post #96

nonethewiser wrote: post #5

Isn’t being friends with your neighbors a far more obvious answer to this? I thought that’s where this was going. > Sometime during the pandemic lockdowns, I began to nurture a fantasy,” Adrienne Matei writes. “What if I were neighbors with all of my friends? Every day, as I took long walks through North Vancouver that were still nowhere near long enough to land me at a single pal’s doorstep, I would reflect on the p…

If your neighbors will allow you to be friends. Our next door neighbor moved in 2 years ago. We happened to be outside when they first arrived. A man for out of the car to open the garage door while a woman stayed in the car staring straight ahead. We tried to engage, but he ignored us, drove into the garage, and shut the door. Since then we have never spoken to them since. Sometimes we will see the man in the middle…

> or witness protection program.

The first rule of Witness Protection Club is: don't talk about Witness Protection Club.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#112

Post by electriclove » Tue, Apr 18, 2023, 2:48 AM UTC

AceJohnny2 wrote: post #56

I can attest to the value of living close to friends. A few of us moved into 3 apartments in the same apartment complex, and it's really great. Other close friends have a place that's 20 minutes walk away, so we frequently do things together. Of course, we live in the Bay Area where the housing market is shit , so we recognize how lucky we are to afford our situation. It was much easier for me when I lived in a small…

Are you all single, married, with kids? Preferences can change as your life changes.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#113

Post by com2kid » Tue, Apr 18, 2023, 2:50 AM UTC

clipsy wrote: post #78

com2kid wrote: post #47

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> For what it's worth, as the rare suburbanite HNer, I fondly recall my family having the same sort of relationships with neighbors in the late 80's and 90's; unfortunately the same just doesn't seem to happen even in socioeconomically comparable suburbs today. I used to live in a townhome in Kirkland Washington, ~10 minutes from Microsoft's main campus. One year my wife and I made Christmas cookies and went door to…

> IMHO something about 10,000 sqft yards and deep setbacks destroys any hope for communities. It certainly does not intrinsically do so; this was absolutely not my experience growing up in suburbia, and I don't appear to be alone in that. I'm glad you've had a better experience in Seattle proper, though; perhaps there is just some sort of urban/suburban culturual inversion at play!

> It certainly does not intrinsically do so; this was absolutely not my experience growing up in suburbia,

None of my suburban friends report knowing their neighbors.

OK, so, in Seattle, I can walk to 3 different, large, parks. In the morning, I can choose which of the 2 local bakeries I want to walk to if I want to buy some fresh bread.

No big surprise, with all that walking going on, you see the same people day after day, and eventually you say hi. You pet their dog, you talk about how gardening is going, you invite people over for board games outside on the patio in the summer.

Meanwhile my friends outside the city have to drive to their "local" park and drive to their "local" stores. They don't know their neighbors because their lives consist of house->car->destination.

And while they are driving, I've stopped to pick berries from the tree hanging out of my neighbors yard (he doesn't mind, he loses more berries than he could ever pick himself) on the way to the grocery store to pick up whatever I need to cook for dinner that night.

Don't get me wrong, I spent over a dozen years living in Seattle's suburbs, there are advantages (40MPH speed limits! Get everywhere fast! The police are legit super nice to you if your driver's license has a local address on it!), but I feel more connected to people in the city.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#114

Post by lotsofpulp » Tue, Apr 18, 2023, 2:50 AM UTC

rayiner wrote: post #93

lotsofpulp wrote: post #59

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> about American individualism[0] and not wanting to share anything if you don't absolutely have to. I don’t know if this is an American quality specifically. It could just be that Americans can (or used to be able to) afford it, whereas most other people in most other societies never could. For example, what young married couple would want to live in their parents house if they can afford their own? All of my extend…

> For example, what young married couple would want to live in their parents house if they can afford their own? Anyone who has kids and sometimes wants a break. > All of my extended family grew up in intergenerational households because they were poor immigrants who had to make do, but all the cousins became doctors/lawyers/engineers/etc and got their own house. How much of that is just unconsciously going along wit…

> Anyone who has kids and sometimes wants a break.

But that does not require living in the same house. Having grandparents a few doors down (my preference) or a few minutes away is good enough for this purpose. Living under the same roof involves a ton more tradeoffs.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#115

Post by trianglesphere » Tue, Apr 18, 2023, 2:50 AM UTC

scarface74 wrote: post #106

rcarr wrote: post #101

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Here’s another thing no one talks about because it’s taboo: drink driving. Right up until the mid 70s, it was completely socially acceptable to drink and drive. Now I agree that it was probably a good thing that’s it’s been banned, but having to pay for and organise transportation to go to whatever event it is you want to go to adds another substantial layer of friction to socialising. Not to mention the fact that th…

Uber makes things a lot simpler.

Not in rural areas. Maybe for suburbs. At least in SF ppl Uber a fair bit, but I suspect most trips on a night out are not replacing someone driving their own car.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#116

Post by electriclove » Tue, Apr 18, 2023, 2:51 AM UTC

TobyTheDog123 wrote: post #63

It's a shame that the whole "walkable city" concept has become a bit of a meme in the US - it truly should be a thing that we all strive to create - to nurture in-person relationships through the physical design of the space. >I’m not talking about crime, don’t be ridiculous. While gender-affirming care and bodily autonomy is (obviously) a critical point, I am very much also talking about factoring in crime. There is…

The city centers in the areas you mentioned are definitely off my list as well for the same reason. There are nice suburbs in those areas but there goes the "walkable city" aspect.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#117

Post by sn41 » Tue, Apr 18, 2023, 2:53 AM UTC

Sounds like "The Garden" of Epicurus, a community of like-minded individuals who lived outside the city walls [1]:

[1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Epicurus#Teaching_career

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#118

Post by muyuu » Tue, Apr 18, 2023, 2:54 AM UTC

People move a lot these days because of mainly economic circumstances that fit their age, work, family circumstances and friends are made mainly earlier in life.

Chances are thus that most friendships will be separated over time. That's not even considering relationships that start remotely in the first place.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#119

Post by trinovantes » Tue, Apr 18, 2023, 2:55 AM UTC

naremu wrote: post #25

I've been wondering how related these feelings of distance and isolation in the middle of society are to how the area is designed. I had always known for a long time the "why" I didn't want to go out on weekends and such, but it wasn't until I watched some of those videos from "Not Just Bikes" that it really, really struck me. I literally dread finding parking more than I enjoy finding friends. And suburban (and fran…

My personal theory is that suburban sprawl killed the "third place" in modern society. If you have to drive to a place to socialize (which probably involve drinking), then you're probably not going.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Third_place

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#120

Post by rcarr » Tue, Apr 18, 2023, 2:55 AM UTC

carrolldunham wrote: post #82

I always get pushback for this but I think the idea that adults 'hang out with friends' is a meme from sitcoms. I think people grew up absorbing sitcom premises as representing life. I look at my parents and grandparents they don't have many friends - there's one or two people they see once or twice a year. That's normal. Having 3-5 people who you catch up with regularly through the week and hang out like teenagers,…

I agree that the hanging out at home with friends thing is probably over represented in sitcoms for plot purposes. That said the entire culture in Europe historically centred around working then going to the village or town pub/tavern/restaurant afterwards for drinks, along with church on Sundays. And this still is life in a lot of places. In addition, the majority of people would probably stay where they grew up rather than moving away for study and work unless forced by war or famine. And going back even further we lived in close knit hunter gatherer tribes. Only seeing your friends twice a year is definitely not normal human behaviour when viewed historically.